Zombi 3 (1988)

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Title: Zombi 3
CinemaBandits Title: The Food Isn't The Only Reason To Be Scared of The Philipines Anymore!

CinemaBandits Review: 'Death 1' is a top secret biological weapon being developed by the Filipino army. It's so secret, they've taken every security precaution and assigned four soldiers with mustaches to guard it! Four! Imagine the Filipino army's utter surprise when two guys in a mini-van are able to steal the virus simply by running up and grabbing the suitcase it's in!

You have to give the Filipino security forces a little slack, though. They probably couldn't have imagined the elaborate escape plan those two guys in a mini-van came up with... running into some bushes. How are you supposed to track two guys in the bushes?!? It's bushes for-god's-sake!

Anyway, that nasty virus infects one of the guys in the mini-van, he checks into the nearest 1-star hotel, and that's when all hell breaks loose! Well, maybe not "all" hell... but a moderate amount of hell breaks loose. Scenes of bellboys delivering room service, people vacationing in RV's, and really pissed off birds are just a few of the examples of the "hell" you'll see.

The virus spreads like wildfire, infecting everyone in its path... 8 villagers, a pregnant woman, and a head in a refrigerator!

Well, that's pretty much everybody it infects.

But those same 8 villagers get around, man! You find one hiding behind a door, kill him, then the next building you come to... there he is again! This time, hiding on top of a 20 foot pillar!

How did that little sucker get up on top of a 20 foot pillar, you may ask?

Well, I'm guessing he got together with the other 7 zombie villagers and decided nobody would expect a zombie, who can barely walk, to jump down from a 20 foot pillar. So they went to Home Depot and bought one of those huge ladders, paid for it with bloody-goo covered cash, and limped all the way back home carrying a giant ladder (because who's gonna be able pick up 8 zombies with a massive ladder?!? Unless, one of them had a zombie friend with a big truck, probably no one). Then one zombie scrambled up to the top of that pillar to wait while the other zombies hid the ladder out of sight (so they wouldn't tip off their intended victim that a zombie was waiting on top a 20 foot pillar to pounce!).

That's probably what happened.


Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Zombie Lake (1981)

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Title: Zombie Lake
CinemaBandits Title: It's National 'Take Your Nazi-Zombie Daughter To Work' Day!

CinemaBandits Review: I like zombie movies... I imagine most guys do. So, for a movie to shoot straight up to #1 on my zombie movie list, it has to be exceptional.

Well, Zombie Lake is beyond exceptional!

Take your run-of-the-mill walking undead movie... throw in some Nazi's... add some awful dialogue and even worse zombie make-up... leave in a shot where the camera man and director are clearly visible in a mirror... use the same actors over and over again just with different bad wigs... throw in a mind-boggling out-of-place scene with a jiggly women's basketball team bouncing around to some Benny Hill music...

Well, my friend... you've just made Zombie Lake... and you've just made a cinematic masterpiece!

But it doesn't stop there!

The whole second half of the movie is dedicated to the complicated relationship between a waterlogged Nazi-Zombie and his long-lost daughter. (I'm not kidding) He even manages to give his daughter a necklace as a present and take her for casual walks around town.

I can't believe someone even thought of writing that into a script... let alone actually shooting it and putting it in a movie! But I'm sure glad they did!

A quick run-down of the plot: towards the end of WWII, a German soldier falls in love with a local French girl and they have a child. Infuriated, the French towns-folk massacre the entire German platoon and dump their bodies in the town lake. Some 35 years later, those Nazi-zombies come back and murder anyone who gets too close to the lake (which happens to be lots of nubile young women. Funny how that happens.)

One day, that long dead German soldier walks by the house where his 13 year old daughter is living and stops in for a chat. (how his daughter is only 13 years old, yet 35 years has passed, is never explained) They've got a lot of catching up to do, but she's torn... he's a flesh-eating zombie and must be killed.

What's a daughter to do??!?

Spray her zombie-father down with Napalm... and watch him burn, burn, burn!

... and then shed a tear. Touching!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (9 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Women In Fury (1985)

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Title: Women In Fury
CinemaBandits Title: Girls (With Awesome Hair).... Behind Bars!

CinemaBandits Review: I realize that not all female criminals look as scary as Eileen Wuornos... but c'mon, this Brazilian prison seems to be populated by the models from the latest issue of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue!

Now I've seen the TV show COPS and (except for the many recent appearances by Lindsay Lohan) most criminals look like they're a couple of heartbeats away from being medical cadavers... in fact, if the only thing wrong with you is stringy hair and bad teeth, you'll probably make the COPS Best Dressed List!

But I guess, in South America, it really is a crime to "look that good"!

Angela, the newest young prisoner/super-model to be incarcerated in this Brazilian jail/modeling-agency, took the rap for killing a drug-dealer and she's put through some truly horrendous stuff when she arrives: a shower... she gets her hair done... and has some brandy with the warden!

Those sick-o's!

But just like typical supermodel behavior, the prison is filled with jealous cat-fights, eccentric fashion, prancing divas, and a be-heading or two!

And let me tell you, that's enough to make a girl lose her mind... right before her friends prove to the courts it was all just a big mistake. Angela is left wandering the streets and back alleyways of Rio de Janeiro... crazy as a loon.

What a happy ending!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Women In Fury...
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War Goddess (1973)

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Title: War Goddess
CinemaBandits Title: Men...What Are They Good For? Absolutely Nothin!

CinemaBandits Review: Cat-fight! Rrrrrrrrrr! Meow!

This little stinker of a movie has plenty of them. (What would you expect from an all-male Italian production of a B-movie romp from the 70's??!?)

Hopefully, if the all-female mythical Greek tribe of über-women ever really existed, they had a little more self-respect than this bunch... these Amazons act more like a sorority house gone wild than a noble matriarchal race of warriors! How can you look yourself in the mirror and call yourself an Amazon when you fight over hair-styles, fashion, and men??!?

The newly crowned Amazon Queen Antiope is on the job. She's beat all the other women in tests of strength, bravery, and skill to win the thrown... she's killed numerous men on the battlefield... she gives inspiring speeches about the virtues of the all-female society... She is one tough estrogen-filled cookie.

At least until a man winks and smiles her way.

Her rival, Princess Oreitheia, wants the crown and is willing to do whatever she can to get it... including making fun of the Queen's clothes and stealing her man! It's almost like an ancient Greek version of Desperate Housewives!

Eventually Queen Antiope wins that little tug-o-war... although, as you might expect from an all-male Italian production, she succumbs to the Greek King, becomes his concubine, and seems perfectly happy spending the rest of her days decorating the palace and shopping for new sandals.

Do not let your daughters anywhere near this film!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Yongary, Monster From The Deep (1967)

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Title: Yongary, Monster From The Deep
CinemaBandits Title: Godzilla Enjoys The Tijuana Brass & Long Walks On The Beach!

CinemaBandits Review: When former President Bush announced the 'Axis Of Evil' members included Iraq, Iran, and North Korea...well, I was a little skeptical.

I mean, how could North Korea be included on such a notorious list when their president, Kim Jong IL, looks like a good-hearted geriatric lesbian:

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However, after watching Yongary, Monster From The Deep, it makes perfect sense!

The Koreans are a menace... exploding nuclear bombs, inventing itch-lasers, releasing giant fire-breathing lizards (although, to be fair, Japan is way ahead in the 100ft-reptiles-hell-bent-on-wrecking-perfectly-good-models category), and kimchi... what the heck is in that stuff??!?

Well, this time the Koreans unleash Yongary. He's a lean mean laser-tootin' machine who loves to get jiggy with it whenever he hears a good tune. Unfortunately, iPods just don't come in his size and he's a little perturbed about it! Yongary is taking it out on all of Korea!

Luckily for the Asian nation, they've enlisted an 8-year old boy as a scientific/govermental advisor. And as soon as he cleans his room, he'll be able to explain the perfect plan he's come up with for the eradication of Yongary... (although, if he doesn't finish his vegetables, he's going to bed early, mister!)

Unfortunately, the boy's plan turns out to be one of the creepiest moments in all of B-movie-dom: As the giant Yongary lays dying a really slow agonizing death (he twitches and moans), the "heroes" of our movie explain how innocent he truly was and how Yongary just happened to get in the way... Then gleefully laugh as they fly off in a helicopter... as if they've just watched a circus clown, instead of a death. Uhgggg!

Maybe that's another reason to despise the N. Koreans.... their utter lack of empathy!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Who Cares? (1968)

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Title: Who Cares?
CinemaBandits Title: Being A Drummer Is Way Cooler Than Not Being A Drummer!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: I don't know about you, but when I was in school I used to love educational film day! The teacher breaking out the projector, loading up the film reel, dimming the lights, and listening to the projector's familiar tap-tap-tap sound as it spun those reels. Well, today I'm reviewing one of those little gems... Who Cares?

The film dramatizes a story about a little boy who would rarely smile and was always grouchy because he felt he was not liked. Tells how his classmates discovered he was a fine musician and helped him to realize that others did care for him after all.

Well, that's the official synopsis...

But really this short film just reinforces the known truth... Rockstars rule!

Now, I'm not saying I agree with that, but I'm guessing there is some measure of truth to it. How else to explain the 80's band Warrant??!?

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Seems the subject of this movie, Charles, is ridiculed by everyone in his life... his family, his classmates, his teachers, even complete strangers. That is, until Charles shows them he can rock out on the drums! Suddenly, everyone loves Charles... everyone wants Charles to be their friend!

I'm not bitter.

Just cause I never learned an instrument... just cause other kids would point and laugh at me because I could spell "cornucopia". I mean, really... just cause a man in his 30's still lives at home, videotapes Star Trek: The Next Generation daily, practices his nun-chuck skills, dreams of meeting a real-life dragon, and doesn't play in a band... I suppose he's not as cool as a Rockstar??!?
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White Comanche (1968)

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Title: White Comanche
CinemaBandits Title: Capt. Kirk Just Says 'No' To Peyote!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: White Comanche is right... more like Extremely Pale White Comanche! Could the director have picked a more 'white' dude than William Shatner to play an Indian??!?

Capt. Kirk, in all his Northern European'ness, pulls double duty in this stinky burrito. He plays both Notah and Johnny Moon... twin American Indians separated by the love of the peyote.

Seems Notah Moon (bad Shatner) is addicted to the stuff and can't stop murdering people. Which is a real drag to his brother Johnny Moon (good Shatner)... he keeps getting blamed for it. Well, Johnny has had it... telling his twin brother to meet in the town of Hondo for a showdown!

Unfortunately, the producers must have run out of money by the end, because the much anticipated showdown never really happens. A couple of Shatners ride by each other... there's a squirt of blood... one falls off... the end.

But none of that matters!

The truly memorial moments from White Comanche are delivered by William Shatner himself... in all his understated acting glory! Imagine the cinematic conflict, if you can, of good Shatner in a cowboy hat staring into a mirror... only to see bad Shatner in war paint staring back! They say conflict 'drives' plot. If that's true... this plot just won the Indianapolis 500, baby!

Imagine stupefying lines of dialogue delivered by Shatner like "His liver is white like his Yankee father. His heart burns blacker than the skin of his Comanche mother. His white belly, like his name, a snake.".

What the heck does that mean??!?

Who cares!

It's William Shatner saying it... and then he pulls out a gun and shoots some people.
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4 (2 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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