Space Mutiny (1988)

Title: Space Mutiny
More Sophisticated Than Making A Finger Laser-Gun and 'PEW PEW' noises... But Not By Much!

CinemaBandits Review: Remember when you saw Star Wars and thought "That's a heck of a space movie!"?
Remember when you saw Star Wars and thought "Those are some awesome sets!"?
Remember when you saw Star Wars and thought "Darth Vader is such a great villain!"?
Remember when you saw Star Wars and thought "Han Solo is so cool!"?
Remember when you saw Star Wars and thought "Leia looks cute in her costumes!"?

Yeah, well... how do I break this to you?

Space Mutiny is slightly different.

How about spaceships made of brick walls. Or a villain named after a woman's bath product? Or a hero who runs like a less coordinated Urkel from Family Matters? Or a sexy heroine about as alluring as your grandmother doing the Jane Fonda workout?

I didn't even mention the exciting space-golfcart chases that reach speeds of close to 7 mph.
...Or the chemistry between the leading man and lady that is about as red hot as a two 12 yr old pimply spelling bee champions with braces on a first date.
...Or Commander Santa Claus.
...Or the hula hoop discotheque.
...Or the endless running around for no reason at all of all the extras. I swear, a good 30 minutes of this movie --one third of the entire film-- is filled with people running back and forth, up and down, left and right, all over the place, completely devoid of justification. They just run. And then run some more. And then run some more.

The story is something like this: the villain wants to reroute a spaceship to somewhere... and that's bad. Then some extras run around. The hero, Dave Ryder, with help from the commander's grandmother... er, daughter, Leah Jansen, tries to stop him... and that's good. Then some extras run around.

It's all very Battlestar Galactica if Battlestar Galactica were directed by your aunt.

Then some extras run around.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (7 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Space Mutiny...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

The Perils Of Gwendoline In The Land Of The Yik Yak (1984)

Title: The Perils Of Gwendoline In The Land Of The Yik Yak
CinemaBandits Title: Indiana Jones In Hot Leather!

CinemaBandits Review: This film had grand designs. It tries. It tries desperately.

It desires to reproduce the swashbuckling style of Errol Flynn. It wants to imitate the famous Cary Grant/Irene Dunne onscreen chemistry. It wishes to bring the Spielberg magic to a pulp adventure. It wants to be Raiders Of The Lost Ark.

But instead we get The Perils Of Gwendoline In The Land Of The Yik Yak... Yep. That's the name they went with... from director Just Jaeckin... Seriously. You read that right. Just Jaeckin. That's his name.

The onscreen chemistry Mr. Jaeckin so desperately tries to coax from the stars instead plays like a mean episode of The Honeymooners with Ralph and Alice at their worst, spewing disparaging insults at one another. It's ugly stuff.

Tawny Kitaen comes across as a fine young starlet. She does what she could with such limited material. After all, what can an actress do when asked to drive in a leather-lingerie-clad, girl-drawn chariot race? She may have gone on to greater things, but for some reason, gyrating on the hood of a Jaguar is her legacy.

Just like Ms. Kitaen's mainstream career, this whole movie misses the mark it was trying to achieve.

However, it misses it by so much, you can't help but watch. It's the epitome of the old "train wreck" metaphor.

Just when you think it's going to turn the corner and become a competent film, it suddenly flys off the rails, hits an embankment, and explodes in a spectacular conflagration of ineptitude. A simple moment between the stars becomes an uneasy, awkward, and hate-filled rant. A fun action sequence suddenly turns into a violent gorefest. An exotic location transforms into a sexist fetish wonderland.

But, hey, there's a slew of Nazi-nun-dominatrix movies... True hate-filled sexist gorefests are a staple of the B-movie genre. Gwendoline is a much kinder, gentler example. But none the less, still an exercise in misplaced indulgence.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe all of this was intentional. Maybe the makers of Gwendoline planned the whole thing as a grand celebration of derision and vice.

If so, bravo on a sublime lampoon.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Perils Of Gwendoline In The Land Of The Yik Yak...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Roller Boogie (1979)

Linda Blair
Title: Roller Boogie
CinemaBandits Title: Broken Ankles and Sweaty Spandex Everywhere!

CinemaBandits Review: Thank God for Star Wars!!!

I've always loved the Star Wars original trilogy, but this movie really gives a deeper meaning to that adoration. Star Wars mania swept the nation in the late 70's. It was everywhere. Toys, posters, TV, fashion... literally, everywhere.

And thank the Lord it was!!!

For, if that crazy young filmmaker George Lucas hadn't chosen the late 70's to release that iconic film franchise, Roller Boogie would've been the movie that defined that period...

...and instead of me wearing the same Star Wars t-shirt every year for my school picture, I would've been wearing tiny little shiny spandex shorts. My grandma would still have pictures of me in my pre-pubescent hot-shorts hanging on her walls right now.

Thank you sweet Jesus!!!

Don't get me wrong here, Roller Boogie has a positive message... If you put enough girls in tight clothes into your movie, it doesn't matter how bad it is, it'll get made!

(Linda Blair must've gone through a crap-load of razors while making this film, 'cause those outfits are quite snug... in every area.)

I can't fault Ms. Blair for taking this stinky cheese-filled tortilla of a movie. She got to learn how to rollerskate to Cher disco songs. She got to go bra-less for months. She got to star in a movie with Jim Bray... Yes, that Jim Bray. The actor who went on to star in absolutely nothing else. Nothing. Ever.

And if it wasn't for that perky little Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia in that dang slave-girl outfit, we'd all have grown up with visions of Linda skating around in gold lamáy dancing in our heads. Linda Blair would've been the one that grew up a horribly-adjusted Hollywood brat who wrote a few tell-all books about her cocaine/vodka infused showbiz life.

Instead, Linda was relegated to a few appearances on Battle Of The Network Stars and prison films with David Hasselholf where her top keeps falling off.

Well, I guess that ain't so bad.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (7 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Roller Boogie...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Pieces (1982)

Picture 2 copy
Title: Pieces
CinemaBandits Title: Can't Find The Perfect Woman? Make Your Own!

CinemaBandits Review: A killer is terrorizing a small college campus with a chain-saw. Campus security keeps finding dismembered girls all over the place. It's just a mess.

They call the police, but the cops can only spare 2 officers. Really, you can't expect law enforcement to drop everything to try to catch a serial killer... they've got things to do... like filing, and typing, and decorating the precinct headquarters!

Who's gonna plan Officer Ken's birthday party?!? Priorities, people!

How convenient, then, that this college employs maybe the most creepy-one-eyed-heavy-breathing-giant gardener ever! (who just happens to carry a chain-saw with him constantly)

Case solved, right?

Not so fast, Steven Seagal!

Sure, the creepy-one-eyed-heavy-breathing-giant gardener just happens to be present at each and every murder scene... and, sure, the creepy-one-eyed-heavy-breathing-giant gardener runs away from the police every chance he gets... but we know a red-herring when we see one. And so do the police.

So they hatch an ingenious plan:

They'll hold a tennis tournament at the college. They'll invite roughly 2 tennis players... a retired professional tennis star (who happens to now work as a police detective) & a 15 year old girl (who, after watching her play, seems to have never even seen a tennis racket before). The tournament will attract 7 or 8 people. Surely, one of those people will be the killer!

Well, as unlikely as it may seem to you and me (and anyone else on the face of this planet except for the writer of the plot), this plan actually works! For some reason, the tournament suddenly plays a John Philip Sousa march at the volume of a jet fighter engine. The killer becomes so enraged by that deafening tuba, he kills again!

Band instrument induced homicide!

Unfortunately, in all the celebration, nobody seemed to notice the 15 year old tournament runner-up being hacked up over in the corner.

Oh well.

They eventually catch & kill the maniac and find out what he's been doing with all the parts he's been taking from the dead girls... piecing them together to make a new one in his closet!

The End.

Not so fast, Jean-Claude Van Damme!

Suddenly, the pieced together body they find miraculously comes to life, jumps up, and attacks the man-parts of an innocent hapless student!!!

The End.

Seriously. The movie just stops.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Pieces...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Track Of The Moon Beast (1976)

Title: Track Of The Moon Beast
CinemaBandits Title: Tyrannosaurus Rex vs The Geologists!

CinemaBandits Review: Track Of The Moon Beast is a perfect example of the classic love story.

Boy meets girl. Boy becomes a geologist. Geologist takes off shirt. Girl falls in love. Geologist buys motorcycle. Geologist takes girl to folk concert. Meteorite hits geologist in head. Geologist turns into dinosaur. Geologist killed by magic arrow.

It's a joy to see cinematic storytelling at its finest.... Unfortunately, this movie doesn't have it.

But it does have warrior geologists, a sexually confused sheriff, terry-cloth ones'ies, one-armed rednecks, Andy Gibb impersonators, and ancient indian soup recipes!

Throw in acting not seen since the glory days of As The World Turns and you've got yourself a perfect storm of crappiness!

Incredibly, having your hero be a geologist wasn't boring enough... they had to add a few supporting radiologists to move the story further along. Approximately 15 minutes or so of Track Of The Moon Beast's runtime is spent in an X-ray exam room... Approximately 2 minutes into that scene, you're already saying to yourself "Why in the hell are they still in the X-ray Exam room?!?".

But don't worry. If you are able to make it through those parts, you'll be rewarded with terrific action sequences such as digging up ancient pottery.... and engaging dialouge like "His name is Ty. Which is short for Tyrannosaurus.".... and spectacular scenery such as Albuquerque, N.M.

All in all, if you're a university professor that likes his movie with a little reptilian-kink, then this is the movie for you!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Track Of The Moon Beast...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Raiders Of The Magic Ivory (1988)

raidersivory pic copy
Title: Raiders Of The Magic Ivory
CinemaBandits Title: Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves!

CinemaBandits Review: That's right! I said Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves!

Not only Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves, but Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves... that explode!!!

Not only Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves that explode, but Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves that explode... whose leader is Mark Twain!!!

Not only Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves that explode whose leader is Mark Twain, but Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves that explode whose leader is Mark Twain... in a dress!!!

Do I really need to write anything else?!??

Okay, here's the plot in a nutshell.... A rich Chinese guy needs to take over the world. He wants an ivory zombie tablet to help him do it. He hires a crack Army Rangers team comprised of a middle-aged chubby guy with a ridiculous 80's moustache and a beer-gut plus a feather-haired pretty-boy to do it. They fly to Vietnam, meet the Vietcong, fall in love, and sweat alot.


Robert Mitchum's son, James (above left... doing his best beer-drinking-buddy character impression from the movie Overboard) turns in an action packed performance. Why he never rivaled Arnold Schwarzenegger as an action hero is incomprehensible.

(Although, it might have something to do with the fact that James Mitchum looks more like a beer-belly'd construction worker than an elite commando.)

And can somebody please tell me why the all the Vietcong in this film look alot like Cuban rebels?!?? I mean, I'm no history professor, but I could've sworn that the Vietnamese War was fought in Southeast Asia... not Latin America. Even one of the Vietcong's commander's smokes a big ol' cigar ala Fidel Castro.

Anyway... I felt like I was watching Sam Malone and Norm in some zany camping hijinks from TV's Cheers rather than 2 battle hardened Army veterans fighting for their very lives.

I was pretty sure that at any moment Cliff would pop up from behind some bushes and spout off useless information.

But I got somethng better... Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Raiders Of The Magic Ivory...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

The Tomb (1986)

TheTomb pic copy

Title: The Tomb
CinemaBandits Title: The Mummy - Too Hot For TV!

CinemaBandits Review: Turns out, Brendan Fraser was a good actor after all!

I have to confess, the first few times I watched 1999's The Mummy, I was rather unimpressed with Brendan Fraser's performance.... much in the same way I'm unimpressed when I have food poisoning.

Oh sure, you may cite the movies Furry Vengeance, or Dudley Do-Right, or Monkeybone, or George Of The Jungle. or even the hearlded Encino Man as proof of Fraser's acting chops.... but I still questioned his ability while watching The Mummy.

You may even argue with me saying: "How can you question Fraser's thespian skills when he's able to pull off so many looks??!?"


Call me a doubting-Thomas, but even with such compelling evidence, my mind still was not convinced Brendan was the next Marlon Brando.

Then I watched The Tomb.... .... and everything changed!

My eyes have been opened! I have seen the light!

After watching The Tomb's version of an ancient Egyptian mummy come back to life to chase a treasure hunter, I am a Brendan believer!

In fact, I'm petitioning the Academy Awards to retro-actively award Mr. Fraser an Oscar for his performance in The Mummy!

And as the only proof they will need, I'm sending them a copy of the performance of The Tomb's leading man Richard Hench (who's other main claim to fame is that he was Playgirl's Man of the Month for their April, 1984 issue).

The Brendan Fraser Fanclub will be meeting at my house from now on!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Tomb...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Time Barbarians (1990)

timebarbarians pic copy

Title: Time Barbarians
CinemaBandits Title: Giant Hairless Pecs Attack Los Angeles!

CinemaBandits Review: I used to watch the television show American Gladiators and think: "One day, I'm gonna work out and get my body into shape. Then train as hard as I can until I'm an elite athlete. I'm going to get my self a neon-colored unitard and change my name to Mega-Bolt. Then they'll put me on American Gladiators and make me a star!"

I soon realized I would have to give up corn-dogs, pizza, cookies, eating frosting straight from the container, long naps on the couch, weekends spent doing literally nothing, using the scooter at the grocery instead of pushing a cart, getting up after 2pm, and Gilligan's Island marathons.

Then, to top it all off, someone invented the internet... I quickly changed my dream from starring in American Gladiators, to being the first person to download all the Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch podcasts.

I think I was successful.

But one person who held onto that American Gladiators dream was Deron McBee.

Deron McBee worked and worked until his pecs were the size of tiny bald horses... He got a flashy rastlin' outfit... He changed his name to Malibu... and quickly became the most awesome blond behemoth American Gladiator ever!

... oh, and he starred in our movie Time Barbarians.

And my suggestion to Deron McBee, aka Malibu... go back to making your pecs spectacularly huge & hair-free as fast as you can.

To call Deron McBee an "actor" is akin to calling a truck-stop restroom "fragrant".

Soooo-weeeeee! Woooo, pig..... com' on!

Deron plays Doran (I'm guessing because he can only learn one name at a time) with subtleness and deft understatement... much like Hulk Hogan. His ease at moving from an ancient Norwegian warrior to a modern-day Los Angelean in search of his girlfriend's killer is as smooth as Rosie O'Donnell tryin' to get into a wetsuit! And when he finds his soul-mate, his lifelong partner, the love of his life murdered... well, let's just say, I've displayed more grief at finding I've run out of Ranch Dressing.

Now I'm not saying Malibu had no chance at becoming the next Schwarzenegger....

..... well, yes... I am saying that.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Time Barbarians...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Robo Vampire (1987)

robovampire pic copy

Title: Robo Vampire
CinemaBandits Title: Bunny-Hopping Vampires In Gorilla Masks!

CinemaBandits Review: I have no clue what Robo Vampire is about.

I watched it...

Then, I watched it again... Nope... no idea whatsoever.

I'm not sure the writers, producers, director, or anyone (not under the influence of the "funny stuff") could tell you what this movie is about.

I suppose you could say it's a rip-off of the RoboCop films... but then, how do you explain vampires that can only move by jumping around like 6-year-olds learning the "Hokey Pokey"??!?

Well, you say, maybe it's a vampire flick then... okay, but why are they wearing rubber gorilla masks??!?

How about a jungle adventure?... then please explain the Miami Vice 'Crockett & Tubbs' drug-cartel chase scenes!

Well, it's got to be a "Robo-Dracula-Cop/Miami-Gorilla-Vice" movie, then!... Nope. You forgot the female ghost/un-dead monkey wedding ceremony about half-way through.

Yep, you read that right!

I know you're probably putting on your fancy shorts, canceling the Tupperware party you had planned, and running out to the video store right now to rent this film, but I need to warn you... this is not a female ghost/un-dead monkey RomCom either. That little love story only takes up about 15 minutes. The other hour is filled sparklers, gondola rides, and levitating chickens... & if that weren't enough, how about some memorable dialogue like "If you want a cigarette, just ask for one!" or "You don't have to be so temperamental!" or even the gripping "You should bathe more often!".

Oh yeah, it's that bafflingly good!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Robo Vampire...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Queen Of Outer Space (1958)

QueenOuterSpace copy

Title: Queen Of Outer Space
CinemaBandits Title: Planet Venus... Global Warming (& Estrogen) Gone Wild!

CinemaBandits Review: All of our leading scientists assured us that the planet Venus was uninhabited... that the green-house effect had run wild there and had made the atmosphere toxic. The temperature on the surface, our scientists have asserted, is so hot it would melt lead.

Turns out... all our scientists were wrong!

Venus is inhabited, the atmosphere isn't toxic, and the temperature is only hot enough to burn through a woman's skirt somewhere above her knee!

You see, Venus is inhabited by women. Only women. Only women wearing mini-skirts.

Now, normally, I would find this a good thing.

However, these women are a tad pee'd off at men. Seems that many years ago, the men of Venus started a nuclear war which killed off all the men and disfigured many of the women.

That can be a problem with us men. We like big explosions... we like to blow stuff up... including ourselves.

Women... if I may speak for all men... We're Sorry! We don't mean to cause Armageddon. We simply like to hear a big "boom"! Sometimes it gets a little carried away, but we can't help ourselves... we're men! Once, many years ago, I was in charge of props for a play. The play called for a small flash of smoke. The director told me to use a quarter teaspoon of black-powder wrapped in some flash paper...

...and for the FIRST performance, I did. However, I'm a man... and if a quarter teaspoon of black-powder is good... then 2 tablespoons of black powder is better!

To make a long story short, I unleashed Dante's Inferno onto the stage that night... and sent a girl to the hospital (her pantyhose melted to her leg). She recovered and I was quickly relieved of my bomb-making duties.

Did I feel bad? You bet I did!... Would I ever do it again? Probably!

I'm a man! I'm sorry!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Queen Of Outer Space...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Prince Of Space (1959)

princespace copy

Title: Prince Of Space
CinemaBandits Title: Chicken-Men From Outer Space!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: A group of about 8 chicken-men from the planet Krankor plan to take over the world (I'm guessing they slightly underestimated the population of Earth). Led by the head-rooster himself... The Phantom of Krankor!

Evidently, they heard about the fabulous success of El Pollo Loco restaurants and came to earth wanting a good explanation... not getting a satisfactory response, this gaggle of chicken-men plan to conquer the world and change the name to all 'El Pollo Loco' fast-food joints to 'El Pollo Magnifico'!

Unfortunately for the Phantom Chicken Of Krankor and his hens, our hero, the Prince of Space, absolutely loves the pollo fajitas... and is not about to let this flock of Krankor poultry ruin a good thing.

Aided by a couple of Japanese children, Prince of Space is able to withstand all the terrifying weapons the Krankor chickens throw at him... like death rays and smelly vapor! And let me tell you, I've been around some chicken that's sat out in the sun too long... that's some smelly chicken!

Prince of Space is an amazing super-hero, complete with a space-ray umbrella, a space-car that resembles a public toilet, and an ill-fitting space-unitard with cape.

But despite these flaws, Prince of Space is just what the quick-service food industry needed to save it from evil dictator chickens from outer space!

Although I've yet to figure out why Prince of Space chooses to dress up like famed post-impressionist artist Toulouse-Lautrec and shine shoes...
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (7 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Prince Of Space...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Wanna see the whole thing? CLICK HERE

Planet Of Dinosaurs (1978)

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Title: Planet Of Dinosaurs
CinemaBandits Title: Feathered Hair And A Big Mustache...Fun At 70's Jurassic Park!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: A crew from a crippled spaceship crashes on a foreign world.

Original stuff!

But, just imagine this crew's luck... Not only does their spacecraft almost blow-up with them in it, but they crash on a planet the has an extremely harsh climate... much like Southern California!

I half expected to see a Del Taco just around every corner!

Then there's the ravenous local alien population they have to deal with. And, might I add, deal with not very well... about every 15 minutes one of these poor souls gets eaten by a claymation dinosaur! Unfortunately, the two most enjoyable actors get eaten halfway through the movie, Harvey Baylor as Harvey Shain & Derna Wylde as his, uh-hum, secretary Derna Lee (I know... creative character naming).

Plus, as a subtext, corporate employee structure and employee rights is explored, although I'm not sure why they chose a "lost-on-an-alien-planet-with-monsters-film" as a vehicle for such a discussion.

As befitting a 70's flick, there's lots of beards, huge mustaches, hairy chests, and feathered hair going on. I was surprised to find only one person loses their shirt... although I wasn't so surprised to find out it was the man with the largest pecs this side of The Milky Way.

One scene not to be missed: the crew finds poisonous berries, makes them into a home brew, imbibes a little too much of said brew, and ends up singing 'Auld Land Syne'... presumably because there are no royalties to pay out for that song.

It's all good Dino-Survival fun!
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (8 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Planet Of Dinosaurs...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Wanna see the whole thing? CLICK HERE