Hercules (1983)

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Title: Hercules
Hairy Men In Leather Gladiator Outfits!

CinemaBandits Review: The gods are watching over all of us. Making sure our life is fair. That our existence isn't threatened by evil. And when the dark forces gain the upper hand, the gods bring life back into balance...

...by sending us huge bearded men in tight leather underwear.

Men with bigger chests than most Sports Illustrated swimsuit models have fallen from heaven to crush evil between their chiseled buttocks.

The hairiest of them all is none other than Hercules. This guy is so manly, he fights eight shirtless stuntmen and throws a log into outer space. This guy is so manly, he cleans horse stalls and wears leather mini-skirts.

And even though witches, robots, and a guy in a bear suit try to kill him, Hercules smashes all of them in the clutches of his enormous glistening pecs.

Beads of sweat cascade down the gently rolling hills of massive sinew stretching across Hercules' taught frame. A sparkle of morning dew that settles on his ample beard twinkles in the moonlight each time he demolishes an inferior being. The suppleness of Hercules' bronze skin embraces...

...Sorry. All that flesh got me carried away.

It really boils down to this:

You'll love this movie if you like muscles.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Hercules...
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Massacre At Central High (1976)

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Title: Massacre At Central High
It's Like Porky's... With A Little Rape And Murder Thrown In!

CinemaBandits Review: High school is an awkward time. Relating to others in an unfamiliar place can create embarrassing situations. Remember The Brady Bunch... when Greg accidentally dyed his hair orange to be more "cool"? Remember Napoleon Dynamite's embarrassing dance to win votes for class president? Remember when David slaughtered half of the senior class in Massacre At Central High?

We all have our peculiar ways of trying to fit in. David seems to like Rambo's way... kill everything in sight.

Well, if you decide that David's way of endearing himself to his teen peers is a good idea, then he gives you some great ideas on how to butcher your classmates:

You could electrocute them while they hang-glide. You could arrange a diving accident in a drained pool. You could create a killer landslide on a campsite. Or even, somehow, knock someone off with a hearing aid.

The good thing about David's serial-killer way of fitting in at school is that no parents or teachers will find the gruesome deaths odd that occur every other day. Heck, even the police won't bother to show up. Which is rather convenient considering how murdering a bunch of other people is against the law and such.

David's killing spree creates a power vacuum... Like some sort of Lord Of The Flies/Porky's thing. A couple of students become power mad. They make fun of the fat kid and beat up the librarian's assistant. But David simply bumps off those new hoodlums also. He's an undiscriminating serial killer.

How do all the other students react to so much murder and mayhem at their school? Just like you and I would... They go surfing, they have food fights, they go camping, and have a dance.

Luckily, David goes skinny dipping with one of the popular girls and can't bring himself to blowup the entire school and its visiting alumni. He sacrifices himself for the only woman to ever show him her boobs and she lives happily ever after with David's best friend.

A timeless love story.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (7 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Hobgoblins (1988)

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Title: Hobgoblins
Boy, The Muppets Sure Did Get Cranky Lately!

CinemaBandits Review: Crazy telepathic puppet hobgoblins from the 1950s have invaded a Hollywood movie studio. That's the premise of Hobgoblins.

Unfortunately, that's about as far as the writer developed the story. From there it kinda falls apart as quickly as Charlie Sheen's sobriety.

When the night watchman sees that these psychotic alien puppets are using mind control to destroy the lives of everyone on the lot, he decides to do the smart thing... stick them in a closet. He doesn't alert authorities to the evil extra terrestrials. He doesn't take matters into his own hands and kill the murderous puppets. He doesn't warn everybody to stay away from those tiny little wicked balls of fur. He just rounds them up and shoves them in a closet.

Heck, he doesn't even lock the closet door.

As a consequence, some poor temporary worker simply trying to make enough money to have a date with his abusive girlfriend, accidentally let's the otherworldly puppets out to terrorize a nightclub. (Why the hairy aliens couldn't just open the door themselves, is never explained)

The hobgoblins' iniquitous plan is to give their victims their hearts' desire... which always seems to involve removing some or all of their clothes and gyrate to some really dull music by 80s supergroup The Fontanelles. (yeah, I've never heard of them either)

Somehow, it always ends in mayhem and death...
Then some extras run around.


Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Island Of The Fishmen (1979)

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Title
: Island Of The Fishmen
CinemaBandits Title: Barbara Bach Bores FishGuy To Death!

CinemaBandits Review: Bucking the trend of the late 70s Star Wars craze, Italian filmmaker Sergio Martino decided to go the "fishman" route. I can't speak to Sergio's other life choices, but this one seems ill-advised. Mr. Martino didn't invent the fishman genre (see Creature Of The Black Lagoon), but he certainly ended it. I can't recall any fishdude pictures since this one. There was that Titanic film a few years back with Celine Dion, but contrary to internet rumors, Ms. Dion is not a fishwoman.

A sorry group of Italian macho men taking a Caribbean cruise together, stop at a maniacal madman's port of call. Instead of locals crowding the ship trying to sell turtle carvings... instead of sunburned tourists climbing waterfalls... instead of rows and rows of Senor Frogs and Hooters... well, we get voodoo dolls, spear-lined booby traps, the lost city of Atlantis, drug addicted fishmen, and Barbara Bach!

Lots and lots of Barbara Bach...

Which is a good thing if you like vapid stares and emotionless acting from your leading lady.

Every now and then the director throws in an angry fishman attacking some poor Italian extra. Usually, it's just a shot of a rigid fin/hand prop-thingy with claws slapping the extremely hairy chest of said Italian extra... then some blood and really badly dubbed screaming.

But, way way too quickly, we're right back to Barbara Bach and her mindless version of acting.

Believe me when I say that after about 30 minutes of watching Barbara doing her best imitation a brain dead deaf mute, you start to wish one of those fishpersons would just end her (and our) misery and murder Ms. Bach.

Unfortunately, she survives the WHOLE movie.

Your brain may not.



Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Kong Island (1968)

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Title: Kong Island
CinemaBandits Title: Super-Monkeys Are Stealing Our Women!

CinemaBandits Review: What if you could control a monkey? I don't mean just a trained monkey, but a monkey that would do exactly what you tell him to do!

Here's what I would do....

I'd have that monkey dress up in a cowboy outfit complete with a 10-gallon hat.... ride around on a miniature pony with guns a'blazin'.... and invite my friends over to see Chuckles - The Hairiest Outlaw This Side Of The Pecos River!

That's what I'd do.

But the mad scientist in Kong Island had other plans.

Seems he stumbled upon a way to remotely control a living being by transmitting radio signals to a surgically implanted receiver in the subjects skull! He's experimented on a family of gorillas, and it was such a resounding success, that he plans on implementing this procedure on every single person on the planet so that he can be rich and powerful! Ha Ha Haaa!

What a great idea, Mr. evil-genius!

Just a couple of flaws I noticed in that perfect plan....

1) - He's going to have to capture and then operate on every single person on Earth... that might take a while.
2) - If each operation costs $10 dollars (I might be a bit low on that estimate), it's gonna cost roughly $65 billion dollars.

I'm not sure he completely thought through this whole "take-over-the-world-and-get-rich" idea.

The hero (inappropriately named "Bert") finds out about this little plan and goes traipsing about the jungles of Africa (I'm assuming the writers decided the African continent was just a really big island.... hence, the title of this stinky burrito of a movie) looking for the evil Doctor. Along the way, he finds a groovy disco, enjoys quite a few fine cigarettes, baths in a tropical waterfall, seduces a wild half-naked Italian lady who runs around with a chimpanzee side-kick, and wrestles men in loin cloths!

How did they pack that much action into 92 minutes, you ask??!?

They didn't!

They packed that into about 20 minutes.... the other 72 minutes is stock footage of African wildlife.

Lions and tigers and men in monkey-suits... Oh my!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Hercules In New York (1969)

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Title: Hercules In New York
CinemaBandits Title: Schwarzenegger Finds A Life Partner!

CinemaBandits Review: Arnold Schwarzenegger travels to America because he is bored with his homeland. He finds a rather dainty little tender fellow, moves in with him, and explores all sorts of new and exciting lifestyles.

No, not the auto-biographical account of the former Governor of California... but the plot of the truly upsurd movie Hercules In New York.

Seems Hercules, played by the phonetically challenged Schwarzenegger, is a randy young man who wants to experience the life of us ordinary folk. So he travels to New York, takes off his shirt, runs around beating things up, grunts alot, becomes a movie star, marries a Kennedy, and has a love-child with his Spanish maid!

Amazing how art imitates life, huh??!?

Anyway, the message of Hercules In New York... what the filmmakers were really trying to say (as far as I can tell), is that it's okay to be yourself. It's okay to question your identity and experiment, to feel fabulous in tight pants, to be a muscle-bound Greek who shaves his chest... It's okay! You'll find love anyway!

That love may be with a soft little pretzel salesman, but that shouldn't affect you... Be proud & be loud, because deep down inside... we're all the sons of Zeus!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Man Beast (1956)

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Title: Man Beast
CinemaBandits Title: 'Abominable Snowman' Thinks Name Unfair, Prefers 'Adorable Snowman'!

CinemaBandits Review: The Yeti exist!

Whatever you want to call them... Bigfoot, Abominable Snowmen, Sasquatch, Skunk Ape or, my personal favorite, Devil Monkey... they make this world just a little more exciting. I like believing that at any time when I'm hiking through the forests or swamps of rural America, I might stumble upon a 10ft tall monkey-man guarding his berry-patch!

Besides, if you can't believe all those witnesses... those backwoods toothless hillbillys who, in their spare time, dress stuffed squirrels as the 12 Apostles and re-enact the Last Supper... then who can you believe??!?

Man Beast, however, does not serve the legend very well.

The movie implies the Yeti are an easily frightened, not very smart, under-evolved species with really bad hair. You try washing and styling foot-long hair that covers your entire body every single day!

Their monthly shampoo expense alone must be a budget breaker!

But what really gets me about Man Beast is that it portrays the Yeti as evil.

C'mon! Who was behind the 9/11 attacks? Humans! Who was responsible for WWII concentration camps? Humans! Who invented disco? Humans!

And where was the Yeti during all these horrific events? Out in the woods, simply lookin' for nice hole in the ground to do his business in!

Hardly evil.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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The Lost Continent (1968)

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Title: Lost Continent
CinemaBandits Title: Giant Crabs Infest The Love Boat!

CinemaBandits Review: I'm not sure why I'm reviewing this film... it's kinda good!

Sure, there's bad acting... and a script that, at times, makes no sense... and a giant crab, that looks like an inflatable pool toy, tries to reek havoc on unsuspecting women... and, even though this movie takes place in the sixties, for some odd reason a 12 year old prince from 14th century Spain is the villain.

Hold on... I guess I do know why I'm reviewing this film.

Anyway, the movie starts out with a ship full of tons of some sort of phosphorous compound... which, when it comes into contact with water, becomes highly combustible. Well, wouldn't you know it, a hurricane descends right down upon this ship with it's explosive cargo. Everybody jumps into lifeboats and, for the next 20 minutes of the movie, it becomes a stranded-at-sea story of survival.

On the lifeboat, they fight hunger. They fight thirst. They fight sharks. They even fight each other. There's romance between the captain and a passenger. There's unresolved resentment between a father and daughter. There's a drunk who can't stop putting the whole lifeboat in danger. Wow!

Unfortunately, none of this has anything to do with the rest of the movie! After a while, they simply float right back to the ship again and carry on as if nothing happened!!!

Then hungry green seaweed surrounds the ship and eats a passenger or two... a giant crab shows up and eats a few more passengers... and Spanish conquistadors show up and kill even more... It's almost as bad as a 3 day Carnival Cruise visiting Ensenada!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Malibu Express (1985)

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Title: Malibu Express
CinemaBandits Title:Thought Eradicated, 'Magnum PI Mustache Virus' Strikes Again!

CinemaBandits Review: Take a simple Texas country boy...give him some tiny jeans and an enormous mustache...throw in a plot that even the writer's of 'Murder, She Wrote' would've found stupefying and contrived...and you got yourself Malibu Express!

Think 'Knight Rider' meets 'Baywatch'... but not quite as clever.

Our simple Texas country boy/private eye, Cody, lives on a yacht that's painted to look like a train (because his dead mother love trains... oh, and his dead father used to street-race against hillbillies... no kidding). Cody's marina landlord hires him to find out who's selling American computers to the Soviet Union...

Yes, I said "marina landlord"!!!!

Somehow, he ends up at some woman named Lady Chamberlain's Bel-Air estate... as a guest?... or maybe a servant?... (you know what?... that's just plot, and if Malibu Express proves only one thing, it's that it certainly won't let plot get in the way)

Anyway, Cody has his own unique way of solving international espionage mysteries... although, for the life of me, I can't tell you what that is... because it seemed as though, throughout the entire movie, all Cody did was act like that creepy guy at a party trying way too hard to impress the ladies!

Throw in scantily clad girls, a Ferrari or two, and feathered hair-cuts for the entire cast and, well... Malibu Express isn't going to win any awards for film making, but at least it'll entertain 13 year old boys for an hour and a half!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Monster On The Campus (1958)

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Title: Monster On The Campus
CinemaBandits Title: Tonight's Special: Monster Fish Surprise!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: An extinct giant fish is infecting a small college town with mutant genes!

That's the last time I ever order the Red Lobster Catch-Of-The-Day. I'm stickin' with the clam chowder from now on.

I suppose this was bound to happen... the way we pollute the oceans. Every so often, a mutated fish (or 200 foot tall, fire-breathing lizard) pops out of the seas and takes it's revenge against the evil education system (or Japanese).

This nasty fish doesn't even have to be alive to reek havoc on Dunsfield University. Somehow, someway, this evil fillet of sea-meat manages to kill 3 people before the good Dr. Blake can figure out what's going on.

Played by the Simpsons'ized Troy Donahue, the college hunk Jimmy Flanders has a dog... and that poor pooch is the first victim... but not the last.

Even though he employs rigorous, thorough safety procedures when handling dead animal carcasses (i.e. wearing a lab coat... smoking a pipe... injected himself with it's blood... and other time-tested CDC approved procedures), Dr. Blake, inexplicably, also becomes infected.

Once Dr. Blake realizes he's become infected with a deadly and dangerous virus that causes him to murder those around him, he does what any well-educated, highly-respected individual would do... he invites his girlfriend and her family to a cabin in the woods and infects himself again.

Makes perfect sense!
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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It's Alive! (1969)

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Title: It's Alive!
CinemaBandits Title: It May Be Alive... But I'm Not Sure It's In The Movie!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: Oh boy! It's Alive is one stinky bean burrito of a movie.
A pre-historic giant frog-monster lives!

I think...

It certainly isn't the star of this movie. It gets about 10 seconds of face time... out of a one hour and twenty minute film. But that's long enough to figure out it's a frog... er... no, it's a lizard... uh... maybe a green gold-fish... I don't know. But it's got huge fangs and big ol' buggy eyes and according to Professor Wayne Thomas, the film's heroic paleontologist, there used to be hundreds of them roaming the Ozark Mountains. (as if I needed another reason not to visit Arkansas)

This "Jack-Elam-Eyed" creature has been captured by Greely, a man spurned by the Arkansas Department of Transportation, and he's hell-bent on taking out his mass-transit frustration on any stranger that happens upon his farmhouse.

That's the plot... honest!

And it rambles on for half the movie until, for some unknown reason, the film suddenly turns into a silent-movie. People running around mouthing words that aren't heard, while a completely inappropriate musical score plays. No kidding! I'm guessing director Larry Buchanan wanted to give the audience a sleepy-time-snooze-break so they could make it through the second half onslaught of this train-wreck.

Unfortunately, after 20 minutes of silent-movie time, it returns to a talkie... hardly enough time for a good nap!

I'm not sure what is going on with It's Alive, but I do know this... if this film were shown to prisoners of war, it would violate every law of the Geneva Convention.

I'm giving this a 2 Funky Burritos rating... only because I'm confident somebody somewhere has made something worse. Although, at this point, I can't imagine it.
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4 (2 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Night Of The Ghouls (1959)


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Title: Night Of The Ghouls
CinemaBandits Title: LAPD - "Hey, I Think My Gun-Thingy Went Off Again!"

CinemaBandits Review: A sinister plot is afoot deep in the wilderness surrounding Los Angeles! What's that you say... There is no wilderness surrounding Los Angeles?!?
Well, I'm afraid you're going to need to suspend a little more disbelief in order to watch this bad burrito from legendary director Ed Wood.

The movie centers around the LAPD's investigation of a corrupt 'medium'. I know... I know... A corrupt 'medium'? How can that be?!? You see, back in the 50's, Hollywood was not the socially responsible entity it is today. It regularly sensationalized some of the finest, most respectable lines of work... just to make a buck. Thank the Lord those days are behind us. Although, it probably took years for the 'medium' profession to regain the high reputation it enjoys today.

But the real subject of this celluloid masterpiece is the LAPD and it's operational procedures: Not knowing how to shoot a gun... Peeking over the dash of your squad car... Being frightened out of your pants by ghosts... Really, as far as I can tell, the LAPD brass got a hold of every episode of The Andy Griffith Show... studied Barney Fife's technique... and then wrote the LAPD's handbook for new recruits.

You know, it's eery... If you were to substitute the name "OJ Simpson" everywhere it said "Dr. Acula" in the script, you'd have the whole OJ fiasco all over again... right down to the mishandling of the DNA! (except, of course, in the movie the DNA is represented by a super-scary flying trumpet) The similarities are unnerving.

Ed Wood's Plan 9 From Outer Space, big brother to this red-haired stepchild, may get all the pub... but don't be fooled. This stinky burrito is a classic.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Night Of The Ghouls...
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