The Devil's Sword (1984)

DevilSword
Title: The Devil's Sword
What The Hell Is Going On In This Movie??!

CinemaBandits Review: The Devil's Sword is one hour and 41 minutes long... and I had absolutely no idea what was going on for approximately one hour and 40 minutes of the movie. The credits made sense. Then, complete and utter bewilderment. A truly astoundingly baffling movie that's beyond any mortal's ability to explain.

But here's my attempt...

Best I can tell, an evil underwater queen, who commands an alligator-man army, wants to be romanced by all the local boys. And when I say all, I mean all... Every single one of them. This really makes all the new brides rather jealous. So she decides to find a sword to control all the warriors of the planet... The Devil's Sword. But only one good warrior knows where this sword is. He enlists the help of a female peasant who takes him for a boat ride with the angel of death. The evil alligator queen decides to kill the good warrior. She hires four bad warriors to do it... One is an old lady, one is bald, one has a killer mustache, and one is her boy-toy. But before they can find him, they meet at the secret hiding place of The Devil's Sword (somehow they found it) where they dig holes, hold hands, give piggy-back rides, get their heads stuck in cliff rocks, and fight one-eyed rock-monsters.

...oh, then there's that 10 minute orgy.

I swear to the God, I made none of that up.

But after all that, you know what is the most mystifying part of this completely senseless, over-the-top mess of a movie?

It is a thoroughly enjoyable film.

At the end of it all, after all the insane dialogue, after all the comical martial arts fight sequences, after all the childish sound effects, and after all the severed body parts filled with ketchup squirting everywhere... after all that, you'll be entertained.

Absolutely entertained.

I have no idea if the filmmakers were going for a deep character driven piece of art or a in-depth spiritual soul searching odyssey. But what they succeeded in delivering is an hour and a half of wildly silly entertainment.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (8 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Devil's Sword...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Blood Games (1990)

bloodgames pic copy copy
Title: Blood Games
Hee-Haw - The Director's Cut

CinemaBandits Review: I've never heard of professional traveling baseball clubs that travel from town to town. Never mind professional traveling baseball clubs that travel from town to town filled with feminism activists...Or professional traveling baseball clubs that travel from town to town filled with feminism activists with elite survival skills... Or professional traveling baseball clubs that travel from town to town filled with feminism activists with elite survival skills that are swimsuits supermodels.

But, evidently, they're big in the backwoods of the south... popular at bar-mitzvahs and birthday parties.

So when a local father hires the BallGirls traveling baseball club for his son's birthday party, he expected a fun-filled afternoon. A sunny day with America's pastime played by some scantily clad young women.

Oh sure, a few of the boys might flirt a little with the girls. Perhaps a teasing remark. Maybe a playful pat on the derièrre. Possibly ripping off some clothes and angrily forcing themselves upon the lady ballplayers.

Yeah, things got way out of hand.

Well, before you know it, it's all World War III between the ultra sweaty degenerate hillbillies and the ubër Rambo'esque b-ball girls. Lots and lots of scenes with bloody jerseys stained by tobacco spit.

Inexplicably, it took five writers to concoct this story... and they made a mess of it. For example, the bar scene at the beginning has the phrase "I want more popcorn!" or "More popcorn!" or "Popcorn!" (or some variation of that) spoken by the bad guys about 25 times. Guessing that with each new draft, each new writer felt the scene didn't have enough "popcorn" dialogue... Got to have more "popcorn"! Subsequently, the major character trait for the antagonists of this movie is that they really, really frickin love popcorn.

It's essentially a women's lib movie with lots of anti-man sentiment yelled by topless baseball players. And popcorn.

If you're into that sorta thing, you'll love it.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Blood Games...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

The Divine Enforcer (1992)

DivineEnforcer1
Title: The Divine Enforcer
Blessed Are The Peacemakers... And Those Who Kick Butt!

CinemaBandits Review: Okay, so the last two films featured here star a Landers sister. Fine. I admit it. I'm going through a Love Boat/Fantasy Island phase. I just can't get enough of those stars of yesteryear camping it up in some silly stories.

The Divine Enforcer is one of the silliest. A psychic priest vigilante uses his confessional to get tips for hunting down and killing mean criminals. He goes after a drug dealer, a strip club owner, some rapists, a serial killer, and a teenage Madonna pop-star wannabe.

There's some B-movie royalty floating around this movie... Jim Brown, Jan-Michael Vincent, Erik Estrada (who's name is misspelled in the credits not just one time, but twice)

Seventy-five percent of this movie takes place at a dining table while Mr. Eric Estrada smokes a pipe, Mr. Jan-Michael Vincent reads his lines from a script hidden behind a newspaper, and the psychic priest eats hash browns served by Judy Landers... How could it possibly go wrong?

Well, it does. The psychic priest is played by Michael Foley. Mr. Foley has only two ways to say a line... mad & melodramatic or quiet & unintelligible. He alternates them to show range of character, I guess. But all it really does is make half the dialogue incomprehensible. Hence, you find yourself asking "What the hell is going on?" about half the time.

However, I have a sneaky feeling you'd be asking yourself that even if you could hear every bit of dialogue from this screenplay perfectly.

There is plenty of things stuffed in this movie to enjoy also... People shot by cross-emblazoned pistols... People stabbed by crucifix-shaped daggers... People karate-chopped by their spiritual leaders.

...and there's nearly three scenes where someone doesn't look directly at the camera.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Divine Enforcer...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Deadly Twins (1985)

deadlytwins
Title
: Deadly Trigger
The Best (& Only) Death-By-Carwash Scene Ever Seen In Film!

CinemaBandits Review: Deadly Trigger is a masterpiece. A hidden achievement buried on a VHS tape at the back of someone's storage unit.

It was also released under the title Deadly Twins presumably because it stars the Landers Sisters. The fact that they are not twins doesn't seem to get in the way of the one (and only) time director Joe Oaks... nor does any other piece of common sense.

But as the old saying goes "the star that burns brightest, also burns the fastest".

Director Joe Oaks never went on to do anything else. Nothing at all. Which is sad for folks like me. His acumen for dialogue, for plot, for coaxing nuance of character depth from his stars... well, it's not present. He seems to lack in every quality that would make a director.

But, by golly, he made such a fantastically horrible movie, I sure do wish he'd persevered and helmed a few other train wrecks. Unfortunately, now one can only imagine what heights of cinematic strangeness he would've achieved.

Mr. Oaks managed to get a nonsensical script, two of the dullest stars, give them inane dialogue, and film them doing grade school play stunts... and then get the result distributed to movie theaters.

There's a "death by car wash" scene, for god's sake. Some poor extra gets foam-soaped, rinsed, and waxed to death!

But when it all comes together, boy is it something wondrous... Something to be celebrated... Something fancy and delicious... Like a giant grotesque Landers Sisters sundae with a cherry on top.

Ms. Audrey Landers is the true star of this film. Her sister Judy manages to get star billing even though for roughly two-thirds of the movie she is unconscious. In her defense, for two-thirds of the movie Audrey isn't unconscious, but you might not notice the difference. Once again, Director Joe Oaks seems to have decided that every character in the film should sound near catatonic and deliver lines in the most awkward intonation possible. Love scenes become embarrassingly clumsy... but hilariously inept. Action scenes present about as much drama as an episode of The Brady Bunch.

Forget all the criticism I've just leveled at this film. Go put on a biohazard suit and get to digging in the dark, disgusting recesses of your aunt's garage for her copy of Deadly Trigger.

You'll thank me when you find it!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (9 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Deadly Trigger...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

The Doll Squad (1973)

francine york doll squad
Title
: The Doll Squad
It's Like Seal Team 6 Was Staffed With Kardashians!

CinemaBandits Review: The Saturn moon rocket has been destroyed by a madman. Utter destruction of a billion dollar space program. He demands a ransom or threatens something even more devastating.

The government's most advanced computer system analyzes the circumstances and concludes that this is a job for The Doll Squad. They're a crack all-female commando uit with vast experience dealing with terrorists all over the world. And although the girls fall for the old "look over there" trick to disarm them, the super computer assures the Defense Department they are the right choice.

It readily apparent why the computer has picked these women... (One of the girls is a stripper. One of them is a karate instructor at the local YMCA. One is a librarian. One is a swim coach)... and it certainly isn't because they claim professions that only reinforce their deadly skills. I think the U.S. Government super computer is a little bit of a pervert. It seems the only prowess the women really can claim is that they look good in bikinis.

They've found out where the madman's hideout is and attack... and by "attack" I mean they run around a awful lot in one-piece jumpsuits, screaming, and only occasionally get caught... okay, they get caught ALOT. (I counted four times that just the leader gets captured... in an hour and a half)

Luckily, they have a backup plan: Blow the hideout to kingdom come with massive amounts of explosives. Why they just didn't do that at the very start, rather than run around for 45 minutes getting caught by the bad guys at every turn, is the real mystery.

Whatever... They're the anti-terrorist experts, not me.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Doll Squad...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Camp Fear (1991)

CampFear1
Title: Camp Fear
There Will Be Sleeping Bags, Campfires Songs, S'mores... And Human Sacrifice!

CinemaBandits Review: I attended some pretty bad camps when I was a boy. At band camp I didn't shower for 8 days. At computer camp I returned with some new programming skills and a parasite.

But none of that compares to Camp Fear.

How about biker gangs? Or Stonehenge? Or time-traveling giants? Or aquatic dinosaurs? Or virgin sacrifices?

It all starts out innocently enough. A professor takes his class of 18 year old girls to the woods for a weekend slumber party. He doesn't invite any of the boys... just the lingerie-clad girls. What could be more innocent than that?

They all go out to the club and get drunk the night before. And it all goes south from there. It starts to rain. The bridge to the mountain goes out. A biker gang buys up all the beer at the convenience store. They can't find the lake. They lose their shoes.

Oh... and their virgin friend gets sacrificed by Druids to halt the end of the world.

My friend Richie dropped his trumpet in his plate of spaghetti and kept blowing out chunks of tomato for the rest of the summer. Although I'm willing to bet everything I own he was a virgin, at least he's still alive.

Everyone seems rather okay with the fact that it only took sacrifices of a few friends to save planet Earth. Teenagers can be rather cliquey sometimes.

However, the film does end on a happy note though. The town's lovable drunk gets eaten alive by the Loch Ness Monster.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Camp Fear...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Abominable (2006)

Abominable1
Title: Abominable
Bigfoot Haters Gonna Hate!

CinemaBandits Review: Bigfoot is real.

The debate is over. Finished. Kaput. Done.

There may be only vague casts of plaster in the rough shape of something that resembles a foot. There may be only extremely blurry photographs of blobby things out in the woods. There may only be one 50 year old video. There may be no DNA evidence. There may be no skeletal evidence.

But I'm pretty sure that my well-documented accurate reasoning based on my nearly 6 years of high school is much more reliable than all those so-called "facts". One day, while I'm out enjoying a burnt marshmallow by a campfire, I'll look up and see a giant hairy Sasquatch asking for a bite.

How cool would that be?!? I'm just sitting there... got my chocolate and graham cracker in hand... and a squatch walks up. He whimpers and makes a "I'm hungry" gesture. I take a look at my perfectly prepared s'more in my hand, say "what the heck", and hand it to him. He eats it in one bite and smiles back at me. We spend the night laughing and sharing good fellowship through non-verbal communication.

That'd be cool. And if it's cool, then screw you, scientists! And screw your research aimed at trying to rain on my Bigfoot parade!

Bigfoot is real.

As for the movie Abominable, I'm pretty sure it was made by these fancy-school-learned "experts". Just a bunch of science propaganda, if you ask me! It does not portray Bigfoot in a good way. They make up some preposterous story about how Sasquatch goes on a rampage killing teenage campers. Campers just trying to have some fun. He kidnaps girls, rips them in half, and bites their heads off.

Preposterous!

They did get one thing correct though... They made Bigfoot the look exactly like crazy-eyed character actor Jack Elam. All Bigfoots are the spittin image of Jack Elam. Fact.

It's quite entertaining... if you can overlook the absurd portrayal of Bigfoot behavior depicted by these Hollywood scientists, while blindly omitting the truth...

Bigfoot is real... and he likes marshmallows.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (7 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Abominable...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Blood Of Dracula's Castle (1969)

BloodDracula1
Title: Blood Of Dracula's Castle
CinemaBandits Title: Peace, Love, And Sucking Blood!

CinemaBandits Review: Dracula has retired. He's done biting young girls' necks. This is 1969... That's so not groovy, man! Dracula even changed his name so that people won't recognize him.

Of course, he hasn't quite given up on the whole "forever young" thing. He'll still imprison those young girls to drain their blood for his benefit, but he's sooo over sucking on the innocent. He simply orders his hulking servant Mango (named after the tropical fruit for some unknown reason) and butler John Carradine (you knew he was gonna show up somewhere) to round up nubile females, draw their blood intravenously, and make real Bloody Mary cocktails.

When family friend Johnny Davenport comes to visit, it's a heartfelt reunion of psychopaths. You see, it seems Johnny Davenport can't control himself when the moon becomes full. He's compelled to kill. He must be a werewolf, you say? Nope. Nary a hair to be found on this guy. That would make sense. He just really likes full moons.

Unfortunately, Dracula never bothered to change the name on the lease for his castle and now the new owners are dispossessing him and his wife.

That's the story. No, really.

Listen, the poor housing market affects us all. Prince Of Darkness or not, there's a lesson to be learned here.

All of this action takes place in, like, 4 rooms... this film won't win any beauty awards for panoramic shots (despite being shot by legendary cinematographer Lazlo Kovacs). Although, inexplicably, the first scene, where a glamorous model poses for a photo-shoot among walruses and pilot whales, takes place in the now defunct Marineland in California. We even get to ride up AND down the Marineland Observation Tower... cause that's frightening and belongs in a vampire film, I guess.

But really, in some weird way, it does belong. Because nothing in this movie makes any sense.


Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Blood Of Dracula's Castle...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Alien Outlaw (1985)

AlienOutlaw1
Title: Alien Outlaw
CinemaBandits Title: Alien vs Predator vs Roy Rogers!

CinemaBandits Review: Alien Outlaw is one of those movies. By all rights it shouldn't have been made. No budget. No stars. No special effects. No story. But, by golly, it got made.

And I am so glad it did.

It's ridiculously fun, outrageously silly, and, against all odds, totally memorable.

Here's the story: Three aliens crash land in a creek in North Carolina. They, without any back story whatsoever, decide to rape and murder the entire population of the nearby town. Luckily, a modern day Annie Oakley happens to be traveling through this town and decides to take it upon herself to rid the town of its unwelcome intruders.

Subplots abound also. Will our heroine ever hit the big time with her trick shooting career? Will she put on any pants? Will our two vacationing buddies decide to hunt or fish? Why are the neighbors blowing up corn? Do aliens from distant galaxies always travel with horse saddles?

Kari Anderson does a fine job as the professional trick shot artist Jessie Jamison. Having thought it died several decades ago, I didn't even realize 'trick shot artist' was still an option for a grownup person's career. Evidently it is, and she's easily one of the bright spots.

Odd that classic western stars Lash LaRue and Sunset Carson decided to appear in such a unconventional film. But there they are, hopelessly trying to make sense of this script. Not that the western serials of the 40's and 50's had brilliant scripts, but they did have some context to them.

But none of that should be a surprise to you. Nor should it dissuade you from enjoying the absurdity. This movie didn't start our with much, but it gleefully delivers on what it's got...

Bizarre fun!



Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (7 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Alien Outlaw...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Evils Of The Night (1985)

EvilsNight2
Title: Evils Of The Night
CinemaBandits Title: Alternative Lifestyle Aliens Buy A Hospital!

CinemaBandits Review: C'mon now. If you told me you were going to stick Catwoman and Ginger from Gilligan's Island in miniskirts and plop them smack dab in the middle of a space movie together, well, my 13 year old mind would've been blown.

Unfortunately, it's been quite a few years since I was 13 and even longer since Julie Newmar and Tina Louise looked even somewhat appropriate in miniskirts. But there they are -- in all their grandma'ness -- jumping around the silver screen in tiny little dresses.

Hubba Hubba!

However, they are mere eye candy to lure us into a convoluted narrative about alien hospital administrators. Yep... another one of those 'evil-hospital-administrators-from-outer-space' movies.

They hire two local mechanics to bring them fresh, nubile young bodies to harvest platelets from their blood. Luckily, they seem to have landed squarely in the middle of a gaggle of barely clothed teenagers. These evil hospital administrators are willing to pay cold hard cash for each body... in the form of quarters. Like, 8 or 9 quarters for each body. That's $2.25 per murder. A mechanic could retire after 80 or 90 thousand murders!

That's it. That's the plot... Well, there's lots of boobs and bikinis bouncing around. A few scenes of frolicking by a seaweed covered lake (huh?). Some shots of girls eating bananas... But, basically, there's your movie. It's a doozy.

Oh... and there's John Carradine in silver spandex. Can't forget that.



Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Evils Of The Night...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

The Astro-Zombies (1968)

AstroZombies pic copy

Title: The Astro-Zombies
CinemaBandits Title: The Russians Are After Our Zombie Technology!

CinemaBandits Review: I'm not sure what was going on at the CIA in the 1960's.

They tried to topple Fidel Castro with The Bay Of Pigs... they also tried mind-controlling the hippies with LSD... and now, I've come to find out after watching The Astro-Zombies, they tried to send zombies to the moon with John Carradine!

Evidently, back during the early years of the space race, there were two schools of thought:

1) use highly trained, extremely smart astronauts to guide billion-dollar spacecraft to the moon.

-or-

2) use zombies.

Thank God #1 prevailed! Or instead of Neil Armstrong's famous "One small step for man..." as the first words from the moon, we might have had mindless groans and moans. Instead of the iconic images of Buzz Aldrin planting the American flag on the surface of the moon, we might have had aimless wandering and shouts for "Brains!".

But I will give credit where credit is due... at least the CIA dressed all their Astro-Zombies in smart looking sport-jackets!

And, interestingly enough, they also installed solar-panels on all of the zombie-astronauts' foreheads.

The CIA were being responsible citizens of Mother Earth and invested heavily in "green" technology for their zombies. In fact, they've inspired me to become more environmentally accountable... the next time I create a crazed werewolf, I will only wash him with a phosphate-free shampoo that isn't tested on animals.

Somehow the Russians find out about this awesomely advanced American space-zombie technology and decide to send a Mexican pimp and a Russ Meyer girl to try to steal it (because everybody knows giant-bosomed girls in skin-tight dresses with huge fake eyelashes make the best spies!).

Their plan doesn't work... our zombie space program stays years ahead of the Russians... and we win the Cold War!

That's how it happened... Look it up!


Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Astro-Zombies...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Galaxy Of Terror (1981)

galaxyterror

Title: Galaxy Of Terror
CinemaBandits Title: Not So 'Happy Days'!

CinemaBandits Review: Remember that Happy Days episode where Richie Cunningham is visited by Mork From Ork? Remember thinking, as an 8 year old, that it was sure to win an Emmy?.... Only later realizing it was one of the worst things ever filmed?

Now imagine that story with even less believability... with Joanie instead of Richie... and instead of Robin Williams, substitute a really big glob of horny Jell-O... well, you got yourself Galaxy Of Terror!

If you're like me, when you first saw the movie ALIEN you thought to yourself "Man, that was a superb movie! If only it starred that girl from Happy Days!... If only it had a plot-line that involved the Church Of Scientology!... If only the Alien was trying to bump uglies with the crew rather than trying to eat them!"... If you thought that, then this stinky burrito of a movie is for you.

Joanie seems to be some sort of psychic sent to another planet by a higher power to search for extraterrestrial souls.

(I promise you... L. Ron Hubbard did not write the screenplay. Although, if he had, Battlefield Earth would now be considered his second worse movie.)

And even though Joanie was at the peak of her career when this movie was made, top billing goes to Edward Albert (son of TV's Green Acres Eddie Albert) and Ray Walston (from My Favorite Martian)... presumably because of the immense amount of credibility & acting integrity both bring to the film... just take a look at some of their credits: Alf, SuperBoy, The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, and the venerable Fist Fighter 2!

Star power!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Galaxy Of Terror...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:


Bail Out (1989)

bailout copy

Title: Bail Out
CinemaBandits Title: Miami Vice... Hasselhoff Style!

CinemaBandits Review: There has been some truly talented male/female pairings in Hollywood... Humphrey Bogart & Lauren Bacall... Spencer Tracy & Katherine Hepburn... Clark Gable & Lana Turner...

Well, you can add another couple to that list:

David Hasselhoff & Linda Blair!

Watch out Lucy & Desi... here comes The Hoff and his lady-friend!

This is an action-packed, explosion-filled, jungle-based adventure extravaganza not seen since that Three's Company episode where Jack, Chrissy, Janet, Larry, Mr. Furley, and Lana go camping!

It also sports classic examples of "eye-acting". You know what I'm talking about... let's say Linda Blair is tied up with a gag in her mouth and, let's say, David Hasselhoff bursts into the room to save her. But, let's also say, Daivd Hasselhoff doesn't see the bad guy just around the corner... Linda Blair breaks out the "eye-acting" and tries to tell The Hoff, using just her eyes, that he's about to be ambushed by that bad guy. For about one minute of screen time, we get to see an actress in the prime of her career jiggle her eyes back and forth, shimmy her eye-brows up and down, and generally look like she's doing a ridiculously poor Marty Feldman impersonation... all the while confusing poor David Hasselhoff.

But they don't stop there... there's the "Please Don't Let The Bad Guys Know You Recognize Me" eye-acting! Or the "Somebody Help Me, I've Just Been Kidnapped And Thrown In The Back Of A Van" eye-acting! Or even the "I'll Play Along With The Head Bad Guy, But I'm Really Just Looking For An Escape" eye-acting! It's an eye-acting clinic!

I'm pretty sure Juilliard devotes a whole semester to the subject.

But let's not forget The Hoff, who manages to spend the entire first half of the movie pretending he's the lone white member of Kid-N-Play with one of those bad, neon-colored tennis/jogging outfits from the eighties...
Bailout copy 2
...with his pants pulled up entirely too high.

Originally titled WB, Blue and the Bean, the name was changed to Bail Out... presumably because they didn't want it to be confused with BJ and the Bear... a hit television show from a decade before about a monkey named Bear and a guy named BJ. (actually, I'm just guessing at that.)

Anyway... considering this film's critical and financial impact, I'm surprised that Hollywood did not team up David Hasselhoff and Linda Blair for more film magic. Although, I'm hearing a Hasselhoff/Blair remake of Gone With The Wind is in the works.

Let's keep our fingers crossed!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Bail Out...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



Conquest (1983)

conquest pic copy

Title: Conquest
CinemaBandits Title: Arnold Schwarzenegger Has Awesome Laser-Arrow Skills!

CinemaBandits Review: Can a movie filled with laser-arrows really be that bad??!?

Conquest answers that age-old question... and the answer is a resounding "Yes"!

I mean, we're talkin' about frickin' laser-arrows, here! Good golly, I don't know how they could've screwed it up, but they did!

I used to dream about laser-arrows...
My name was 'Red-Dragon Man' and I was wandering the vast wasteland of 'Sabre-Cat World'. My only purpose was keeping the people free from the tyranny of the Sabre-Cats. You see, Sabre-Cats like to enslave people by making them build Sabre-Cat armor. Many people had tried to fight the Sabre-Cats, but their armor was impenetrable... except by laser-arrows (which, I alone possess)...
That was my dream... and the script for "Laser-Cat Nebula", a feature length treatment that's sitting in my filing cabinet right now.

But now, after watching Conquest, I'm beginning to wonder if any movie starring laser-arrows can be good... even mine.

Sure, in my dream-movie, the laser-arrows are used to fight space-kittys... but other than that, there's not much difference. For Instance... in Conquest, the hero runs around in leather speedos... in my dream, I run around in leather boxers (boxers are slightly longer... less chafing!).

So, even though this movie has laser-arrows AND werewolves (oh... I forgot to mention the werewolves?!?), it has turned out to be one of the greatest disappointments of my life. Not only did Conquest not live up to my expectations, but it also made me think my dream of laser-arrows and Space-Cats may be just that... a dream.

I might have to switch to ninja-ferrets.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Conquest...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



Fatal Justice (1994)

FatalJustice copy copy

Title: Fatal Justice
CinemaBandits Title: It's Like Schindler's List... Only A Lot, Lot Worse!

CinemaBandits Review: Every once in a while, God looks down upon you and smiles: you get some extra french-frys you didn't order...you find a $20 bill on the ground... you stumble across a gas station that's 3 cents cheaper than all the others... or....

You stumble upon a movie like Fatal Justice!

A movie so incredibly inept... so absolutely silly and lacking common sense... with so much clumsy film-making... that's it's truly a wondrous delight to watch!

I don't know who Gerald Cain is (the director of this mess)... but why he isn't mentioned in the same breath as Ed Wood, when discussing clueless directors, is beyond me!

Evidently, Gerald Cain made another film called Dust To Dust... and you can bet your bottom dollar, right this very minute, I'm searching the cob-webbed back-rooms of every video store I can think of to try to find it! I don't know how it could top Fatal Justice, but a guy can hope, can't he??!?

From the moment the first images of this movie splashed across my TV screen, I knew I had stumbled upon truly great bad-filmmaking!

There are so many jaw-dropping moments in this film... From exploding watermelons to a Ford Escort being used as a get-away car... from outrageously high-waisted shorts to CIA candidates that look like out-of-shape construction workers. At one point in the film, during a car case, the heroine switches from a left-hand driving position to a right-hand driving position... then back to a left-hand driving position! I'm guessing the film was accidently flipped over during editing... and the director didn't notice!

However, after watching Fatal Justice, it's a safe bet the director may have been drunk throughout the entire process!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (9 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Fatal Justice...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:


Dracula, Prisoner Of Frankenstein (1972)

DraculaPrisoner copy

Title: Dracula, Prisoner Of Frankenstein
CinemaBandits Title: Be Nice, Or Dr Frankenstein Will Tell His Mommy On You!

CinemaBandits Review: If you like watching people scream for no apparent reason... or you like vampire movies shot in Mexico... or you simply like watching a werewolf with an afro battle Frankenstein... then Dracula, Prisoner Of Frankenstein is the movie for you!

But the fun doesn't stop there....

The movie takes place in the late 19th century, yet, inexplicably, a 1960's mini-van makes a brief cameo appearance about 1/3 of the way into the film. Didn't exactly do their history homework, I guess!

The movie was shot in English... then dubbed into Spanish... then subtitled back into English. Although you might not ever notice... there's only about 20 lines of dialogue in the whole movie... which makes it fun trying to figure out just what the heck is going on!

Just prior to filming, evidently the director realized he absolutely loved the zoom feature on his camera. That crazy little bugger just can't stop zooming!

And there's so many more things to hate/love about this funky burrito of a film.

But let's take a second to mention the story (a dangerous thing to do with this type of movie!). Here it is in a Mexican-Jumping-Bean-nutshell:

Count Dracula is killed by the locals. Dr Frankenstein devises a plan to take over the world. Dr Frankenstein buys Count Dracula's castle. Dr Frankenstein brings back to life not only his monster, but also Count Dracula. Dr Frankenstein doesn't notice that 10 feet away from Count Dracula's coffin is another female vampire. The female vampire turns into a bat and flies around Dr Frankenstein. Dr Frankenstein becomes offended and gives up. The End.

I'm guessing Dr Frankenstein never heard the expression "Winner's never quit"... or even "Sticks & stones...."!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



Wanna see the whole thing? CLICK HERE

Forbidden World (1982)

forbiddenworld pic copy

Title: Forbidden World
CinemaBandits Title: Drain-Clog Develops Self-Awareness!

CinemaBandits Review: The monster-creation budget must've been rather small for the producers of Forbidden World... I've seen scarier things snaked out of my sink!

Unless a hair-clip with eyes frightens you, you're probably not going to be scared by much in this little stinker of a movie... except, maybe, the insipid 80's soundtrack!

Colby, our intrepid intergalactic hero, is called in when a food research space lab is overrun by an angry plant. You see, Colby is a tough guy space ranger who's only called in when every other attempt to eradicate the unruly weed has failed.

And boy is he in for a heck of a fight... this is one bad fern! It's has already killed two nutritional lab assistants and a janitor!

Colby swoops in with his trusty robot sidekick (who looks like a stormtrooper from Star Wars... but sounds alot like a boy who hasn't hit puberty yet) to kick some shrubbery-butt!

For some unknown reason, he's joined by the female half of the Swedish pop-group ABBA. And, even though there's a really mean bush on the loose, they still manage to prance around in one-piece jump-suits for awhile.

See that girl, watch that scene, diggin' the dancing queen!

However, bra-less Swedes in high-heels or not, this ill-tempered seedling is havin' none of it... and soon red-tinted corn syrup & green-tinted chlorophyl starts a-flyin'!

Thanks to some space-age weapons (that look suspiciously like they were scrounged up at the local automotive repair shop) and some ingenuity, Colby is able to out-smart the depraved herb... and save half the members of ABBA!

Swedish disco lives to boogie another day!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Forbidden World...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



Wanna see the whole thing? CLICK HERE

Count Dracula's Great Love (1972)

draculaslove1 copy

Title: Count Dracula's Great Love
CinemaBandits Title: Mexican Vampire Seeks Chica For Some Cháca Cháca!

CinemaBandits Review: What's the first thing you think of when I say "Count Dracula"???

MEXICO!!!!

Nothin' quite like a Mexican vampire movie!

Deep in the dusty deserts of Northern Mexico, also known as Transylvania, lies a sinister cása... er, castle. The Prince of The Undead, Dracula, walks it's halls night after endless night seeking the eternal life-force he craves: a girl he can call his 'old lady'... his 'home skillet'... his 'Yoko Ono'!

After all, sucking the blood of innocent peasants can be quite disassociating. So, after a night of terrorizing the villagers in a mad orgy of blood-letting, dismembering, and death, coming home to your little woman can bring a little sense of "family" to a vampire's life.

Well, this is the Dracula's lucky day. Four women happen to get stuck on the road that passes right by Count's crib.

And after meeting them, Dracula's gone gaga over one!

Sure, he'll bite the neck of the other three, but it doesn't have any meaning for him... no connection... no fulfillment... just empty lust.

What the Count really wants is a lady that shares his same passions... his Joie de Vie! (or should I say, Joie de Mort)

In Karen, our heroine, he's found his soul-mate! Who could blame him... Karen has so much to offer. There's... uh... ummm... well, there's.... no.... uh... (Alright, after watching 90 minutes of this film, I can find no redeeming qualities in Karen. Her greatest talents seem to be walking around in nighties and having a blank stare stuck on her face. Why the heck a man, who had literally hundreds of years to find a good woman, would pick this girl... well, it truly baffles me. Anyway, back to the story...)

Unfortunately, Karen ain't so hot on Dracula's plan of turning her into a living-dead concubine for all of eternity... And Dracula's so whipped by this chick, he commits suicide rather than live on without her.

Umm, hello... Why didn't he just bite her when she wasn't looking??!?

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Count Dracula's Great Love...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



Wanna see the whole thing? CLICK HERE

Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster (1965)

FrankenSpace copy

Title: Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster
CinemaBandits Title: Those Earth Women-Folk Sure Is Pretty!

CinemaBandits Review: Mars has a little problem.

They've gone and had a nuclear war.

Seems as though our sister planet has the same issues we do... Men in positions of power use violence to try to solve problems, which eventually results in a world-wide conflagration... a nuclear war!... making their planet uninhabitable.

Oh... and they done ain't got no women there, neither!

So, the last remaining Martians have travelled to Earth to gather up our females... presumably because they've received TV signals of the Oprah Show and thought to themselves "I gots to get me some of that!".

Makes perfect sense so far, huh?

Unfortunately, the name of the movie, Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster, implies there's gonna be a 'Frankenstein' somewhere in the movie. The writers must have brought this little point to the attention of the director because, for a reason I still can't understand, a whole other plot surfaces suddenly. This one has a NASA cyborg landing on Puerto Rico and terrorizing that tropical paradise by crashing dance-party's, and running around the beaches killing local coconut farmers!

And if there's one thing you don't do in Puerto Rico, it's screw with the coconut farmers........ or eat tacos from a street vendor!

No way, Jośe!

Soon the entire Puerto Rican army (which consists entirely of 1 General, 2 Jeeps, a few corporals, and lots of stock footage) is on the move. And they don't care if you're from another planet or if you're a horribly malfunctioning human robot... they're kickin' some butt and takin' some names!

Well, needless to say, the Martians and that NASA robot-thingy picked the wrong unincorporated territory of the United States to mess with.

Both the coconut farmers and the gentler sex are saved!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



Wanna see the whole thing? CLICK HERE

Angels' Wild Women (1972)

WildWomen copy

Title: Angels' Wild Women
CinemaBandits Title: Tommy Chong Got A Hold Of Some Bad Stuff!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: Don't let the title fool you...

Sure there's biker chicks kickin' behinds, but Angels' Wild Women is really a delicate love story.

A love story between a biker and his chick...
Between a biker and his brother...
Between a biker and his bike...
Between a biker gang and a hippie gang...

Or, wait... uh... ummm... is it a violent thriller...
Between a biker and his chick...
Between a biker and his brother...
Between a biker and his bike...
Between a biker gang and a hippie gang...

Because at some point in this mess of a script they have tender heart-felt moments with each other... then in the next moment, inexplicably, the fists start flyin'. (kinda like me and Bart, my pet monkey)

Shot on location mostly in and around Spahn's Movie Ranch, site of the infamous Manson Family, it takes a few queues from that real life event... although, in a ultra-weird-lucy-in-the-sky-with-diamonds sorta vibe, man! Climb in the back with your head in the clouds and you're gone!

Although he's the unquestioned doppelgänger of comedian Tommy Chong, the leader of the evil hippie gang is supposed to be one bad dude (even though they share the same love of mind-altering substances)! Named 'King', he's rules the Spahn Ranch with an iron fist... well, not really. But the plot might make more sense if he did.

Anyway, I suppose the filmmaker, Al Adamson, was going for the anti-hero theme for this film, ala Easy Rider or even Dirty Harry. Unfortunately, all he was able to pull off was characters so convoluted that, by the end of the film, you really don't care who lives or who dies... you're just glad it ended!
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Angels' Wild Women...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



Wanna see the whole thing? CLICK HERE

The Blood Of Fu Manchu (1968)

FuManchu pic copy

Title: The Blood Of Fu Manchu
CinemaBandits Title: Chinese Manufactured Lipstick Filled With Lead...Killer Kisses!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: Let's say you're an astronomically wealthy Chinese warlord. And let's say you have enemies all over the world, who you desperately want to kill. And let's also say you have about 200 or so ninjas working for you.

What would you do?

Send out teams of ninja assassins to covertly hunt your enemies down and kill them?
Nope.

Hire mercenaries to do your dirty work for you?
Nope. Try again.

Open a Chinese sweat-shop factory...force your ninjas to make defective Nike sneakers...sell those Nike sneakers to your enemies...and maniacally laugh as they develop annoying foot pains?
Nope... But you're getting close!

How about moving your whole ninja posse to the jungles of South America, setting up a high-tech terrorist hide-out in the biggest cave this side of Oprah's house, kidnap some women, infect them with a poison which kills men only when kissed, and then send them out hoping they can get funky with your enemies?

Yep. That's what you'd do.

You wonder how Fu Manchu became so successful as a villain coming up with needlessly complicated schemes for world domination like that! Well, he did, nonetheless.

But the real fun comes from the mad Oriental Fu Manchu being chased by stuffy Englishmen, Mexican bandits, corrupt government officials, a highly emotional woman who likes to dress up in kid's cowboy hats, and an Indiana Jones look-a-like from Holland who sweats profusely.

Needless to say, Fu Manchu's plan fails... but not before he escapes!

(Probably so that he may come up with an even more outrageously stupid world domination plan in the next movie!)
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Blood Of Fu Manchu...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



Wanna see the whole thing? CLICK HERE

Battle In Outer Space (1959)

battlespace copy

Title: Battle In Outer Space
CinemaBandits Title: It's The Oscar Mayer Wiener-Mobile To The Rescue!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: The Japanese must really love their hot-dogs! You see, in Battle In Outer Space, not only does the Asian island nation send a crack commando unit to the moon to fight off an invading army from the Planet Netal... but they send not just one, but two Oscar Mayer Wiener-Mobiles in for the attack!

Things do not go well on the moon... they lose one Wiener-Mobile!

However, they do manage to save the other one... which is very good news for all us who run and excitedly scream like little girls when we see the frankfurter-on-wheels in our neighborhood.

I am not sure where the Japanese learned to love the little hot-dog.

I realize that after World War II, most of Japan developed a kind of "cult of personality" for anything American... like baseball, modern technology, and the "pull-my-finger" joke. But why hot-dogs? They certaily don't taste good with soy-sauce on them... nor does the thought of a wiener sushi roll sound appetizing... but those little Japanese fellows took to hot-dogs anyway!

All-in-all, the movie is plain good ol' fun, complete with everything a good Japanese sci-fi movie needs... flying-saucers, cute kids, aliens from distant galaxies who remarkably speak English, and evil Iranian dictators!
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (7 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Battle In Outer Space...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



Wanna see the whole thing? CLICK HERE

Giant From The Unknown (1958)

GiantUnknown pic2 copy copy

Title: Giant Of The Unknown
CinemaBandits Title: Giant Conquistadors Have Giant Helmets!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: There's a giant dead Spanish conquistador roaming the sleepy resort town of Pine Ridge... and he's desperately looking for a shower! Brought back to life by an electrical storm, the newly reanimated Spaniard named Vargas, or El Diablo Giant, instead finds chickens, women, and scientists!

After being dead for 500 years, I'm guessing he makes some fajitas out of the chickens (he's hungry), has a fiesta with the women (he's lonely), but I have no idea what he's gonna do with the scientists.

Once the townsfolk find out about the undead giant terrorizing their woman and chickens, they react the way we all do when something we don't understand confuses and frightens us... they attack and try to kill it. Evidently, back in 1958, there were no 'Undead Conquistador Awareness' classes available to the people of Pine Ridge. In their ignorance, they run around spewing hate and violence towards El Diablo Giant like a bunch of undead-o-phob bigots!

Where's an Oprah TV Special that raises zombie-awareness when you need it?!?

They eventually succeed in trapping the evil giant, but not before he assaults Charlie Brown (the pimply-faced town teenager), Parker (the town's sheriff), and Indian Joe (the town's -- you guessed it -- Indian). Although I'm sure that if the townsfolk of Pine Ridge had bothered to just get to know Vargas The Giant Devil, they would have found out that he's not so different than themselves... and this whole mess could've been avoided!

Let's all have a zombie fiesta!
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Giant Of The Unknown...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



Wanna see the whole thing? CLICK HERE

The Alien Factor (1978)

AlienFactorPIC copy

Title: The Alien Factor
CinemaBandits Title: Sheriff With Barry Manilow Hair Fights Evil Alien In Jeans!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: Way back in 1978, The Walt Disney Company was scouring the country for an appropriate spot for their newest amusement park EPCOT. They had narrowed the search to include only two locations... the Orlando area, right next to Disneyworld... or Perryville, a tiny hick-town in Maryland.

As we know, they chose Orlando... but not many people know why. The Alien Factor tells the true story! ALIENS IN JEANS!

Seems that these aliens, before reeking havoc on the small town of Perryville, stopped by the Gap to pick up some mid-rise boot-cut jeans... I mean, who wants to cause mayhem and terrorize townsfolk in some shiny silver latex body-suit?

How cliché!

Our hero alien, Mr. Zachary, is a complex character. At once, blending into the native hillbilly population with his ill-fitting flannel shirts and a wild-and-wooly poorly-trimmed piece of man-hair that doubles as a mustache growing willy-nilly across his upper lip... while also possessing far advanced scientific knowledge and technologies, like dart guns and audio speakers!

He dutifully races around Perryville searching for the evil aliens... aided by a sheriff so low-key you'd think he has just overdosed on Valium and screaming girls who, obviously immobilized with fear, never run from the attacking alien... they simply stand and scream (which in this movie, as it turns out, is highly effective). This troop of denim'ed-evil-alien hunters only stops to enjoy the musical stylings of a rock band who (keep in mind it's 1978... a year deep in the throws of disco) dress in the fabbest 60's attire of Nehru jackets and ascots! They're so groovy, man!

What a magical town Perryville is! I can see why Disney was considering it!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Alien Factor...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



Wanna see the whole thing? CLICK HERE

The Doomsday Machine (1972)

doomsday pic copy

Title: The Doomsday Machine
CinemaBandits Title: Dysfunctional Co-Dependents Make Great Astronauts

CinemaBandits Reveiw: We head all the way back to 1972 for the next Funky Burrito of a movie... back to a simpler time. We knew who our enemy was.

It was the communists!

They were everywhere... In Cuba... In Vietnam... In the Soviet Union... In China!

In fact, not only did China threaten our security with the latest in elevator technology, but also threatened the entire world with a Doomsday weapon (that looked very much like a gum-ball machine)!
This evil gum-ball weapon was so frightening, that the Soviet Union joined with the top scientific minds in the U.S. to develop a contingency plan:
1) build a spaceship with enough room for La-Z-Boy recliners, desk lamps, and pink terry-cloth robes
2) pick the most emotionally unstable people you can find, make them astronauts
3) send them into space with a clip-board and a crowbar... hope for the best!

I know it sounds like a bad plan, but I assure you... Stuart J. Byrne, writer of The Doomsday Machine, spent at least 5-7 minutes researching and then formulating this plot!... And David L. Hewitt, special effects creator, spent slightly less time putting Stuart J. Byrne's vision onto the screen!

All throughout this epic journey we're offered glimpses into Byrne's creative mind... a cat-throwing super-spy (no joke)... a talking planet... and a scene where, probably for the first time ever (on film... I'm sure it happens in real life all the time), a person is killed by their own hair!

Believe me, you won't need any extra cheese for this stinky burrito!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Doomsday Machine...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



Wanna see the whole thing? CLICK HERE