Blood Games (1990)

bloodgames pic copy copy
Title: Blood Games
Hee-Haw - The Director's Cut

CinemaBandits Review: I've never heard of professional traveling baseball clubs that travel from town to town. Never mind professional traveling baseball clubs that travel from town to town filled with feminism activists...Or professional traveling baseball clubs that travel from town to town filled with feminism activists with elite survival skills... Or professional traveling baseball clubs that travel from town to town filled with feminism activists with elite survival skills that are swimsuits supermodels.

But, evidently, they're big in the backwoods of the south... popular at bar-mitzvahs and birthday parties.

So when a local father hires the BallGirls traveling baseball club for his son's birthday party, he expected a fun-filled afternoon. A sunny day with America's pastime played by some scantily clad young women.

Oh sure, a few of the boys might flirt a little with the girls. Perhaps a teasing remark. Maybe a playful pat on the derièrre. Possibly ripping off some clothes and angrily forcing themselves upon the lady ballplayers.

Yeah, things got way out of hand.

Well, before you know it, it's all World War III between the ultra sweaty degenerate hillbillies and the ubër Rambo'esque b-ball girls. Lots and lots of scenes with bloody jerseys stained by tobacco spit.

Inexplicably, it took five writers to concoct this story... and they made a mess of it. For example, the bar scene at the beginning has the phrase "I want more popcorn!" or "More popcorn!" or "Popcorn!" (or some variation of that) spoken by the bad guys about 25 times. Guessing that with each new draft, each new writer felt the scene didn't have enough "popcorn" dialogue... Got to have more "popcorn"! Subsequently, the major character trait for the antagonists of this movie is that they really, really frickin love popcorn.

It's essentially a women's lib movie with lots of anti-man sentiment yelled by topless baseball players. And popcorn.

If you're into that sorta thing, you'll love it.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Blood Games...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

The Divine Enforcer (1992)

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Title: The Divine Enforcer
Blessed Are The Peacemakers... And Those Who Kick Butt!

CinemaBandits Review: Okay, so the last two films featured here star a Landers sister. Fine. I admit it. I'm going through a Love Boat/Fantasy Island phase. I just can't get enough of those stars of yesteryear camping it up in some silly stories.

The Divine Enforcer is one of the silliest. A psychic priest vigilante uses his confessional to get tips for hunting down and killing mean criminals. He goes after a drug dealer, a strip club owner, some rapists, a serial killer, and a teenage Madonna pop-star wannabe.

There's some B-movie royalty floating around this movie... Jim Brown, Jan-Michael Vincent, Erik Estrada (who's name is misspelled in the credits not just one time, but twice)

Seventy-five percent of this movie takes place at a dining table while Mr. Eric Estrada smokes a pipe, Mr. Jan-Michael Vincent reads his lines from a script hidden behind a newspaper, and the psychic priest eats hash browns served by Judy Landers... How could it possibly go wrong?

Well, it does. The psychic priest is played by Michael Foley. Mr. Foley has only two ways to say a line... mad & melodramatic or quiet & unintelligible. He alternates them to show range of character, I guess. But all it really does is make half the dialogue incomprehensible. Hence, you find yourself asking "What the hell is going on?" about half the time.

However, I have a sneaky feeling you'd be asking yourself that even if you could hear every bit of dialogue from this screenplay perfectly.

There is plenty of things stuffed in this movie to enjoy also... People shot by cross-emblazoned pistols... People stabbed by crucifix-shaped daggers... People karate-chopped by their spiritual leaders.

...and there's nearly three scenes where someone doesn't look directly at the camera.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Divine Enforcer...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Camp Fear (1991)

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Title: Camp Fear
There Will Be Sleeping Bags, Campfires Songs, S'mores... And Human Sacrifice!

CinemaBandits Review: I attended some pretty bad camps when I was a boy. At band camp I didn't shower for 8 days. At computer camp I returned with some new programming skills and a parasite.

But none of that compares to Camp Fear.

How about biker gangs? Or Stonehenge? Or time-traveling giants? Or aquatic dinosaurs? Or virgin sacrifices?

It all starts out innocently enough. A professor takes his class of 18 year old girls to the woods for a weekend slumber party. He doesn't invite any of the boys... just the lingerie-clad girls. What could be more innocent than that?

They all go out to the club and get drunk the night before. And it all goes south from there. It starts to rain. The bridge to the mountain goes out. A biker gang buys up all the beer at the convenience store. They can't find the lake. They lose their shoes.

Oh... and their virgin friend gets sacrificed by Druids to halt the end of the world.

My friend Richie dropped his trumpet in his plate of spaghetti and kept blowing out chunks of tomato for the rest of the summer. Although I'm willing to bet everything I own he was a virgin, at least he's still alive.

Everyone seems rather okay with the fact that it only took sacrifices of a few friends to save planet Earth. Teenagers can be rather cliquey sometimes.

However, the film does end on a happy note though. The town's lovable drunk gets eaten alive by the Loch Ness Monster.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Camp Fear...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Time Barbarians (1990)

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Title: Time Barbarians
CinemaBandits Title: Giant Hairless Pecs Attack Los Angeles!

CinemaBandits Review: I used to watch the television show American Gladiators and think: "One day, I'm gonna work out and get my body into shape. Then train as hard as I can until I'm an elite athlete. I'm going to get my self a neon-colored unitard and change my name to Mega-Bolt. Then they'll put me on American Gladiators and make me a star!"

I soon realized I would have to give up corn-dogs, pizza, cookies, eating frosting straight from the container, long naps on the couch, weekends spent doing literally nothing, using the scooter at the grocery instead of pushing a cart, getting up after 2pm, and Gilligan's Island marathons.

Then, to top it all off, someone invented the internet... I quickly changed my dream from starring in American Gladiators, to being the first person to download all the Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch podcasts.

I think I was successful.

But one person who held onto that American Gladiators dream was Deron McBee.

Deron McBee worked and worked until his pecs were the size of tiny bald horses... He got a flashy rastlin' outfit... He changed his name to Malibu... and quickly became the most awesome blond behemoth American Gladiator ever!

... oh, and he starred in our movie Time Barbarians.

And my suggestion to Deron McBee, aka Malibu... go back to making your pecs spectacularly huge & hair-free as fast as you can.

To call Deron McBee an "actor" is akin to calling a truck-stop restroom "fragrant".

Soooo-weeeeee! Woooo, pig..... com' on!

Deron plays Doran (I'm guessing because he can only learn one name at a time) with subtleness and deft understatement... much like Hulk Hogan. His ease at moving from an ancient Norwegian warrior to a modern-day Los Angelean in search of his girlfriend's killer is as smooth as Rosie O'Donnell tryin' to get into a wetsuit! And when he finds his soul-mate, his lifelong partner, the love of his life murdered... well, let's just say, I've displayed more grief at finding I've run out of Ranch Dressing.

Now I'm not saying Malibu had no chance at becoming the next Schwarzenegger....

..... well, yes... I am saying that.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Time Barbarians...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



Fatal Justice (1994)

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Title: Fatal Justice
CinemaBandits Title: It's Like Schindler's List... Only A Lot, Lot Worse!

CinemaBandits Review: Every once in a while, God looks down upon you and smiles: you get some extra french-frys you didn't order...you find a $20 bill on the ground... you stumble across a gas station that's 3 cents cheaper than all the others... or....

You stumble upon a movie like Fatal Justice!

A movie so incredibly inept... so absolutely silly and lacking common sense... with so much clumsy film-making... that's it's truly a wondrous delight to watch!

I don't know who Gerald Cain is (the director of this mess)... but why he isn't mentioned in the same breath as Ed Wood, when discussing clueless directors, is beyond me!

Evidently, Gerald Cain made another film called Dust To Dust... and you can bet your bottom dollar, right this very minute, I'm searching the cob-webbed back-rooms of every video store I can think of to try to find it! I don't know how it could top Fatal Justice, but a guy can hope, can't he??!?

From the moment the first images of this movie splashed across my TV screen, I knew I had stumbled upon truly great bad-filmmaking!

There are so many jaw-dropping moments in this film... From exploding watermelons to a Ford Escort being used as a get-away car... from outrageously high-waisted shorts to CIA candidates that look like out-of-shape construction workers. At one point in the film, during a car case, the heroine switches from a left-hand driving position to a right-hand driving position... then back to a left-hand driving position! I'm guessing the film was accidently flipped over during editing... and the director didn't notice!

However, after watching Fatal Justice, it's a safe bet the director may have been drunk throughout the entire process!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (9 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Fatal Justice...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto: