Hercules (1983)

Hercules1
Title: Hercules
Hairy Men In Leather Gladiator Outfits!

CinemaBandits Review: The gods are watching over all of us. Making sure our life is fair. That our existence isn't threatened by evil. And when the dark forces gain the upper hand, the gods bring life back into balance...

...by sending us huge bearded men in tight leather underwear.

Men with bigger chests than most Sports Illustrated swimsuit models have fallen from heaven to crush evil between their chiseled buttocks.

The hairiest of them all is none other than Hercules. This guy is so manly, he fights eight shirtless stuntmen and throws a log into outer space. This guy is so manly, he cleans horse stalls and wears leather mini-skirts.

And even though witches, robots, and a guy in a bear suit try to kill him, Hercules smashes all of them in the clutches of his enormous glistening pecs.

Beads of sweat cascade down the gently rolling hills of massive sinew stretching across Hercules' taught frame. A sparkle of morning dew that settles on his ample beard twinkles in the moonlight each time he demolishes an inferior being. The suppleness of Hercules' bronze skin embraces...

...Sorry. All that flesh got me carried away.

It really boils down to this:

You'll love this movie if you like muscles.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Hercules...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

The Devil's Sword (1984)

DevilSword
Title: The Devil's Sword
What The Hell Is Going On In This Movie??!

CinemaBandits Review: The Devil's Sword is one hour and 41 minutes long... and I had absolutely no idea what was going on for approximately one hour and 40 minutes of the movie. The credits made sense. Then, complete and utter bewilderment. A truly astoundingly baffling movie that's beyond any mortal's ability to explain.

But here's my attempt...

Best I can tell, an evil underwater queen, who commands an alligator-man army, wants to be romanced by all the local boys. And when I say all, I mean all... Every single one of them. This really makes all the new brides rather jealous. So she decides to find a sword to control all the warriors of the planet... The Devil's Sword. But only one good warrior knows where this sword is. He enlists the help of a female peasant who takes him for a boat ride with the angel of death. The evil alligator queen decides to kill the good warrior. She hires four bad warriors to do it... One is an old lady, one is bald, one has a killer mustache, and one is her boy-toy. But before they can find him, they meet at the secret hiding place of The Devil's Sword (somehow they found it) where they dig holes, hold hands, give piggy-back rides, get their heads stuck in cliff rocks, and fight one-eyed rock-monsters.

...oh, then there's that 10 minute orgy.

I swear to the God, I made none of that up.

But after all that, you know what is the most mystifying part of this completely senseless, over-the-top mess of a movie?

It is a thoroughly enjoyable film.

At the end of it all, after all the insane dialogue, after all the comical martial arts fight sequences, after all the childish sound effects, and after all the severed body parts filled with ketchup squirting everywhere... after all that, you'll be entertained.

Absolutely entertained.

I have no idea if the filmmakers were going for a deep character driven piece of art or a in-depth spiritual soul searching odyssey. But what they succeeded in delivering is an hour and a half of wildly silly entertainment.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (8 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Devil's Sword...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Deadly Twins (1985)

deadlytwins
Title
: Deadly Trigger
The Best (& Only) Death-By-Carwash Scene Ever Seen In Film!

CinemaBandits Review: Deadly Trigger is a masterpiece. A hidden achievement buried on a VHS tape at the back of someone's storage unit.

It was also released under the title Deadly Twins presumably because it stars the Landers Sisters. The fact that they are not twins doesn't seem to get in the way of the one (and only) time director Joe Oaks... nor does any other piece of common sense.

But as the old saying goes "the star that burns brightest, also burns the fastest".

Director Joe Oaks never went on to do anything else. Nothing at all. Which is sad for folks like me. His acumen for dialogue, for plot, for coaxing nuance of character depth from his stars... well, it's not present. He seems to lack in every quality that would make a director.

But, by golly, he made such a fantastically horrible movie, I sure do wish he'd persevered and helmed a few other train wrecks. Unfortunately, now one can only imagine what heights of cinematic strangeness he would've achieved.

Mr. Oaks managed to get a nonsensical script, two of the dullest stars, give them inane dialogue, and film them doing grade school play stunts... and then get the result distributed to movie theaters.

There's a "death by car wash" scene, for god's sake. Some poor extra gets foam-soaped, rinsed, and waxed to death!

But when it all comes together, boy is it something wondrous... Something to be celebrated... Something fancy and delicious... Like a giant grotesque Landers Sisters sundae with a cherry on top.

Ms. Audrey Landers is the true star of this film. Her sister Judy manages to get star billing even though for roughly two-thirds of the movie she is unconscious. In her defense, for two-thirds of the movie Audrey isn't unconscious, but you might not notice the difference. Once again, Director Joe Oaks seems to have decided that every character in the film should sound near catatonic and deliver lines in the most awkward intonation possible. Love scenes become embarrassingly clumsy... but hilariously inept. Action scenes present about as much drama as an episode of The Brady Bunch.

Forget all the criticism I've just leveled at this film. Go put on a biohazard suit and get to digging in the dark, disgusting recesses of your aunt's garage for her copy of Deadly Trigger.

You'll thank me when you find it!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (9 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Deadly Trigger...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Hobgoblins (1988)

hobgoblins1
Title: Hobgoblins
Boy, The Muppets Sure Did Get Cranky Lately!

CinemaBandits Review: Crazy telepathic puppet hobgoblins from the 1950s have invaded a Hollywood movie studio. That's the premise of Hobgoblins.

Unfortunately, that's about as far as the writer developed the story. From there it kinda falls apart as quickly as Charlie Sheen's sobriety.

When the night watchman sees that these psychotic alien puppets are using mind control to destroy the lives of everyone on the lot, he decides to do the smart thing... stick them in a closet. He doesn't alert authorities to the evil extra terrestrials. He doesn't take matters into his own hands and kill the murderous puppets. He doesn't warn everybody to stay away from those tiny little wicked balls of fur. He just rounds them up and shoves them in a closet.

Heck, he doesn't even lock the closet door.

As a consequence, some poor temporary worker simply trying to make enough money to have a date with his abusive girlfriend, accidentally let's the otherworldly puppets out to terrorize a nightclub. (Why the hairy aliens couldn't just open the door themselves, is never explained)

The hobgoblins' iniquitous plan is to give their victims their hearts' desire... which always seems to involve removing some or all of their clothes and gyrate to some really dull music by 80s supergroup The Fontanelles. (yeah, I've never heard of them either)

Somehow, it always ends in mayhem and death...
Then some extras run around.


Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Hobgoblins...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Space Mutiny (1988)

SpaceMut
Title: Space Mutiny
More Sophisticated Than Making A Finger Laser-Gun and 'PEW PEW' noises... But Not By Much!


CinemaBandits Review: Remember when you saw Star Wars and thought "That's a heck of a space movie!"?
Remember when you saw Star Wars and thought "Those are some awesome sets!"?
Remember when you saw Star Wars and thought "Darth Vader is such a great villain!"?
Remember when you saw Star Wars and thought "Han Solo is so cool!"?
Remember when you saw Star Wars and thought "Leia looks cute in her costumes!"?

Yeah, well... how do I break this to you?

Space Mutiny is slightly different.

How about spaceships made of brick walls. Or a villain named after a woman's bath product? Or a hero who runs like a less coordinated Urkel from Family Matters? Or a sexy heroine about as alluring as your grandmother doing the Jane Fonda workout?

I didn't even mention the exciting space-golfcart chases that reach speeds of close to 7 mph.
...Or the chemistry between the leading man and lady that is about as red hot as a two 12 yr old pimply spelling bee champions with braces on a first date.
...Or Commander Santa Claus.
...Or the hula hoop discotheque.
...Or the endless running around for no reason at all of all the extras. I swear, a good 30 minutes of this movie --one third of the entire film-- is filled with people running back and forth, up and down, left and right, all over the place, completely devoid of justification. They just run. And then run some more. And then run some more.

The story is something like this: the villain wants to reroute a spaceship to somewhere... and that's bad. Then some extras run around. The hero, Dave Ryder, with help from the commander's grandmother... er, daughter, Leah Jansen, tries to stop him... and that's good. Then some extras run around.

It's all very Battlestar Galactica if Battlestar Galactica were directed by your aunt.

Then some extras run around.


Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (7 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Space Mutiny...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

The Perils Of Gwendoline In The Land Of The Yik Yak (1984)

Gwendoline
Title: The Perils Of Gwendoline In The Land Of The Yik Yak
CinemaBandits Title: Indiana Jones In Hot Leather!

CinemaBandits Review: This film had grand designs. It tries. It tries desperately.

It desires to reproduce the swashbuckling style of Errol Flynn. It wants to imitate the famous Cary Grant/Irene Dunne onscreen chemistry. It wishes to bring the Spielberg magic to a pulp adventure. It wants to be Raiders Of The Lost Ark.

But instead we get The Perils Of Gwendoline In The Land Of The Yik Yak... Yep. That's the name they went with... from director Just Jaeckin... Seriously. You read that right. Just Jaeckin. That's his name.

The onscreen chemistry Mr. Jaeckin so desperately tries to coax from the stars instead plays like a mean episode of The Honeymooners with Ralph and Alice at their worst, spewing disparaging insults at one another. It's ugly stuff.

Tawny Kitaen comes across as a fine young starlet. She does what she could with such limited material. After all, what can an actress do when asked to drive in a leather-lingerie-clad, girl-drawn chariot race? She may have gone on to greater things, but for some reason, gyrating on the hood of a Jaguar is her legacy.

Just like Ms. Kitaen's mainstream career, this whole movie misses the mark it was trying to achieve.

However, it misses it by so much, you can't help but watch. It's the epitome of the old "train wreck" metaphor.

Just when you think it's going to turn the corner and become a competent film, it suddenly flys off the rails, hits an embankment, and explodes in a spectacular conflagration of ineptitude. A simple moment between the stars becomes an uneasy, awkward, and hate-filled rant. A fun action sequence suddenly turns into a violent gorefest. An exotic location transforms into a sexist fetish wonderland.

But, hey, there's a slew of Nazi-nun-dominatrix movies... True hate-filled sexist gorefests are a staple of the B-movie genre. Gwendoline is a much kinder, gentler example. But none the less, still an exercise in misplaced indulgence.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe all of this was intentional. Maybe the makers of Gwendoline planned the whole thing as a grand celebration of derision and vice.

If so, bravo on a sublime lampoon.


Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Perils Of Gwendoline In The Land Of The Yik Yak...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Alien Outlaw (1985)

AlienOutlaw1
Title: Alien Outlaw
CinemaBandits Title: Alien vs Predator vs Roy Rogers!

CinemaBandits Review: Alien Outlaw is one of those movies. By all rights it shouldn't have been made. No budget. No stars. No special effects. No story. But, by golly, it got made.

And I am so glad it did.

It's ridiculously fun, outrageously silly, and, against all odds, totally memorable.

Here's the story: Three aliens crash land in a creek in North Carolina. They, without any back story whatsoever, decide to rape and murder the entire population of the nearby town. Luckily, a modern day Annie Oakley happens to be traveling through this town and decides to take it upon herself to rid the town of its unwelcome intruders.

Subplots abound also. Will our heroine ever hit the big time with her trick shooting career? Will she put on any pants? Will our two vacationing buddies decide to hunt or fish? Why are the neighbors blowing up corn? Do aliens from distant galaxies always travel with horse saddles?

Kari Anderson does a fine job as the professional trick shot artist Jessie Jamison. Having thought it died several decades ago, I didn't even realize 'trick shot artist' was still an option for a grownup person's career. Evidently it is, and she's easily one of the bright spots.

Odd that classic western stars Lash LaRue and Sunset Carson decided to appear in such a unconventional film. But there they are, hopelessly trying to make sense of this script. Not that the western serials of the 40's and 50's had brilliant scripts, but they did have some context to them.

But none of that should be a surprise to you. Nor should it dissuade you from enjoying the absurdity. This movie didn't start our with much, but it gleefully delivers on what it's got...

Bizarre fun!



Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (7 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Alien Outlaw...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Evils Of The Night (1985)

EvilsNight2
Title: Evils Of The Night
CinemaBandits Title: Alternative Lifestyle Aliens Buy A Hospital!

CinemaBandits Review: C'mon now. If you told me you were going to stick Catwoman and Ginger from Gilligan's Island in miniskirts and plop them smack dab in the middle of a space movie together, well, my 13 year old mind would've been blown.

Unfortunately, it's been quite a few years since I was 13 and even longer since Julie Newmar and Tina Louise looked even somewhat appropriate in miniskirts. But there they are -- in all their grandma'ness -- jumping around the silver screen in tiny little dresses.

Hubba Hubba!

However, they are mere eye candy to lure us into a convoluted narrative about alien hospital administrators. Yep... another one of those 'evil-hospital-administrators-from-outer-space' movies.

They hire two local mechanics to bring them fresh, nubile young bodies to harvest platelets from their blood. Luckily, they seem to have landed squarely in the middle of a gaggle of barely clothed teenagers. These evil hospital administrators are willing to pay cold hard cash for each body... in the form of quarters. Like, 8 or 9 quarters for each body. That's $2.25 per murder. A mechanic could retire after 80 or 90 thousand murders!

That's it. That's the plot... Well, there's lots of boobs and bikinis bouncing around. A few scenes of frolicking by a seaweed covered lake (huh?). Some shots of girls eating bananas... But, basically, there's your movie. It's a doozy.

Oh... and there's John Carradine in silver spandex. Can't forget that.



Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Evils Of The Night...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Pieces (1982)

Picture 2 copy
Title: Pieces
CinemaBandits Title: Can't Find The Perfect Woman? Make Your Own!

CinemaBandits Review: A killer is terrorizing a small college campus with a chain-saw. Campus security keeps finding dismembered girls all over the place. It's just a mess.

They call the police, but the cops can only spare 2 officers. Really, you can't expect law enforcement to drop everything to try to catch a serial killer... they've got things to do... like filing, and typing, and decorating the precinct headquarters!

Who's gonna plan Officer Ken's birthday party?!? Priorities, people!

How convenient, then, that this college employs maybe the most creepy-one-eyed-heavy-breathing-giant gardener ever! (who just happens to carry a chain-saw with him constantly)

Case solved, right?

Not so fast, Steven Seagal!

Sure, the creepy-one-eyed-heavy-breathing-giant gardener just happens to be present at each and every murder scene... and, sure, the creepy-one-eyed-heavy-breathing-giant gardener runs away from the police every chance he gets... but we know a red-herring when we see one. And so do the police.

So they hatch an ingenious plan:

They'll hold a tennis tournament at the college. They'll invite roughly 2 tennis players... a retired professional tennis star (who happens to now work as a police detective) & a 15 year old girl (who, after watching her play, seems to have never even seen a tennis racket before). The tournament will attract 7 or 8 people. Surely, one of those people will be the killer!

Well, as unlikely as it may seem to you and me (and anyone else on the face of this planet except for the writer of the plot), this plan actually works! For some reason, the tournament suddenly plays a John Philip Sousa march at the volume of a jet fighter engine. The killer becomes so enraged by that deafening tuba, he kills again!

Band instrument induced homicide!

Unfortunately, in all the celebration, nobody seemed to notice the 15 year old tournament runner-up being hacked up over in the corner.

Oh well.

They eventually catch & kill the maniac and find out what he's been doing with all the parts he's been taking from the dead girls... piecing them together to make a new one in his closet!

The End.

Not so fast, Jean-Claude Van Damme!

Suddenly, the pieced together body they find miraculously comes to life, jumps up, and attacks the man-parts of an innocent hapless student!!!

The End.

Seriously. The movie just stops.


Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Pieces...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Zombi 3 (1988)

Picture 3 copy
Title: Zombi 3
CinemaBandits Title: The Food Isn't The Only Reason To Be Scared of The Philipines Anymore!

CinemaBandits Review: 'Death 1' is a top secret biological weapon being developed by the Filipino army. It's so secret, they've taken every security precaution and assigned four soldiers with mustaches to guard it! Four! Imagine the Filipino army's utter surprise when two guys in a mini-van are able to steal the virus simply by running up and grabbing the suitcase it's in!

You have to give the Filipino security forces a little slack, though. They probably couldn't have imagined the elaborate escape plan those two guys in a mini-van came up with... running into some bushes. How are you supposed to track two guys in the bushes?!? It's bushes for-god's-sake!

Anyway, that nasty virus infects one of the guys in the mini-van, he checks into the nearest 1-star hotel, and that's when all hell breaks loose! Well, maybe not "all" hell... but a moderate amount of hell breaks loose. Scenes of bellboys delivering room service, people vacationing in RV's, and really pissed off birds are just a few of the examples of the "hell" you'll see.

The virus spreads like wildfire, infecting everyone in its path... 8 villagers, a pregnant woman, and a head in a refrigerator!

Well, that's pretty much everybody it infects.

But those same 8 villagers get around, man! You find one hiding behind a door, kill him, then the next building you come to... there he is again! This time, hiding on top of a 20 foot pillar!

How did that little sucker get up on top of a 20 foot pillar, you may ask?

Well, I'm guessing he got together with the other 7 zombie villagers and decided nobody would expect a zombie, who can barely walk, to jump down from a 20 foot pillar. So they went to Home Depot and bought one of those huge ladders, paid for it with bloody-goo covered cash, and limped all the way back home carrying a giant ladder (because who's gonna be able pick up 8 zombies with a massive ladder?!? Unless, one of them had a zombie friend with a big truck, probably no one). Then one zombie scrambled up to the top of that pillar to wait while the other zombies hid the ladder out of sight (so they wouldn't tip off their intended victim that a zombie was waiting on top a 20 foot pillar to pounce!).

That's probably what happened.


Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Zombi 3...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Raiders Of The Magic Ivory (1988)

raidersivory pic copy
Title: Raiders Of The Magic Ivory
CinemaBandits Title: Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves!

CinemaBandits Review: That's right! I said Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves!

Not only Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves, but Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves... that explode!!!

Not only Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves that explode, but Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves that explode... whose leader is Mark Twain!!!

Not only Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves that explode whose leader is Mark Twain, but Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves that explode whose leader is Mark Twain... in a dress!!!

Do I really need to write anything else?!??

Okay, here's the plot in a nutshell.... A rich Chinese guy needs to take over the world. He wants an ivory zombie tablet to help him do it. He hires a crack Army Rangers team comprised of a middle-aged chubby guy with a ridiculous 80's moustache and a beer-gut plus a feather-haired pretty-boy to do it. They fly to Vietnam, meet the Vietcong, fall in love, and sweat alot.

mitchumhagerty

Robert Mitchum's son, James (above left... doing his best beer-drinking-buddy character impression from the movie Overboard) turns in an action packed performance. Why he never rivaled Arnold Schwarzenegger as an action hero is incomprehensible.

(Although, it might have something to do with the fact that James Mitchum looks more like a beer-belly'd construction worker than an elite commando.)

And can somebody please tell me why the all the Vietcong in this film look alot like Cuban rebels?!?? I mean, I'm no history professor, but I could've sworn that the Vietnamese War was fought in Southeast Asia... not Latin America. Even one of the Vietcong's commander's smokes a big ol' cigar ala Fidel Castro.

Anyway... I felt like I was watching Sam Malone and Norm in some zany camping hijinks from TV's Cheers rather than 2 battle hardened Army veterans fighting for their very lives.

I was pretty sure that at any moment Cliff would pop up from behind some bushes and spout off useless information.

But I got somethng better... Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves!


Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Raiders Of The Magic Ivory...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

The Tomb (1986)

TheTomb pic copy

Title: The Tomb
CinemaBandits Title: The Mummy - Too Hot For TV!

CinemaBandits Review: Turns out, Brendan Fraser was a good actor after all!

I have to confess, the first few times I watched 1999's The Mummy, I was rather unimpressed with Brendan Fraser's performance.... much in the same way I'm unimpressed when I have food poisoning.

Oh sure, you may cite the movies Furry Vengeance, or Dudley Do-Right, or Monkeybone, or George Of The Jungle. or even the hearlded Encino Man as proof of Fraser's acting chops.... but I still questioned his ability while watching The Mummy.

You may even argue with me saying: "How can you question Fraser's thespian skills when he's able to pull off so many looks??!?"

brendanfraser

Call me a doubting-Thomas, but even with such compelling evidence, my mind still was not convinced Brendan was the next Marlon Brando.

Then I watched The Tomb.... .... and everything changed!

My eyes have been opened! I have seen the light!

After watching The Tomb's version of an ancient Egyptian mummy come back to life to chase a treasure hunter, I am a Brendan believer!

In fact, I'm petitioning the Academy Awards to retro-actively award Mr. Fraser an Oscar for his performance in The Mummy!

And as the only proof they will need, I'm sending them a copy of the performance of The Tomb's leading man Richard Hench (who's other main claim to fame is that he was Playgirl's Man of the Month for their April, 1984 issue).

The Brendan Fraser Fanclub will be meeting at my house from now on!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Tomb...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:


Galaxy Of Terror (1981)

galaxyterror

Title: Galaxy Of Terror
CinemaBandits Title: Not So 'Happy Days'!

CinemaBandits Review: Remember that Happy Days episode where Richie Cunningham is visited by Mork From Ork? Remember thinking, as an 8 year old, that it was sure to win an Emmy?.... Only later realizing it was one of the worst things ever filmed?

Now imagine that story with even less believability... with Joanie instead of Richie... and instead of Robin Williams, substitute a really big glob of horny Jell-O... well, you got yourself Galaxy Of Terror!

If you're like me, when you first saw the movie ALIEN you thought to yourself "Man, that was a superb movie! If only it starred that girl from Happy Days!... If only it had a plot-line that involved the Church Of Scientology!... If only the Alien was trying to bump uglies with the crew rather than trying to eat them!"... If you thought that, then this stinky burrito of a movie is for you.

Joanie seems to be some sort of psychic sent to another planet by a higher power to search for extraterrestrial souls.

(I promise you... L. Ron Hubbard did not write the screenplay. Although, if he had, Battlefield Earth would now be considered his second worse movie.)

And even though Joanie was at the peak of her career when this movie was made, top billing goes to Edward Albert (son of TV's Green Acres Eddie Albert) and Ray Walston (from My Favorite Martian)... presumably because of the immense amount of credibility & acting integrity both bring to the film... just take a look at some of their credits: Alf, SuperBoy, The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, and the venerable Fist Fighter 2!

Star power!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Galaxy Of Terror...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:


Bail Out (1989)

bailout copy

Title: Bail Out
CinemaBandits Title: Miami Vice... Hasselhoff Style!

CinemaBandits Review: There has been some truly talented male/female pairings in Hollywood... Humphrey Bogart & Lauren Bacall... Spencer Tracy & Katherine Hepburn... Clark Gable & Lana Turner...

Well, you can add another couple to that list:

David Hasselhoff & Linda Blair!

Watch out Lucy & Desi... here comes The Hoff and his lady-friend!

This is an action-packed, explosion-filled, jungle-based adventure extravaganza not seen since that Three's Company episode where Jack, Chrissy, Janet, Larry, Mr. Furley, and Lana go camping!

It also sports classic examples of "eye-acting". You know what I'm talking about... let's say Linda Blair is tied up with a gag in her mouth and, let's say, David Hasselhoff bursts into the room to save her. But, let's also say, Daivd Hasselhoff doesn't see the bad guy just around the corner... Linda Blair breaks out the "eye-acting" and tries to tell The Hoff, using just her eyes, that he's about to be ambushed by that bad guy. For about one minute of screen time, we get to see an actress in the prime of her career jiggle her eyes back and forth, shimmy her eye-brows up and down, and generally look like she's doing a ridiculously poor Marty Feldman impersonation... all the while confusing poor David Hasselhoff.

But they don't stop there... there's the "Please Don't Let The Bad Guys Know You Recognize Me" eye-acting! Or the "Somebody Help Me, I've Just Been Kidnapped And Thrown In The Back Of A Van" eye-acting! Or even the "I'll Play Along With The Head Bad Guy, But I'm Really Just Looking For An Escape" eye-acting! It's an eye-acting clinic!

I'm pretty sure Juilliard devotes a whole semester to the subject.

But let's not forget The Hoff, who manages to spend the entire first half of the movie pretending he's the lone white member of Kid-N-Play with one of those bad, neon-colored tennis/jogging outfits from the eighties...
Bailout copy 2
...with his pants pulled up entirely too high.

Originally titled WB, Blue and the Bean, the name was changed to Bail Out... presumably because they didn't want it to be confused with BJ and the Bear... a hit television show from a decade before about a monkey named Bear and a guy named BJ. (actually, I'm just guessing at that.)

Anyway... considering this film's critical and financial impact, I'm surprised that Hollywood did not team up David Hasselhoff and Linda Blair for more film magic. Although, I'm hearing a Hasselhoff/Blair remake of Gone With The Wind is in the works.

Let's keep our fingers crossed!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Bail Out...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



Robo Vampire (1987)

robovampire pic copy

Title: Robo Vampire
CinemaBandits Title: Bunny-Hopping Vampires In Gorilla Masks!

CinemaBandits Review: I have no clue what Robo Vampire is about.

I watched it...

Then, I watched it again... Nope... no idea whatsoever.

I'm not sure the writers, producers, director, or anyone (not under the influence of the "funny stuff") could tell you what this movie is about.

I suppose you could say it's a rip-off of the RoboCop films... but then, how do you explain vampires that can only move by jumping around like 6-year-olds learning the "Hokey Pokey"??!?

Well, you say, maybe it's a vampire flick then... okay, but why are they wearing rubber gorilla masks??!?

How about a jungle adventure?... then please explain the Miami Vice 'Crockett & Tubbs' drug-cartel chase scenes!

Well, it's got to be a "Robo-Dracula-Cop/Miami-Gorilla-Vice" movie, then!... Nope. You forgot the female ghost/un-dead monkey wedding ceremony about half-way through.

Yep, you read that right!

I know you're probably putting on your fancy shorts, canceling the Tupperware party you had planned, and running out to the video store right now to rent this film, but I need to warn you... this is not a female ghost/un-dead monkey RomCom either. That little love story only takes up about 15 minutes. The other hour is filled sparklers, gondola rides, and levitating chickens... & if that weren't enough, how about some memorable dialogue like "If you want a cigarette, just ask for one!" or "You don't have to be so temperamental!" or even the gripping "You should bathe more often!".

Oh yeah, it's that bafflingly good!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Robo Vampire...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



Zombie Lake (1981)

zombielake pic copy

Title: Zombie Lake
CinemaBandits Title: It's National 'Take Your Nazi-Zombie Daughter To Work' Day!

CinemaBandits Review: I like zombie movies... I imagine most guys do. So, for a movie to shoot straight up to #1 on my zombie movie list, it has to be exceptional.

Well, Zombie Lake is beyond exceptional!

Take your run-of-the-mill walking undead movie... throw in some Nazi's... add some awful dialogue and even worse zombie make-up... leave in a shot where the camera man and director are clearly visible in a mirror... use the same actors over and over again just with different bad wigs... throw in a mind-boggling out-of-place scene with a jiggly women's basketball team bouncing around to some Benny Hill music...

Well, my friend... you've just made Zombie Lake... and you've just made a cinematic masterpiece!

But it doesn't stop there!

The whole second half of the movie is dedicated to the complicated relationship between a waterlogged Nazi-Zombie and his long-lost daughter. (I'm not kidding) He even manages to give his daughter a necklace as a present and take her for casual walks around town.

I can't believe someone even thought of writing that into a script... let alone actually shooting it and putting it in a movie! But I'm sure glad they did!

A quick run-down of the plot: towards the end of WWII, a German soldier falls in love with a local French girl and they have a child. Infuriated, the French towns-folk massacre the entire German platoon and dump their bodies in the town lake. Some 35 years later, those Nazi-zombies come back and murder anyone who gets too close to the lake (which happens to be lots of nubile young women. Funny how that happens.)

One day, that long dead German soldier walks by the house where his 13 year old daughter is living and stops in for a chat. (how his daughter is only 13 years old, yet 35 years has passed, is never explained) They've got a lot of catching up to do, but she's torn... he's a flesh-eating zombie and must be killed.

What's a daughter to do??!?

Spray her zombie-father down with Napalm... and watch him burn, burn, burn!

... and then shed a tear. Touching!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (9 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Zombie Lake...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



Conquest (1983)

conquest pic copy

Title: Conquest
CinemaBandits Title: Arnold Schwarzenegger Has Awesome Laser-Arrow Skills!

CinemaBandits Review: Can a movie filled with laser-arrows really be that bad??!?

Conquest answers that age-old question... and the answer is a resounding "Yes"!

I mean, we're talkin' about frickin' laser-arrows, here! Good golly, I don't know how they could've screwed it up, but they did!

I used to dream about laser-arrows...
My name was 'Red-Dragon Man' and I was wandering the vast wasteland of 'Sabre-Cat World'. My only purpose was keeping the people free from the tyranny of the Sabre-Cats. You see, Sabre-Cats like to enslave people by making them build Sabre-Cat armor. Many people had tried to fight the Sabre-Cats, but their armor was impenetrable... except by laser-arrows (which, I alone possess)...
That was my dream... and the script for "Laser-Cat Nebula", a feature length treatment that's sitting in my filing cabinet right now.

But now, after watching Conquest, I'm beginning to wonder if any movie starring laser-arrows can be good... even mine.

Sure, in my dream-movie, the laser-arrows are used to fight space-kittys... but other than that, there's not much difference. For Instance... in Conquest, the hero runs around in leather speedos... in my dream, I run around in leather boxers (boxers are slightly longer... less chafing!).

So, even though this movie has laser-arrows AND werewolves (oh... I forgot to mention the werewolves?!?), it has turned out to be one of the greatest disappointments of my life. Not only did Conquest not live up to my expectations, but it also made me think my dream of laser-arrows and Space-Cats may be just that... a dream.

I might have to switch to ninja-ferrets.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Conquest...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



Women In Fury (1985)

WomenInFury copy

Title: Women In Fury
CinemaBandits Title: Girls (With Awesome Hair).... Behind Bars!

CinemaBandits Review: I realize that not all female criminals look as scary as Eileen Wuornos... but c'mon, this Brazilian prison seems to be populated by the models from the latest issue of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue!

Now I've seen the TV show COPS and (except for the many recent appearances by Lindsay Lohan) most criminals look like they're a couple of heartbeats away from being medical cadavers... in fact, if the only thing wrong with you is stringy hair and bad teeth, you'll probably make the COPS Best Dressed List!

But I guess, in South America, it really is a crime to "look that good"!

Angela, the newest young prisoner/super-model to be incarcerated in this Brazilian jail/modeling-agency, took the rap for killing a drug-dealer and she's put through some truly horrendous stuff when she arrives: a shower... she gets her hair done... and has some brandy with the warden!

Those sick-o's!

But just like typical supermodel behavior, the prison is filled with jealous cat-fights, eccentric fashion, prancing divas, and a be-heading or two!

And let me tell you, that's enough to make a girl lose her mind... right before her friends prove to the courts it was all just a big mistake. Angela is left wandering the streets and back alleyways of Rio de Janeiro... crazy as a loon.

What a happy ending!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Women In Fury...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:


Forbidden World (1982)

forbiddenworld pic copy

Title: Forbidden World
CinemaBandits Title: Drain-Clog Develops Self-Awareness!

CinemaBandits Review: The monster-creation budget must've been rather small for the producers of Forbidden World... I've seen scarier things snaked out of my sink!

Unless a hair-clip with eyes frightens you, you're probably not going to be scared by much in this little stinker of a movie... except, maybe, the insipid 80's soundtrack!

Colby, our intrepid intergalactic hero, is called in when a food research space lab is overrun by an angry plant. You see, Colby is a tough guy space ranger who's only called in when every other attempt to eradicate the unruly weed has failed.

And boy is he in for a heck of a fight... this is one bad fern! It's has already killed two nutritional lab assistants and a janitor!

Colby swoops in with his trusty robot sidekick (who looks like a stormtrooper from Star Wars... but sounds alot like a boy who hasn't hit puberty yet) to kick some shrubbery-butt!

For some unknown reason, he's joined by the female half of the Swedish pop-group ABBA. And, even though there's a really mean bush on the loose, they still manage to prance around in one-piece jump-suits for awhile.

See that girl, watch that scene, diggin' the dancing queen!

However, bra-less Swedes in high-heels or not, this ill-tempered seedling is havin' none of it... and soon red-tinted corn syrup & green-tinted chlorophyl starts a-flyin'!

Thanks to some space-age weapons (that look suspiciously like they were scrounged up at the local automotive repair shop) and some ingenuity, Colby is able to out-smart the depraved herb... and save half the members of ABBA!

Swedish disco lives to boogie another day!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Forbidden World...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



Wanna see the whole thing? CLICK HERE

Malibu Express (1985)

malibuexpress pic copy

Title: Malibu Express
CinemaBandits Title:Thought Eradicated, 'Magnum PI Mustache Virus' Strikes Again!

CinemaBandits Review: Take a simple Texas country boy...give him some tiny jeans and an enormous mustache...throw in a plot that even the writer's of 'Murder, She Wrote' would've found stupefying and contrived...and you got yourself Malibu Express!

Think 'Knight Rider' meets 'Baywatch'... but not quite as clever.

Our simple Texas country boy/private eye, Cody, lives on a yacht that's painted to look like a train (because his dead mother love trains... oh, and his dead father used to street-race against hillbillies... no kidding). Cody's marina landlord hires him to find out who's selling American computers to the Soviet Union...

Yes, I said "marina landlord"!!!!

Somehow, he ends up at some woman named Lady Chamberlain's Bel-Air estate... as a guest?... or maybe a servant?... (you know what?... that's just plot, and if Malibu Express proves only one thing, it's that it certainly won't let plot get in the way)

Anyway, Cody has his own unique way of solving international espionage mysteries... although, for the life of me, I can't tell you what that is... because it seemed as though, throughout the entire movie, all Cody did was act like that creepy guy at a party trying way too hard to impress the ladies!

Throw in scantily clad girls, a Ferrari or two, and feathered hair-cuts for the entire cast and, well... Malibu Express isn't going to win any awards for film making, but at least it'll entertain 13 year old boys for an hour and a half!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Malibu Express...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



Wanna see the whole thing? CLICK HERE

1990: Bronx Warriors (1982)

BronxWarriors pic copy

Title: 1990: Bronx Warriors
CinemaBandits Title: Gangs Of Flamboyant Tap-Dancers Terrorize The Future!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: Deep into the future (all the way to the year 1990), the Bronx is a lawless place. Ruled by lawless biker gangs... and the cast of the highly successful Broadway musical A Chorus Line!

Sends shivers down your spine, huh?

The police in the future (all the way to year 1990) have given up trying to contain the spontaneous outbreaks of violence... and show-tunes! So they've abandoned the Bronx and let the criminals... and Theatre majors... have their way on the mean streets of the NYC borough.

It's total anarchy... and jazz-hands... everywhere!

So when a girl, the only heir to a Defense Conglomerate, goes missing in this dangerous land, the authorities do the only logical thing... call Vic Morrow!

When Vic Morrow gets to town... Look out! He doesn't like the hoodlums... and won't stand for the show-stopping numbers. In order to find the lost girl, Vic takes out his anger on any law-breaker... or ambiguously gay thespian... who gets in his way!

And after watching this little stinker of a film, I'm convinced that if the blade from the helicopter in Twilight Zone: The Movie hadn't killed Vic Morrow's career, then this movie surely would have.

But what Vic Morrow didn't figure on was Trash... our Italian hero of the future (all the way to the year 1990). Not only does he have clean-shaven über-pecs that he proudly displays throughout the entire affair, but he manages to pull his jeans higher up his body than was previously thought to be humanly possible (so high, in fact, I'm pretty sure he's been unable to father any children since the filming!).

1990: Bronx Warriors presents us with a future (all the way to the year 1990) nobody wants to visit... except, maybe, Nathan Lane!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (8 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through 1990: Bronx Warriors...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



Wanna see the whole thing? CLICK HERE