Massacre At Central High (1976)

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Title: Massacre At Central High
It's Like Porky's... With A Little Rape And Murder Thrown In!

CinemaBandits Review: High school is an awkward time. Relating to others in an unfamiliar place can create embarrassing situations. Remember The Brady Bunch... when Greg accidentally dyed his hair orange to be more "cool"? Remember Napoleon Dynamite's embarrassing dance to win votes for class president? Remember when David slaughtered half of the senior class in Massacre At Central High?

We all have our peculiar ways of trying to fit in. David seems to like Rambo's way... kill everything in sight.

Well, if you decide that David's way of endearing himself to his teen peers is a good idea, then he gives you some great ideas on how to butcher your classmates:

You could electrocute them while they hang-glide. You could arrange a diving accident in a drained pool. You could create a killer landslide on a campsite. Or even, somehow, knock someone off with a hearing aid.

The good thing about David's serial-killer way of fitting in at school is that no parents or teachers will find the gruesome deaths odd that occur every other day. Heck, even the police won't bother to show up. Which is rather convenient considering how murdering a bunch of other people is against the law and such.

David's killing spree creates a power vacuum... Like some sort of Lord Of The Flies/Porky's thing. A couple of students become power mad. They make fun of the fat kid and beat up the librarian's assistant. But David simply bumps off those new hoodlums also. He's an undiscriminating serial killer.

How do all the other students react to so much murder and mayhem at their school? Just like you and I would... They go surfing, they have food fights, they go camping, and have a dance.

Luckily, David goes skinny dipping with one of the popular girls and can't bring himself to blowup the entire school and its visiting alumni. He sacrifices himself for the only woman to ever show him her boobs and she lives happily ever after with David's best friend.

A timeless love story.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (7 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Massacre At Central High...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

The Doll Squad (1973)

francine york doll squad
Title
: The Doll Squad
It's Like Seal Team 6 Was Staffed With Kardashians!

CinemaBandits Review: The Saturn moon rocket has been destroyed by a madman. Utter destruction of a billion dollar space program. He demands a ransom or threatens something even more devastating.

The government's most advanced computer system analyzes the circumstances and concludes that this is a job for The Doll Squad. They're a crack all-female commando uit with vast experience dealing with terrorists all over the world. And although the girls fall for the old "look over there" trick to disarm them, the super computer assures the Defense Department they are the right choice.

It readily apparent why the computer has picked these women... (One of the girls is a stripper. One of them is a karate instructor at the local YMCA. One is a librarian. One is a swim coach)... and it certainly isn't because they claim professions that only reinforce their deadly skills. I think the U.S. Government super computer is a little bit of a pervert. It seems the only prowess the women really can claim is that they look good in bikinis.

They've found out where the madman's hideout is and attack... and by "attack" I mean they run around a awful lot in one-piece jumpsuits, screaming, and only occasionally get caught... okay, they get caught ALOT. (I counted four times that just the leader gets captured... in an hour and a half)

Luckily, they have a backup plan: Blow the hideout to kingdom come with massive amounts of explosives. Why they just didn't do that at the very start, rather than run around for 45 minutes getting caught by the bad guys at every turn, is the real mystery.

Whatever... They're the anti-terrorist experts, not me.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Doll Squad...
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Island Of The Fishmen (1979)

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Title
: Island Of The Fishmen
CinemaBandits Title: Barbara Bach Bores FishGuy To Death!

CinemaBandits Review: Bucking the trend of the late 70s Star Wars craze, Italian filmmaker Sergio Martino decided to go the "fishman" route. I can't speak to Sergio's other life choices, but this one seems ill-advised. Mr. Martino didn't invent the fishman genre (see Creature Of The Black Lagoon), but he certainly ended it. I can't recall any fishdude pictures since this one. There was that Titanic film a few years back with Celine Dion, but contrary to internet rumors, Ms. Dion is not a fishwoman.

A sorry group of Italian macho men taking a Caribbean cruise together, stop at a maniacal madman's port of call. Instead of locals crowding the ship trying to sell turtle carvings... instead of sunburned tourists climbing waterfalls... instead of rows and rows of Senor Frogs and Hooters... well, we get voodoo dolls, spear-lined booby traps, the lost city of Atlantis, drug addicted fishmen, and Barbara Bach!

Lots and lots of Barbara Bach...

Which is a good thing if you like vapid stares and emotionless acting from your leading lady.

Every now and then the director throws in an angry fishman attacking some poor Italian extra. Usually, it's just a shot of a rigid fin/hand prop-thingy with claws slapping the extremely hairy chest of said Italian extra... then some blood and really badly dubbed screaming.

But, way way too quickly, we're right back to Barbara Bach and her mindless version of acting.

Believe me when I say that after about 30 minutes of watching Barbara doing her best imitation a brain dead deaf mute, you start to wish one of those fishpersons would just end her (and our) misery and murder Ms. Bach.

Unfortunately, she survives the WHOLE movie.

Your brain may not.



Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Island Of The Fishmen...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Roller Boogie (1979)

Linda Blair
Title: Roller Boogie
CinemaBandits Title: Broken Ankles and Sweaty Spandex Everywhere!

CinemaBandits Review: Thank God for Star Wars!!!

I've always loved the Star Wars original trilogy, but this movie really gives a deeper meaning to that adoration. Star Wars mania swept the nation in the late 70's. It was everywhere. Toys, posters, TV, fashion... literally, everywhere.

And thank the Lord it was!!!

For, if that crazy young filmmaker George Lucas hadn't chosen the late 70's to release that iconic film franchise, Roller Boogie would've been the movie that defined that period...

...and instead of me wearing the same Star Wars t-shirt every year for my school picture, I would've been wearing tiny little shiny spandex shorts. My grandma would still have pictures of me in my pre-pubescent hot-shorts hanging on her walls right now.

Thank you sweet Jesus!!!

Don't get me wrong here, Roller Boogie has a positive message... If you put enough girls in tight clothes into your movie, it doesn't matter how bad it is, it'll get made!

(Linda Blair must've gone through a crap-load of razors while making this film, 'cause those outfits are quite snug... in every area.)

I can't fault Ms. Blair for taking this stinky cheese-filled tortilla of a movie. She got to learn how to rollerskate to Cher disco songs. She got to go bra-less for months. She got to star in a movie with Jim Bray... Yes, that Jim Bray. The actor who went on to star in absolutely nothing else. Nothing. Ever.

And if it wasn't for that perky little Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia in that dang slave-girl outfit, we'd all have grown up with visions of Linda skating around in gold lamáy dancing in our heads. Linda Blair would've been the one that grew up a horribly-adjusted Hollywood brat who wrote a few tell-all books about her cocaine/vodka infused showbiz life.

Instead, Linda was relegated to a few appearances on Battle Of The Network Stars and prison films with David Hasselholf where her top keeps falling off.

Well, I guess that ain't so bad.



Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (7 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Roller Boogie...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Track Of The Moon Beast (1976)

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Title: Track Of The Moon Beast
CinemaBandits Title: Tyrannosaurus Rex vs The Geologists!

CinemaBandits Review: Track Of The Moon Beast is a perfect example of the classic love story.

Boy meets girl. Boy becomes a geologist. Geologist takes off shirt. Girl falls in love. Geologist buys motorcycle. Geologist takes girl to folk concert. Meteorite hits geologist in head. Geologist turns into dinosaur. Geologist killed by magic arrow.

It's a joy to see cinematic storytelling at its finest.... Unfortunately, this movie doesn't have it.

But it does have warrior geologists, a sexually confused sheriff, terry-cloth ones'ies, one-armed rednecks, Andy Gibb impersonators, and ancient indian soup recipes!

Throw in acting not seen since the glory days of As The World Turns and you've got yourself a perfect storm of crappiness!

Incredibly, having your hero be a geologist wasn't boring enough... they had to add a few supporting radiologists to move the story further along. Approximately 15 minutes or so of Track Of The Moon Beast's runtime is spent in an X-ray exam room... Approximately 2 minutes into that scene, you're already saying to yourself "Why in the hell are they still in the X-ray Exam room?!?".

But don't worry. If you are able to make it through those parts, you'll be rewarded with terrific action sequences such as digging up ancient pottery.... and engaging dialouge like "His name is Ty. Which is short for Tyrannosaurus.".... and spectacular scenery such as Albuquerque, N.M.

All in all, if you're a university professor that likes his movie with a little reptilian-kink, then this is the movie for you!


Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Track Of The Moon Beast...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Dracula, Prisoner Of Frankenstein (1972)

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Title: Dracula, Prisoner Of Frankenstein
CinemaBandits Title: Be Nice, Or Dr Frankenstein Will Tell His Mommy On You!

CinemaBandits Review: If you like watching people scream for no apparent reason... or you like vampire movies shot in Mexico... or you simply like watching a werewolf with an afro battle Frankenstein... then Dracula, Prisoner Of Frankenstein is the movie for you!

But the fun doesn't stop there....

The movie takes place in the late 19th century, yet, inexplicably, a 1960's mini-van makes a brief cameo appearance about 1/3 of the way into the film. Didn't exactly do their history homework, I guess!

The movie was shot in English... then dubbed into Spanish... then subtitled back into English. Although you might not ever notice... there's only about 20 lines of dialogue in the whole movie... which makes it fun trying to figure out just what the heck is going on!

Just prior to filming, evidently the director realized he absolutely loved the zoom feature on his camera. That crazy little bugger just can't stop zooming!

And there's so many more things to hate/love about this funky burrito of a film.

But let's take a second to mention the story (a dangerous thing to do with this type of movie!). Here it is in a Mexican-Jumping-Bean-nutshell:

Count Dracula is killed by the locals. Dr Frankenstein devises a plan to take over the world. Dr Frankenstein buys Count Dracula's castle. Dr Frankenstein brings back to life not only his monster, but also Count Dracula. Dr Frankenstein doesn't notice that 10 feet away from Count Dracula's coffin is another female vampire. The female vampire turns into a bat and flies around Dr Frankenstein. Dr Frankenstein becomes offended and gives up. The End.

I'm guessing Dr Frankenstein never heard the expression "Winner's never quit"... or even "Sticks & stones...."!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



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War Goddess (1973)

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Title: War Goddess
CinemaBandits Title: Men...What Are They Good For? Absolutely Nothin!

CinemaBandits Review: Cat-fight! Rrrrrrrrrr! Meow!

This little stinker of a movie has plenty of them. (What would you expect from an all-male Italian production of a B-movie romp from the 70's??!?)

Hopefully, if the all-female mythical Greek tribe of über-women ever really existed, they had a little more self-respect than this bunch... these Amazons act more like a sorority house gone wild than a noble matriarchal race of warriors! How can you look yourself in the mirror and call yourself an Amazon when you fight over hair-styles, fashion, and men??!?

The newly crowned Amazon Queen Antiope is on the job. She's beat all the other women in tests of strength, bravery, and skill to win the thrown... she's killed numerous men on the battlefield... she gives inspiring speeches about the virtues of the all-female society... She is one tough estrogen-filled cookie.

At least until a man winks and smiles her way.

Her rival, Princess Oreitheia, wants the crown and is willing to do whatever she can to get it... including making fun of the Queen's clothes and stealing her man! It's almost like an ancient Greek version of Desperate Housewives!

Eventually Queen Antiope wins that little tug-o-war... although, as you might expect from an all-male Italian production, she succumbs to the Greek King, becomes his concubine, and seems perfectly happy spending the rest of her days decorating the palace and shopping for new sandals.

Do not let your daughters anywhere near this film!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through War Goddess...
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Count Dracula's Great Love (1972)

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Title: Count Dracula's Great Love
CinemaBandits Title: Mexican Vampire Seeks Chica For Some Cháca Cháca!

CinemaBandits Review: What's the first thing you think of when I say "Count Dracula"???

MEXICO!!!!

Nothin' quite like a Mexican vampire movie!

Deep in the dusty deserts of Northern Mexico, also known as Transylvania, lies a sinister cása... er, castle. The Prince of The Undead, Dracula, walks it's halls night after endless night seeking the eternal life-force he craves: a girl he can call his 'old lady'... his 'home skillet'... his 'Yoko Ono'!

After all, sucking the blood of innocent peasants can be quite disassociating. So, after a night of terrorizing the villagers in a mad orgy of blood-letting, dismembering, and death, coming home to your little woman can bring a little sense of "family" to a vampire's life.

Well, this is the Dracula's lucky day. Four women happen to get stuck on the road that passes right by Count's crib.

And after meeting them, Dracula's gone gaga over one!

Sure, he'll bite the neck of the other three, but it doesn't have any meaning for him... no connection... no fulfillment... just empty lust.

What the Count really wants is a lady that shares his same passions... his Joie de Vie! (or should I say, Joie de Mort)

In Karen, our heroine, he's found his soul-mate! Who could blame him... Karen has so much to offer. There's... uh... ummm... well, there's.... no.... uh... (Alright, after watching 90 minutes of this film, I can find no redeeming qualities in Karen. Her greatest talents seem to be walking around in nighties and having a blank stare stuck on her face. Why the heck a man, who had literally hundreds of years to find a good woman, would pick this girl... well, it truly baffles me. Anyway, back to the story...)

Unfortunately, Karen ain't so hot on Dracula's plan of turning her into a living-dead concubine for all of eternity... And Dracula's so whipped by this chick, he commits suicide rather than live on without her.

Umm, hello... Why didn't he just bite her when she wasn't looking??!?

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Count Dracula's Great Love...
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Angels' Wild Women (1972)

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Title: Angels' Wild Women
CinemaBandits Title: Tommy Chong Got A Hold Of Some Bad Stuff!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: Don't let the title fool you...

Sure there's biker chicks kickin' behinds, but Angels' Wild Women is really a delicate love story.

A love story between a biker and his chick...
Between a biker and his brother...
Between a biker and his bike...
Between a biker gang and a hippie gang...

Or, wait... uh... ummm... is it a violent thriller...
Between a biker and his chick...
Between a biker and his brother...
Between a biker and his bike...
Between a biker gang and a hippie gang...

Because at some point in this mess of a script they have tender heart-felt moments with each other... then in the next moment, inexplicably, the fists start flyin'. (kinda like me and Bart, my pet monkey)

Shot on location mostly in and around Spahn's Movie Ranch, site of the infamous Manson Family, it takes a few queues from that real life event... although, in a ultra-weird-lucy-in-the-sky-with-diamonds sorta vibe, man! Climb in the back with your head in the clouds and you're gone!

Although he's the unquestioned doppelgänger of comedian Tommy Chong, the leader of the evil hippie gang is supposed to be one bad dude (even though they share the same love of mind-altering substances)! Named 'King', he's rules the Spahn Ranch with an iron fist... well, not really. But the plot might make more sense if he did.

Anyway, I suppose the filmmaker, Al Adamson, was going for the anti-hero theme for this film, ala Easy Rider or even Dirty Harry. Unfortunately, all he was able to pull off was characters so convoluted that, by the end of the film, you really don't care who lives or who dies... you're just glad it ended!
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Angels' Wild Women...
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Planet Of Dinosaurs (1978)

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Title: Planet Of Dinosaurs
CinemaBandits Title: Feathered Hair And A Big Mustache...Fun At 70's Jurassic Park!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: A crew from a crippled spaceship crashes on a foreign world.

Original stuff!

But, just imagine this crew's luck... Not only does their spacecraft almost blow-up with them in it, but they crash on a planet the has an extremely harsh climate... much like Southern California!

I half expected to see a Del Taco just around every corner!

Then there's the ravenous local alien population they have to deal with. And, might I add, deal with not very well... about every 15 minutes one of these poor souls gets eaten by a claymation dinosaur! Unfortunately, the two most enjoyable actors get eaten halfway through the movie, Harvey Baylor as Harvey Shain & Derna Wylde as his, uh-hum, secretary Derna Lee (I know... creative character naming).

Plus, as a subtext, corporate employee structure and employee rights is explored, although I'm not sure why they chose a "lost-on-an-alien-planet-with-monsters-film" as a vehicle for such a discussion.

As befitting a 70's flick, there's lots of beards, huge mustaches, hairy chests, and feathered hair going on. I was surprised to find only one person loses their shirt... although I wasn't so surprised to find out it was the man with the largest pecs this side of The Milky Way.

One scene not to be missed: the crew finds poisonous berries, makes them into a home brew, imbibes a little too much of said brew, and ends up singing 'Auld Land Syne'... presumably because there are no royalties to pay out for that song.

It's all good Dino-Survival fun!
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (8 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Planet Of Dinosaurs...
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The Alien Factor (1978)

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Title: The Alien Factor
CinemaBandits Title: Sheriff With Barry Manilow Hair Fights Evil Alien In Jeans!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: Way back in 1978, The Walt Disney Company was scouring the country for an appropriate spot for their newest amusement park EPCOT. They had narrowed the search to include only two locations... the Orlando area, right next to Disneyworld... or Perryville, a tiny hick-town in Maryland.

As we know, they chose Orlando... but not many people know why. The Alien Factor tells the true story! ALIENS IN JEANS!

Seems that these aliens, before reeking havoc on the small town of Perryville, stopped by the Gap to pick up some mid-rise boot-cut jeans... I mean, who wants to cause mayhem and terrorize townsfolk in some shiny silver latex body-suit?

How cliché!

Our hero alien, Mr. Zachary, is a complex character. At once, blending into the native hillbilly population with his ill-fitting flannel shirts and a wild-and-wooly poorly-trimmed piece of man-hair that doubles as a mustache growing willy-nilly across his upper lip... while also possessing far advanced scientific knowledge and technologies, like dart guns and audio speakers!

He dutifully races around Perryville searching for the evil aliens... aided by a sheriff so low-key you'd think he has just overdosed on Valium and screaming girls who, obviously immobilized with fear, never run from the attacking alien... they simply stand and scream (which in this movie, as it turns out, is highly effective). This troop of denim'ed-evil-alien hunters only stops to enjoy the musical stylings of a rock band who (keep in mind it's 1978... a year deep in the throws of disco) dress in the fabbest 60's attire of Nehru jackets and ascots! They're so groovy, man!

What a magical town Perryville is! I can see why Disney was considering it!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Alien Factor...
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The Doomsday Machine (1972)

doomsday pic copy

Title: The Doomsday Machine
CinemaBandits Title: Dysfunctional Co-Dependents Make Great Astronauts

CinemaBandits Reveiw: We head all the way back to 1972 for the next Funky Burrito of a movie... back to a simpler time. We knew who our enemy was.

It was the communists!

They were everywhere... In Cuba... In Vietnam... In the Soviet Union... In China!

In fact, not only did China threaten our security with the latest in elevator technology, but also threatened the entire world with a Doomsday weapon (that looked very much like a gum-ball machine)!
This evil gum-ball weapon was so frightening, that the Soviet Union joined with the top scientific minds in the U.S. to develop a contingency plan:
1) build a spaceship with enough room for La-Z-Boy recliners, desk lamps, and pink terry-cloth robes
2) pick the most emotionally unstable people you can find, make them astronauts
3) send them into space with a clip-board and a crowbar... hope for the best!

I know it sounds like a bad plan, but I assure you... Stuart J. Byrne, writer of The Doomsday Machine, spent at least 5-7 minutes researching and then formulating this plot!... And David L. Hewitt, special effects creator, spent slightly less time putting Stuart J. Byrne's vision onto the screen!

All throughout this epic journey we're offered glimpses into Byrne's creative mind... a cat-throwing super-spy (no joke)... a talking planet... and a scene where, probably for the first time ever (on film... I'm sure it happens in real life all the time), a person is killed by their own hair!

Believe me, you won't need any extra cheese for this stinky burrito!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Doomsday Machine...
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