Blood Of Dracula's Castle (1969)

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Title: Blood Of Dracula's Castle
CinemaBandits Title: Peace, Love, And Sucking Blood!

CinemaBandits Review: Dracula has retired. He's done biting young girls' necks. This is 1969... That's so not groovy, man! Dracula even changed his name so that people won't recognize him.

Of course, he hasn't quite given up on the whole "forever young" thing. He'll still imprison those young girls to drain their blood for his benefit, but he's sooo over sucking on the innocent. He simply orders his hulking servant Mango (named after the tropical fruit for some unknown reason) and butler John Carradine (you knew he was gonna show up somewhere) to round up nubile females, draw their blood intravenously, and make real Bloody Mary cocktails.

When family friend Johnny Davenport comes to visit, it's a heartfelt reunion of psychopaths. You see, it seems Johnny Davenport can't control himself when the moon becomes full. He's compelled to kill. He must be a werewolf, you say? Nope. Nary a hair to be found on this guy. That would make sense. He just really likes full moons.

Unfortunately, Dracula never bothered to change the name on the lease for his castle and now the new owners are dispossessing him and his wife.

That's the story. No, really.

Listen, the poor housing market affects us all. Prince Of Darkness or not, there's a lesson to be learned here.

All of this action takes place in, like, 4 rooms... this film won't win any beauty awards for panoramic shots (despite being shot by legendary cinematographer Lazlo Kovacs). Although, inexplicably, the first scene, where a glamorous model poses for a photo-shoot among walruses and pilot whales, takes place in the now defunct Marineland in California. We even get to ride up AND down the Marineland Observation Tower... cause that's frightening and belongs in a vampire film, I guess.

But really, in some weird way, it does belong. Because nothing in this movie makes any sense.


Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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The Astro-Zombies (1968)

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Title: The Astro-Zombies
CinemaBandits Title: The Russians Are After Our Zombie Technology!

CinemaBandits Review: I'm not sure what was going on at the CIA in the 1960's.

They tried to topple Fidel Castro with The Bay Of Pigs... they also tried mind-controlling the hippies with LSD... and now, I've come to find out after watching The Astro-Zombies, they tried to send zombies to the moon with John Carradine!

Evidently, back during the early years of the space race, there were two schools of thought:

1) use highly trained, extremely smart astronauts to guide billion-dollar spacecraft to the moon.

-or-

2) use zombies.

Thank God #1 prevailed! Or instead of Neil Armstrong's famous "One small step for man..." as the first words from the moon, we might have had mindless groans and moans. Instead of the iconic images of Buzz Aldrin planting the American flag on the surface of the moon, we might have had aimless wandering and shouts for "Brains!".

But I will give credit where credit is due... at least the CIA dressed all their Astro-Zombies in smart looking sport-jackets!

And, interestingly enough, they also installed solar-panels on all of the zombie-astronauts' foreheads.

The CIA were being responsible citizens of Mother Earth and invested heavily in "green" technology for their zombies. In fact, they've inspired me to become more environmentally accountable... the next time I create a crazed werewolf, I will only wash him with a phosphate-free shampoo that isn't tested on animals.

Somehow the Russians find out about this awesomely advanced American space-zombie technology and decide to send a Mexican pimp and a Russ Meyer girl to try to steal it (because everybody knows giant-bosomed girls in skin-tight dresses with huge fake eyelashes make the best spies!).

Their plan doesn't work... our zombie space program stays years ahead of the Russians... and we win the Cold War!

That's how it happened... Look it up!


Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Kong Island (1968)

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Title: Kong Island
CinemaBandits Title: Super-Monkeys Are Stealing Our Women!

CinemaBandits Review: What if you could control a monkey? I don't mean just a trained monkey, but a monkey that would do exactly what you tell him to do!

Here's what I would do....

I'd have that monkey dress up in a cowboy outfit complete with a 10-gallon hat.... ride around on a miniature pony with guns a'blazin'.... and invite my friends over to see Chuckles - The Hairiest Outlaw This Side Of The Pecos River!

That's what I'd do.

But the mad scientist in Kong Island had other plans.

Seems he stumbled upon a way to remotely control a living being by transmitting radio signals to a surgically implanted receiver in the subjects skull! He's experimented on a family of gorillas, and it was such a resounding success, that he plans on implementing this procedure on every single person on the planet so that he can be rich and powerful! Ha Ha Haaa!

What a great idea, Mr. evil-genius!

Just a couple of flaws I noticed in that perfect plan....

1) - He's going to have to capture and then operate on every single person on Earth... that might take a while.
2) - If each operation costs $10 dollars (I might be a bit low on that estimate), it's gonna cost roughly $65 billion dollars.

I'm not sure he completely thought through this whole "take-over-the-world-and-get-rich" idea.

The hero (inappropriately named "Bert") finds out about this little plan and goes traipsing about the jungles of Africa (I'm assuming the writers decided the African continent was just a really big island.... hence, the title of this stinky burrito of a movie) looking for the evil Doctor. Along the way, he finds a groovy disco, enjoys quite a few fine cigarettes, baths in a tropical waterfall, seduces a wild half-naked Italian lady who runs around with a chimpanzee side-kick, and wrestles men in loin cloths!

How did they pack that much action into 92 minutes, you ask??!?

They didn't!

They packed that into about 20 minutes.... the other 72 minutes is stock footage of African wildlife.

Lions and tigers and men in monkey-suits... Oh my!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Hercules In New York (1969)

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Title: Hercules In New York
CinemaBandits Title: Schwarzenegger Finds A Life Partner!

CinemaBandits Review: Arnold Schwarzenegger travels to America because he is bored with his homeland. He finds a rather dainty little tender fellow, moves in with him, and explores all sorts of new and exciting lifestyles.

No, not the auto-biographical account of the former Governor of California... but the plot of the truly upsurd movie Hercules In New York.

Seems Hercules, played by the phonetically challenged Schwarzenegger, is a randy young man who wants to experience the life of us ordinary folk. So he travels to New York, takes off his shirt, runs around beating things up, grunts alot, becomes a movie star, marries a Kennedy, and has a love-child with his Spanish maid!

Amazing how art imitates life, huh??!?

Anyway, the message of Hercules In New York... what the filmmakers were really trying to say (as far as I can tell), is that it's okay to be yourself. It's okay to question your identity and experiment, to feel fabulous in tight pants, to be a muscle-bound Greek who shaves his chest... It's okay! You'll find love anyway!

That love may be with a soft little pretzel salesman, but that shouldn't affect you... Be proud & be loud, because deep down inside... we're all the sons of Zeus!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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The Lost Continent (1968)

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Title: Lost Continent
CinemaBandits Title: Giant Crabs Infest The Love Boat!

CinemaBandits Review: I'm not sure why I'm reviewing this film... it's kinda good!

Sure, there's bad acting... and a script that, at times, makes no sense... and a giant crab, that looks like an inflatable pool toy, tries to reek havoc on unsuspecting women... and, even though this movie takes place in the sixties, for some odd reason a 12 year old prince from 14th century Spain is the villain.

Hold on... I guess I do know why I'm reviewing this film.

Anyway, the movie starts out with a ship full of tons of some sort of phosphorous compound... which, when it comes into contact with water, becomes highly combustible. Well, wouldn't you know it, a hurricane descends right down upon this ship with it's explosive cargo. Everybody jumps into lifeboats and, for the next 20 minutes of the movie, it becomes a stranded-at-sea story of survival.

On the lifeboat, they fight hunger. They fight thirst. They fight sharks. They even fight each other. There's romance between the captain and a passenger. There's unresolved resentment between a father and daughter. There's a drunk who can't stop putting the whole lifeboat in danger. Wow!

Unfortunately, none of this has anything to do with the rest of the movie! After a while, they simply float right back to the ship again and carry on as if nothing happened!!!

Then hungry green seaweed surrounds the ship and eats a passenger or two... a giant crab shows up and eats a few more passengers... and Spanish conquistadors show up and kill even more... It's almost as bad as a 3 day Carnival Cruise visiting Ensenada!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Yongary, Monster From The Deep (1967)

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Title: Yongary, Monster From The Deep
CinemaBandits Title: Godzilla Enjoys The Tijuana Brass & Long Walks On The Beach!

CinemaBandits Review: When former President Bush announced the 'Axis Of Evil' members included Iraq, Iran, and North Korea...well, I was a little skeptical.

I mean, how could North Korea be included on such a notorious list when their president, Kim Jong IL, looks like a good-hearted geriatric lesbian:

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However, after watching Yongary, Monster From The Deep, it makes perfect sense!

The Koreans are a menace... exploding nuclear bombs, inventing itch-lasers, releasing giant fire-breathing lizards (although, to be fair, Japan is way ahead in the 100ft-reptiles-hell-bent-on-wrecking-perfectly-good-models category), and kimchi... what the heck is in that stuff??!?

Well, this time the Koreans unleash Yongary. He's a lean mean laser-tootin' machine who loves to get jiggy with it whenever he hears a good tune. Unfortunately, iPods just don't come in his size and he's a little perturbed about it! Yongary is taking it out on all of Korea!

Luckily for the Asian nation, they've enlisted an 8-year old boy as a scientific/govermental advisor. And as soon as he cleans his room, he'll be able to explain the perfect plan he's come up with for the eradication of Yongary... (although, if he doesn't finish his vegetables, he's going to bed early, mister!)

Unfortunately, the boy's plan turns out to be one of the creepiest moments in all of B-movie-dom: As the giant Yongary lays dying a really slow agonizing death (he twitches and moans), the "heroes" of our movie explain how innocent he truly was and how Yongary just happened to get in the way... Then gleefully laugh as they fly off in a helicopter... as if they've just watched a circus clown, instead of a death. Uhgggg!

Maybe that's another reason to despise the N. Koreans.... their utter lack of empathy!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster (1965)

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Title: Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster
CinemaBandits Title: Those Earth Women-Folk Sure Is Pretty!

CinemaBandits Review: Mars has a little problem.

They've gone and had a nuclear war.

Seems as though our sister planet has the same issues we do... Men in positions of power use violence to try to solve problems, which eventually results in a world-wide conflagration... a nuclear war!... making their planet uninhabitable.

Oh... and they done ain't got no women there, neither!

So, the last remaining Martians have travelled to Earth to gather up our females... presumably because they've received TV signals of the Oprah Show and thought to themselves "I gots to get me some of that!".

Makes perfect sense so far, huh?

Unfortunately, the name of the movie, Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster, implies there's gonna be a 'Frankenstein' somewhere in the movie. The writers must have brought this little point to the attention of the director because, for a reason I still can't understand, a whole other plot surfaces suddenly. This one has a NASA cyborg landing on Puerto Rico and terrorizing that tropical paradise by crashing dance-party's, and running around the beaches killing local coconut farmers!

And if there's one thing you don't do in Puerto Rico, it's screw with the coconut farmers........ or eat tacos from a street vendor!

No way, Jośe!

Soon the entire Puerto Rican army (which consists entirely of 1 General, 2 Jeeps, a few corporals, and lots of stock footage) is on the move. And they don't care if you're from another planet or if you're a horribly malfunctioning human robot... they're kickin' some butt and takin' some names!

Well, needless to say, the Martians and that NASA robot-thingy picked the wrong unincorporated territory of the United States to mess with.

Both the coconut farmers and the gentler sex are saved!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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The Blood Of Fu Manchu (1968)

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Title: The Blood Of Fu Manchu
CinemaBandits Title: Chinese Manufactured Lipstick Filled With Lead...Killer Kisses!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: Let's say you're an astronomically wealthy Chinese warlord. And let's say you have enemies all over the world, who you desperately want to kill. And let's also say you have about 200 or so ninjas working for you.

What would you do?

Send out teams of ninja assassins to covertly hunt your enemies down and kill them?
Nope.

Hire mercenaries to do your dirty work for you?
Nope. Try again.

Open a Chinese sweat-shop factory...force your ninjas to make defective Nike sneakers...sell those Nike sneakers to your enemies...and maniacally laugh as they develop annoying foot pains?
Nope... But you're getting close!

How about moving your whole ninja posse to the jungles of South America, setting up a high-tech terrorist hide-out in the biggest cave this side of Oprah's house, kidnap some women, infect them with a poison which kills men only when kissed, and then send them out hoping they can get funky with your enemies?

Yep. That's what you'd do.

You wonder how Fu Manchu became so successful as a villain coming up with needlessly complicated schemes for world domination like that! Well, he did, nonetheless.

But the real fun comes from the mad Oriental Fu Manchu being chased by stuffy Englishmen, Mexican bandits, corrupt government officials, a highly emotional woman who likes to dress up in kid's cowboy hats, and an Indiana Jones look-a-like from Holland who sweats profusely.

Needless to say, Fu Manchu's plan fails... but not before he escapes!

(Probably so that he may come up with an even more outrageously stupid world domination plan in the next movie!)
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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It's Alive! (1969)

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Title: It's Alive!
CinemaBandits Title: It May Be Alive... But I'm Not Sure It's In The Movie!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: Oh boy! It's Alive is one stinky bean burrito of a movie.
A pre-historic giant frog-monster lives!

I think...

It certainly isn't the star of this movie. It gets about 10 seconds of face time... out of a one hour and twenty minute film. But that's long enough to figure out it's a frog... er... no, it's a lizard... uh... maybe a green gold-fish... I don't know. But it's got huge fangs and big ol' buggy eyes and according to Professor Wayne Thomas, the film's heroic paleontologist, there used to be hundreds of them roaming the Ozark Mountains. (as if I needed another reason not to visit Arkansas)

This "Jack-Elam-Eyed" creature has been captured by Greely, a man spurned by the Arkansas Department of Transportation, and he's hell-bent on taking out his mass-transit frustration on any stranger that happens upon his farmhouse.

That's the plot... honest!

And it rambles on for half the movie until, for some unknown reason, the film suddenly turns into a silent-movie. People running around mouthing words that aren't heard, while a completely inappropriate musical score plays. No kidding! I'm guessing director Larry Buchanan wanted to give the audience a sleepy-time-snooze-break so they could make it through the second half onslaught of this train-wreck.

Unfortunately, after 20 minutes of silent-movie time, it returns to a talkie... hardly enough time for a good nap!

I'm not sure what is going on with It's Alive, but I do know this... if this film were shown to prisoners of war, it would violate every law of the Geneva Convention.

I'm giving this a 2 Funky Burritos rating... only because I'm confident somebody somewhere has made something worse. Although, at this point, I can't imagine it.
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4 (2 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Who Cares? (1968)

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Title: Who Cares?
CinemaBandits Title: Being A Drummer Is Way Cooler Than Not Being A Drummer!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: I don't know about you, but when I was in school I used to love educational film day! The teacher breaking out the projector, loading up the film reel, dimming the lights, and listening to the projector's familiar tap-tap-tap sound as it spun those reels. Well, today I'm reviewing one of those little gems... Who Cares?

The film dramatizes a story about a little boy who would rarely smile and was always grouchy because he felt he was not liked. Tells how his classmates discovered he was a fine musician and helped him to realize that others did care for him after all.

Well, that's the official synopsis...

But really this short film just reinforces the known truth... Rockstars rule!

Now, I'm not saying I agree with that, but I'm guessing there is some measure of truth to it. How else to explain the 80's band Warrant??!?

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Seems the subject of this movie, Charles, is ridiculed by everyone in his life... his family, his classmates, his teachers, even complete strangers. That is, until Charles shows them he can rock out on the drums! Suddenly, everyone loves Charles... everyone wants Charles to be their friend!

I'm not bitter.

Just cause I never learned an instrument... just cause other kids would point and laugh at me because I could spell "cornucopia". I mean, really... just cause a man in his 30's still lives at home, videotapes Star Trek: The Next Generation daily, practices his nun-chuck skills, dreams of meeting a real-life dragon, and doesn't play in a band... I suppose he's not as cool as a Rockstar??!?
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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White Comanche (1968)

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Title: White Comanche
CinemaBandits Title: Capt. Kirk Just Says 'No' To Peyote!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: White Comanche is right... more like Extremely Pale White Comanche! Could the director have picked a more 'white' dude than William Shatner to play an Indian??!?

Capt. Kirk, in all his Northern European'ness, pulls double duty in this stinky burrito. He plays both Notah and Johnny Moon... twin American Indians separated by the love of the peyote.

Seems Notah Moon (bad Shatner) is addicted to the stuff and can't stop murdering people. Which is a real drag to his brother Johnny Moon (good Shatner)... he keeps getting blamed for it. Well, Johnny has had it... telling his twin brother to meet in the town of Hondo for a showdown!

Unfortunately, the producers must have run out of money by the end, because the much anticipated showdown never really happens. A couple of Shatners ride by each other... there's a squirt of blood... one falls off... the end.

But none of that matters!

The truly memorial moments from White Comanche are delivered by William Shatner himself... in all his understated acting glory! Imagine the cinematic conflict, if you can, of good Shatner in a cowboy hat staring into a mirror... only to see bad Shatner in war paint staring back! They say conflict 'drives' plot. If that's true... this plot just won the Indianapolis 500, baby!

Imagine stupefying lines of dialogue delivered by Shatner like "His liver is white like his Yankee father. His heart burns blacker than the skin of his Comanche mother. His white belly, like his name, a snake.".

What the heck does that mean??!?

Who cares!

It's William Shatner saying it... and then he pulls out a gun and shoots some people.
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4 (2 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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