Queen Of Outer Space (1958)

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Title: Queen Of Outer Space
CinemaBandits Title: Planet Venus... Global Warming (& Estrogen) Gone Wild!

CinemaBandits Review: All of our leading scientists assured us that the planet Venus was uninhabited... that the green-house effect had run wild there and had made the atmosphere toxic. The temperature on the surface, our scientists have asserted, is so hot it would melt lead.

Turns out... all our scientists were wrong!

Venus is inhabited, the atmosphere isn't toxic, and the temperature is only hot enough to burn through a woman's skirt somewhere above her knee!

You see, Venus is inhabited by women. Only women. Only women wearing mini-skirts.

Now, normally, I would find this a good thing.

However, these women are a tad pee'd off at men. Seems that many years ago, the men of Venus started a nuclear war which killed off all the men and disfigured many of the women.

That can be a problem with us men. We like big explosions... we like to blow stuff up... including ourselves.

Women... if I may speak for all men... We're Sorry! We don't mean to cause Armageddon. We simply like to hear a big "boom"! Sometimes it gets a little carried away, but we can't help ourselves... we're men! Once, many years ago, I was in charge of props for a play. The play called for a small flash of smoke. The director told me to use a quarter teaspoon of black-powder wrapped in some flash paper...

...and for the FIRST performance, I did. However, I'm a man... and if a quarter teaspoon of black-powder is good... then 2 tablespoons of black powder is better!

To make a long story short, I unleashed Dante's Inferno onto the stage that night... and sent a girl to the hospital (her pantyhose melted to her leg). She recovered and I was quickly relieved of my bomb-making duties.

Did I feel bad? You bet I did!... Would I ever do it again? Probably!

I'm a man! I'm sorry!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Man Beast (1956)

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Title: Man Beast
CinemaBandits Title: 'Abominable Snowman' Thinks Name Unfair, Prefers 'Adorable Snowman'!

CinemaBandits Review: The Yeti exist!

Whatever you want to call them... Bigfoot, Abominable Snowmen, Sasquatch, Skunk Ape or, my personal favorite, Devil Monkey... they make this world just a little more exciting. I like believing that at any time when I'm hiking through the forests or swamps of rural America, I might stumble upon a 10ft tall monkey-man guarding his berry-patch!

Besides, if you can't believe all those witnesses... those backwoods toothless hillbillys who, in their spare time, dress stuffed squirrels as the 12 Apostles and re-enact the Last Supper... then who can you believe??!?

Man Beast, however, does not serve the legend very well.

The movie implies the Yeti are an easily frightened, not very smart, under-evolved species with really bad hair. You try washing and styling foot-long hair that covers your entire body every single day!

Their monthly shampoo expense alone must be a budget breaker!

But what really gets me about Man Beast is that it portrays the Yeti as evil.

C'mon! Who was behind the 9/11 attacks? Humans! Who was responsible for WWII concentration camps? Humans! Who invented disco? Humans!

And where was the Yeti during all these horrific events? Out in the woods, simply lookin' for nice hole in the ground to do his business in!

Hardly evil.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Man Beast...
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Prince Of Space (1959)

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Title: Prince Of Space
CinemaBandits Title: Chicken-Men From Outer Space!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: A group of about 8 chicken-men from the planet Krankor plan to take over the world (I'm guessing they slightly underestimated the population of Earth). Led by the head-rooster himself... The Phantom of Krankor!

Evidently, they heard about the fabulous success of El Pollo Loco restaurants and came to earth wanting a good explanation... not getting a satisfactory response, this gaggle of chicken-men plan to conquer the world and change the name to all 'El Pollo Loco' fast-food joints to 'El Pollo Magnifico'!

Unfortunately for the Phantom Chicken Of Krankor and his hens, our hero, the Prince of Space, absolutely loves the pollo fajitas... and is not about to let this flock of Krankor poultry ruin a good thing.

Aided by a couple of Japanese children, Prince of Space is able to withstand all the terrifying weapons the Krankor chickens throw at him... like death rays and smelly vapor! And let me tell you, I've been around some chicken that's sat out in the sun too long... that's some smelly chicken!

Prince of Space is an amazing super-hero, complete with a space-ray umbrella, a space-car that resembles a public toilet, and an ill-fitting space-unitard with cape.

But despite these flaws, Prince of Space is just what the quick-service food industry needed to save it from evil dictator chickens from outer space!

Although I've yet to figure out why Prince of Space chooses to dress up like famed post-impressionist artist Toulouse-Lautrec and shine shoes...
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (7 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Prince Of Space...
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Monster On The Campus (1958)

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Title: Monster On The Campus
CinemaBandits Title: Tonight's Special: Monster Fish Surprise!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: An extinct giant fish is infecting a small college town with mutant genes!

That's the last time I ever order the Red Lobster Catch-Of-The-Day. I'm stickin' with the clam chowder from now on.

I suppose this was bound to happen... the way we pollute the oceans. Every so often, a mutated fish (or 200 foot tall, fire-breathing lizard) pops out of the seas and takes it's revenge against the evil education system (or Japanese).

This nasty fish doesn't even have to be alive to reek havoc on Dunsfield University. Somehow, someway, this evil fillet of sea-meat manages to kill 3 people before the good Dr. Blake can figure out what's going on.

Played by the Simpsons'ized Troy Donahue, the college hunk Jimmy Flanders has a dog... and that poor pooch is the first victim... but not the last.

Even though he employs rigorous, thorough safety procedures when handling dead animal carcasses (i.e. wearing a lab coat... smoking a pipe... injected himself with it's blood... and other time-tested CDC approved procedures), Dr. Blake, inexplicably, also becomes infected.

Once Dr. Blake realizes he's become infected with a deadly and dangerous virus that causes him to murder those around him, he does what any well-educated, highly-respected individual would do... he invites his girlfriend and her family to a cabin in the woods and infects himself again.

Makes perfect sense!
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Monster On The Campus...
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Battle In Outer Space (1959)

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Title: Battle In Outer Space
CinemaBandits Title: It's The Oscar Mayer Wiener-Mobile To The Rescue!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: The Japanese must really love their hot-dogs! You see, in Battle In Outer Space, not only does the Asian island nation send a crack commando unit to the moon to fight off an invading army from the Planet Netal... but they send not just one, but two Oscar Mayer Wiener-Mobiles in for the attack!

Things do not go well on the moon... they lose one Wiener-Mobile!

However, they do manage to save the other one... which is very good news for all us who run and excitedly scream like little girls when we see the frankfurter-on-wheels in our neighborhood.

I am not sure where the Japanese learned to love the little hot-dog.

I realize that after World War II, most of Japan developed a kind of "cult of personality" for anything American... like baseball, modern technology, and the "pull-my-finger" joke. But why hot-dogs? They certaily don't taste good with soy-sauce on them... nor does the thought of a wiener sushi roll sound appetizing... but those little Japanese fellows took to hot-dogs anyway!

All-in-all, the movie is plain good ol' fun, complete with everything a good Japanese sci-fi movie needs... flying-saucers, cute kids, aliens from distant galaxies who remarkably speak English, and evil Iranian dictators!
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (7 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Battle In Outer Space...
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Giant From The Unknown (1958)

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Title: Giant Of The Unknown
CinemaBandits Title: Giant Conquistadors Have Giant Helmets!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: There's a giant dead Spanish conquistador roaming the sleepy resort town of Pine Ridge... and he's desperately looking for a shower! Brought back to life by an electrical storm, the newly reanimated Spaniard named Vargas, or El Diablo Giant, instead finds chickens, women, and scientists!

After being dead for 500 years, I'm guessing he makes some fajitas out of the chickens (he's hungry), has a fiesta with the women (he's lonely), but I have no idea what he's gonna do with the scientists.

Once the townsfolk find out about the undead giant terrorizing their woman and chickens, they react the way we all do when something we don't understand confuses and frightens us... they attack and try to kill it. Evidently, back in 1958, there were no 'Undead Conquistador Awareness' classes available to the people of Pine Ridge. In their ignorance, they run around spewing hate and violence towards El Diablo Giant like a bunch of undead-o-phob bigots!

Where's an Oprah TV Special that raises zombie-awareness when you need it?!?

They eventually succeed in trapping the evil giant, but not before he assaults Charlie Brown (the pimply-faced town teenager), Parker (the town's sheriff), and Indian Joe (the town's -- you guessed it -- Indian). Although I'm sure that if the townsfolk of Pine Ridge had bothered to just get to know Vargas The Giant Devil, they would have found out that he's not so different than themselves... and this whole mess could've been avoided!

Let's all have a zombie fiesta!
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Giant Of The Unknown...
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Night Of The Ghouls (1959)


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Title: Night Of The Ghouls
CinemaBandits Title: LAPD - "Hey, I Think My Gun-Thingy Went Off Again!"

CinemaBandits Review: A sinister plot is afoot deep in the wilderness surrounding Los Angeles! What's that you say... There is no wilderness surrounding Los Angeles?!?
Well, I'm afraid you're going to need to suspend a little more disbelief in order to watch this bad burrito from legendary director Ed Wood.

The movie centers around the LAPD's investigation of a corrupt 'medium'. I know... I know... A corrupt 'medium'? How can that be?!? You see, back in the 50's, Hollywood was not the socially responsible entity it is today. It regularly sensationalized some of the finest, most respectable lines of work... just to make a buck. Thank the Lord those days are behind us. Although, it probably took years for the 'medium' profession to regain the high reputation it enjoys today.

But the real subject of this celluloid masterpiece is the LAPD and it's operational procedures: Not knowing how to shoot a gun... Peeking over the dash of your squad car... Being frightened out of your pants by ghosts... Really, as far as I can tell, the LAPD brass got a hold of every episode of The Andy Griffith Show... studied Barney Fife's technique... and then wrote the LAPD's handbook for new recruits.

You know, it's eery... If you were to substitute the name "OJ Simpson" everywhere it said "Dr. Acula" in the script, you'd have the whole OJ fiasco all over again... right down to the mishandling of the DNA! (except, of course, in the movie the DNA is represented by a super-scary flying trumpet) The similarities are unnerving.

Ed Wood's Plan 9 From Outer Space, big brother to this red-haired stepchild, may get all the pub... but don't be fooled. This stinky burrito is a classic.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Night Of The Ghouls...
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