The Devil's Sword (1984)

DevilSword
Title: The Devil's Sword
What The Hell Is Going On In This Movie??!

CinemaBandits Review: The Devil's Sword is one hour and 41 minutes long... and I had absolutely no idea what was going on for approximately one hour and 40 minutes of the movie. The credits made sense. Then, complete and utter bewilderment. A truly astoundingly baffling movie that's beyond any mortal's ability to explain.

But here's my attempt...

Best I can tell, an evil underwater queen, who commands an alligator-man army, wants to be romanced by all the local boys. And when I say all, I mean all... Every single one of them. This really makes all the new brides rather jealous. So she decides to find a sword to control all the warriors of the planet... The Devil's Sword. But only one good warrior knows where this sword is. He enlists the help of a female peasant who takes him for a boat ride with the angel of death. The evil alligator queen decides to kill the good warrior. She hires four bad warriors to do it... One is an old lady, one is bald, one has a killer mustache, and one is her boy-toy. But before they can find him, they meet at the secret hiding place of The Devil's Sword (somehow they found it) where they dig holes, hold hands, give piggy-back rides, get their heads stuck in cliff rocks, and fight one-eyed rock-monsters.

...oh, then there's that 10 minute orgy.

I swear to the God, I made none of that up.

But after all that, you know what is the most mystifying part of this completely senseless, over-the-top mess of a movie?

It is a thoroughly enjoyable film.

At the end of it all, after all the insane dialogue, after all the comical martial arts fight sequences, after all the childish sound effects, and after all the severed body parts filled with ketchup squirting everywhere... after all that, you'll be entertained.

Absolutely entertained.

I have no idea if the filmmakers were going for a deep character driven piece of art or a in-depth spiritual soul searching odyssey. But what they succeeded in delivering is an hour and a half of wildly silly entertainment.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (8 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Devil's Sword...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Blood Games (1990)

bloodgames pic copy copy
Title: Blood Games
Hee-Haw - The Director's Cut

CinemaBandits Review: I've never heard of professional traveling baseball clubs that travel from town to town. Never mind professional traveling baseball clubs that travel from town to town filled with feminism activists...Or professional traveling baseball clubs that travel from town to town filled with feminism activists with elite survival skills... Or professional traveling baseball clubs that travel from town to town filled with feminism activists with elite survival skills that are swimsuits supermodels.

But, evidently, they're big in the backwoods of the south... popular at bar-mitzvahs and birthday parties.

So when a local father hires the BallGirls traveling baseball club for his son's birthday party, he expected a fun-filled afternoon. A sunny day with America's pastime played by some scantily clad young women.

Oh sure, a few of the boys might flirt a little with the girls. Perhaps a teasing remark. Maybe a playful pat on the derièrre. Possibly ripping off some clothes and angrily forcing themselves upon the lady ballplayers.

Yeah, things got way out of hand.

Well, before you know it, it's all World War III between the ultra sweaty degenerate hillbillies and the ubër Rambo'esque b-ball girls. Lots and lots of scenes with bloody jerseys stained by tobacco spit.

Inexplicably, it took five writers to concoct this story... and they made a mess of it. For example, the bar scene at the beginning has the phrase "I want more popcorn!" or "More popcorn!" or "Popcorn!" (or some variation of that) spoken by the bad guys about 25 times. Guessing that with each new draft, each new writer felt the scene didn't have enough "popcorn" dialogue... Got to have more "popcorn"! Subsequently, the major character trait for the antagonists of this movie is that they really, really frickin love popcorn.

It's essentially a women's lib movie with lots of anti-man sentiment yelled by topless baseball players. And popcorn.

If you're into that sorta thing, you'll love it.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Blood Games...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Massacre At Central High (1976)

MassacreHigh1
Title: Massacre At Central High
It's Like Porky's... With A Little Rape And Murder Thrown In!

CinemaBandits Review: High school is an awkward time. Relating to others in an unfamiliar place can create embarrassing situations. Remember The Brady Bunch... when Greg accidentally dyed his hair orange to be more "cool"? Remember Napoleon Dynamite's embarrassing dance to win votes for class president? Remember when David slaughtered half of the senior class in Massacre At Central High?

We all have our peculiar ways of trying to fit in. David seems to like Rambo's way... kill everything in sight.

Well, if you decide that David's way of endearing himself to his teen peers is a good idea, then he gives you some great ideas on how to butcher your classmates:

You could electrocute them while they hang-glide. You could arrange a diving accident in a drained pool. You could create a killer landslide on a campsite. Or even, somehow, knock someone off with a hearing aid.

The good thing about David's serial-killer way of fitting in at school is that no parents or teachers will find the gruesome deaths odd that occur every other day. Heck, even the police won't bother to show up. Which is rather convenient considering how murdering a bunch of other people is against the law and such.

David's killing spree creates a power vacuum... Like some sort of Lord Of The Flies/Porky's thing. A couple of students become power mad. They make fun of the fat kid and beat up the librarian's assistant. But David simply bumps off those new hoodlums also. He's an undiscriminating serial killer.

How do all the other students react to so much murder and mayhem at their school? Just like you and I would... They go surfing, they have food fights, they go camping, and have a dance.

Luckily, David goes skinny dipping with one of the popular girls and can't bring himself to blowup the entire school and its visiting alumni. He sacrifices himself for the only woman to ever show him her boobs and she lives happily ever after with David's best friend.

A timeless love story.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (7 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Massacre At Central High...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

The Divine Enforcer (1992)

DivineEnforcer1
Title: The Divine Enforcer
Blessed Are The Peacemakers... And Those Who Kick Butt!

CinemaBandits Review: Okay, so the last two films featured here star a Landers sister. Fine. I admit it. I'm going through a Love Boat/Fantasy Island phase. I just can't get enough of those stars of yesteryear camping it up in some silly stories.

The Divine Enforcer is one of the silliest. A psychic priest vigilante uses his confessional to get tips for hunting down and killing mean criminals. He goes after a drug dealer, a strip club owner, some rapists, a serial killer, and a teenage Madonna pop-star wannabe.

There's some B-movie royalty floating around this movie... Jim Brown, Jan-Michael Vincent, Erik Estrada (who's name is misspelled in the credits not just one time, but twice)

Seventy-five percent of this movie takes place at a dining table while Mr. Eric Estrada smokes a pipe, Mr. Jan-Michael Vincent reads his lines from a script hidden behind a newspaper, and the psychic priest eats hash browns served by Judy Landers... How could it possibly go wrong?

Well, it does. The psychic priest is played by Michael Foley. Mr. Foley has only two ways to say a line... mad & melodramatic or quiet & unintelligible. He alternates them to show range of character, I guess. But all it really does is make half the dialogue incomprehensible. Hence, you find yourself asking "What the hell is going on?" about half the time.

However, I have a sneaky feeling you'd be asking yourself that even if you could hear every bit of dialogue from this screenplay perfectly.

There is plenty of things stuffed in this movie to enjoy also... People shot by cross-emblazoned pistols... People stabbed by crucifix-shaped daggers... People karate-chopped by their spiritual leaders.

...and there's nearly three scenes where someone doesn't look directly at the camera.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Divine Enforcer...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Deadly Twins (1985)

deadlytwins
Title
: Deadly Trigger
The Best (& Only) Death-By-Carwash Scene Ever Seen In Film!

CinemaBandits Review: Deadly Trigger is a masterpiece. A hidden achievement buried on a VHS tape at the back of someone's storage unit.

It was also released under the title Deadly Twins presumably because it stars the Landers Sisters. The fact that they are not twins doesn't seem to get in the way of the one (and only) time director Joe Oaks... nor does any other piece of common sense.

But as the old saying goes "the star that burns brightest, also burns the fastest".

Director Joe Oaks never went on to do anything else. Nothing at all. Which is sad for folks like me. His acumen for dialogue, for plot, for coaxing nuance of character depth from his stars... well, it's not present. He seems to lack in every quality that would make a director.

But, by golly, he made such a fantastically horrible movie, I sure do wish he'd persevered and helmed a few other train wrecks. Unfortunately, now one can only imagine what heights of cinematic strangeness he would've achieved.

Mr. Oaks managed to get a nonsensical script, two of the dullest stars, give them inane dialogue, and film them doing grade school play stunts... and then get the result distributed to movie theaters.

There's a "death by car wash" scene, for god's sake. Some poor extra gets foam-soaped, rinsed, and waxed to death!

But when it all comes together, boy is it something wondrous... Something to be celebrated... Something fancy and delicious... Like a giant grotesque Landers Sisters sundae with a cherry on top.

Ms. Audrey Landers is the true star of this film. Her sister Judy manages to get star billing even though for roughly two-thirds of the movie she is unconscious. In her defense, for two-thirds of the movie Audrey isn't unconscious, but you might not notice the difference. Once again, Director Joe Oaks seems to have decided that every character in the film should sound near catatonic and deliver lines in the most awkward intonation possible. Love scenes become embarrassingly clumsy... but hilariously inept. Action scenes present about as much drama as an episode of The Brady Bunch.

Forget all the criticism I've just leveled at this film. Go put on a biohazard suit and get to digging in the dark, disgusting recesses of your aunt's garage for her copy of Deadly Trigger.

You'll thank me when you find it!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (9 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Deadly Trigger...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

The Doll Squad (1973)

francine york doll squad
Title
: The Doll Squad
It's Like Seal Team 6 Was Staffed With Kardashians!

CinemaBandits Review: The Saturn moon rocket has been destroyed by a madman. Utter destruction of a billion dollar space program. He demands a ransom or threatens something even more devastating.

The government's most advanced computer system analyzes the circumstances and concludes that this is a job for The Doll Squad. They're a crack all-female commando uit with vast experience dealing with terrorists all over the world. And although the girls fall for the old "look over there" trick to disarm them, the super computer assures the Defense Department they are the right choice.

It readily apparent why the computer has picked these women... (One of the girls is a stripper. One of them is a karate instructor at the local YMCA. One is a librarian. One is a swim coach)... and it certainly isn't because they claim professions that only reinforce their deadly skills. I think the U.S. Government super computer is a little bit of a pervert. It seems the only prowess the women really can claim is that they look good in bikinis.

They've found out where the madman's hideout is and attack... and by "attack" I mean they run around a awful lot in one-piece jumpsuits, screaming, and only occasionally get caught... okay, they get caught ALOT. (I counted four times that just the leader gets captured... in an hour and a half)

Luckily, they have a backup plan: Blow the hideout to kingdom come with massive amounts of explosives. Why they just didn't do that at the very start, rather than run around for 45 minutes getting caught by the bad guys at every turn, is the real mystery.

Whatever... They're the anti-terrorist experts, not me.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Doll Squad...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Camp Fear (1991)

CampFear1
Title: Camp Fear
There Will Be Sleeping Bags, Campfires Songs, S'mores... And Human Sacrifice!

CinemaBandits Review: I attended some pretty bad camps when I was a boy. At band camp I didn't shower for 8 days. At computer camp I returned with some new programming skills and a parasite.

But none of that compares to Camp Fear.

How about biker gangs? Or Stonehenge? Or time-traveling giants? Or aquatic dinosaurs? Or virgin sacrifices?

It all starts out innocently enough. A professor takes his class of 18 year old girls to the woods for a weekend slumber party. He doesn't invite any of the boys... just the lingerie-clad girls. What could be more innocent than that?

They all go out to the club and get drunk the night before. And it all goes south from there. It starts to rain. The bridge to the mountain goes out. A biker gang buys up all the beer at the convenience store. They can't find the lake. They lose their shoes.

Oh... and their virgin friend gets sacrificed by Druids to halt the end of the world.

My friend Richie dropped his trumpet in his plate of spaghetti and kept blowing out chunks of tomato for the rest of the summer. Although I'm willing to bet everything I own he was a virgin, at least he's still alive.

Everyone seems rather okay with the fact that it only took sacrifices of a few friends to save planet Earth. Teenagers can be rather cliquey sometimes.

However, the film does end on a happy note though. The town's lovable drunk gets eaten alive by the Loch Ness Monster.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Camp Fear...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Abominable (2006)

Abominable1
Title: Abominable
Bigfoot Haters Gonna Hate!

CinemaBandits Review: Bigfoot is real.

The debate is over. Finished. Kaput. Done.

There may be only vague casts of plaster in the rough shape of something that resembles a foot. There may be only extremely blurry photographs of blobby things out in the woods. There may only be one 50 year old video. There may be no DNA evidence. There may be no skeletal evidence.

But I'm pretty sure that my well-documented accurate reasoning based on my nearly 6 years of high school is much more reliable than all those so-called "facts". One day, while I'm out enjoying a burnt marshmallow by a campfire, I'll look up and see a giant hairy Sasquatch asking for a bite.

How cool would that be?!? I'm just sitting there... got my chocolate and graham cracker in hand... and a squatch walks up. He whimpers and makes a "I'm hungry" gesture. I take a look at my perfectly prepared s'more in my hand, say "what the heck", and hand it to him. He eats it in one bite and smiles back at me. We spend the night laughing and sharing good fellowship through non-verbal communication.

That'd be cool. And if it's cool, then screw you, scientists! And screw your research aimed at trying to rain on my Bigfoot parade!

Bigfoot is real.

As for the movie Abominable, I'm pretty sure it was made by these fancy-school-learned "experts". Just a bunch of science propaganda, if you ask me! It does not portray Bigfoot in a good way. They make up some preposterous story about how Sasquatch goes on a rampage killing teenage campers. Campers just trying to have some fun. He kidnaps girls, rips them in half, and bites their heads off.

Preposterous!

They did get one thing correct though... They made Bigfoot the look exactly like crazy-eyed character actor Jack Elam. All Bigfoots are the spittin image of Jack Elam. Fact.

It's quite entertaining... if you can overlook the absurd portrayal of Bigfoot behavior depicted by these Hollywood scientists, while blindly omitting the truth...

Bigfoot is real... and he likes marshmallows.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (7 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Abominable...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Hobgoblins (1988)

hobgoblins1
Title: Hobgoblins
Boy, The Muppets Sure Did Get Cranky Lately!

CinemaBandits Review: Crazy telepathic puppet hobgoblins from the 1950s have invaded a Hollywood movie studio. That's the premise of Hobgoblins.

Unfortunately, that's about as far as the writer developed the story. From there it kinda falls apart as quickly as Charlie Sheen's sobriety.

When the night watchman sees that these psychotic alien puppets are using mind control to destroy the lives of everyone on the lot, he decides to do the smart thing... stick them in a closet. He doesn't alert authorities to the evil extra terrestrials. He doesn't take matters into his own hands and kill the murderous puppets. He doesn't warn everybody to stay away from those tiny little wicked balls of fur. He just rounds them up and shoves them in a closet.

Heck, he doesn't even lock the closet door.

As a consequence, some poor temporary worker simply trying to make enough money to have a date with his abusive girlfriend, accidentally let's the otherworldly puppets out to terrorize a nightclub. (Why the hairy aliens couldn't just open the door themselves, is never explained)

The hobgoblins' iniquitous plan is to give their victims their hearts' desire... which always seems to involve removing some or all of their clothes and gyrate to some really dull music by 80s supergroup The Fontanelles. (yeah, I've never heard of them either)

Somehow, it always ends in mayhem and death...
Then some extras run around.


Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Hobgoblins...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Space Mutiny (1988)

SpaceMut
Title: Space Mutiny
More Sophisticated Than Making A Finger Laser-Gun and 'PEW PEW' noises... But Not By Much!


CinemaBandits Review: Remember when you saw Star Wars and thought "That's a heck of a space movie!"?
Remember when you saw Star Wars and thought "Those are some awesome sets!"?
Remember when you saw Star Wars and thought "Darth Vader is such a great villain!"?
Remember when you saw Star Wars and thought "Han Solo is so cool!"?
Remember when you saw Star Wars and thought "Leia looks cute in her costumes!"?

Yeah, well... how do I break this to you?

Space Mutiny is slightly different.

How about spaceships made of brick walls. Or a villain named after a woman's bath product? Or a hero who runs like a less coordinated Urkel from Family Matters? Or a sexy heroine about as alluring as your grandmother doing the Jane Fonda workout?

I didn't even mention the exciting space-golfcart chases that reach speeds of close to 7 mph.
...Or the chemistry between the leading man and lady that is about as red hot as a two 12 yr old pimply spelling bee champions with braces on a first date.
...Or Commander Santa Claus.
...Or the hula hoop discotheque.
...Or the endless running around for no reason at all of all the extras. I swear, a good 30 minutes of this movie --one third of the entire film-- is filled with people running back and forth, up and down, left and right, all over the place, completely devoid of justification. They just run. And then run some more. And then run some more.

The story is something like this: the villain wants to reroute a spaceship to somewhere... and that's bad. Then some extras run around. The hero, Dave Ryder, with help from the commander's grandmother... er, daughter, Leah Jansen, tries to stop him... and that's good. Then some extras run around.

It's all very Battlestar Galactica if Battlestar Galactica were directed by your aunt.

Then some extras run around.


Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (7 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Space Mutiny...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Blood Of Dracula's Castle (1969)

BloodDracula1
Title: Blood Of Dracula's Castle
CinemaBandits Title: Peace, Love, And Sucking Blood!

CinemaBandits Review: Dracula has retired. He's done biting young girls' necks. This is 1969... That's so not groovy, man! Dracula even changed his name so that people won't recognize him.

Of course, he hasn't quite given up on the whole "forever young" thing. He'll still imprison those young girls to drain their blood for his benefit, but he's sooo over sucking on the innocent. He simply orders his hulking servant Mango (named after the tropical fruit for some unknown reason) and butler John Carradine (you knew he was gonna show up somewhere) to round up nubile females, draw their blood intravenously, and make real Bloody Mary cocktails.

When family friend Johnny Davenport comes to visit, it's a heartfelt reunion of psychopaths. You see, it seems Johnny Davenport can't control himself when the moon becomes full. He's compelled to kill. He must be a werewolf, you say? Nope. Nary a hair to be found on this guy. That would make sense. He just really likes full moons.

Unfortunately, Dracula never bothered to change the name on the lease for his castle and now the new owners are dispossessing him and his wife.

That's the story. No, really.

Listen, the poor housing market affects us all. Prince Of Darkness or not, there's a lesson to be learned here.

All of this action takes place in, like, 4 rooms... this film won't win any beauty awards for panoramic shots (despite being shot by legendary cinematographer Lazlo Kovacs). Although, inexplicably, the first scene, where a glamorous model poses for a photo-shoot among walruses and pilot whales, takes place in the now defunct Marineland in California. We even get to ride up AND down the Marineland Observation Tower... cause that's frightening and belongs in a vampire film, I guess.

But really, in some weird way, it does belong. Because nothing in this movie makes any sense.


Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Blood Of Dracula's Castle...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

The Perils Of Gwendoline In The Land Of The Yik Yak (1984)

Gwendoline
Title: The Perils Of Gwendoline In The Land Of The Yik Yak
CinemaBandits Title: Indiana Jones In Hot Leather!

CinemaBandits Review: This film had grand designs. It tries. It tries desperately.

It desires to reproduce the swashbuckling style of Errol Flynn. It wants to imitate the famous Cary Grant/Irene Dunne onscreen chemistry. It wishes to bring the Spielberg magic to a pulp adventure. It wants to be Raiders Of The Lost Ark.

But instead we get The Perils Of Gwendoline In The Land Of The Yik Yak... Yep. That's the name they went with... from director Just Jaeckin... Seriously. You read that right. Just Jaeckin. That's his name.

The onscreen chemistry Mr. Jaeckin so desperately tries to coax from the stars instead plays like a mean episode of The Honeymooners with Ralph and Alice at their worst, spewing disparaging insults at one another. It's ugly stuff.

Tawny Kitaen comes across as a fine young starlet. She does what she could with such limited material. After all, what can an actress do when asked to drive in a leather-lingerie-clad, girl-drawn chariot race? She may have gone on to greater things, but for some reason, gyrating on the hood of a Jaguar is her legacy.

Just like Ms. Kitaen's mainstream career, this whole movie misses the mark it was trying to achieve.

However, it misses it by so much, you can't help but watch. It's the epitome of the old "train wreck" metaphor.

Just when you think it's going to turn the corner and become a competent film, it suddenly flys off the rails, hits an embankment, and explodes in a spectacular conflagration of ineptitude. A simple moment between the stars becomes an uneasy, awkward, and hate-filled rant. A fun action sequence suddenly turns into a violent gorefest. An exotic location transforms into a sexist fetish wonderland.

But, hey, there's a slew of Nazi-nun-dominatrix movies... True hate-filled sexist gorefests are a staple of the B-movie genre. Gwendoline is a much kinder, gentler example. But none the less, still an exercise in misplaced indulgence.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe all of this was intentional. Maybe the makers of Gwendoline planned the whole thing as a grand celebration of derision and vice.

If so, bravo on a sublime lampoon.


Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Perils Of Gwendoline In The Land Of The Yik Yak...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Alien Outlaw (1985)

AlienOutlaw1
Title: Alien Outlaw
CinemaBandits Title: Alien vs Predator vs Roy Rogers!

CinemaBandits Review: Alien Outlaw is one of those movies. By all rights it shouldn't have been made. No budget. No stars. No special effects. No story. But, by golly, it got made.

And I am so glad it did.

It's ridiculously fun, outrageously silly, and, against all odds, totally memorable.

Here's the story: Three aliens crash land in a creek in North Carolina. They, without any back story whatsoever, decide to rape and murder the entire population of the nearby town. Luckily, a modern day Annie Oakley happens to be traveling through this town and decides to take it upon herself to rid the town of its unwelcome intruders.

Subplots abound also. Will our heroine ever hit the big time with her trick shooting career? Will she put on any pants? Will our two vacationing buddies decide to hunt or fish? Why are the neighbors blowing up corn? Do aliens from distant galaxies always travel with horse saddles?

Kari Anderson does a fine job as the professional trick shot artist Jessie Jamison. Having thought it died several decades ago, I didn't even realize 'trick shot artist' was still an option for a grownup person's career. Evidently it is, and she's easily one of the bright spots.

Odd that classic western stars Lash LaRue and Sunset Carson decided to appear in such a unconventional film. But there they are, hopelessly trying to make sense of this script. Not that the western serials of the 40's and 50's had brilliant scripts, but they did have some context to them.

But none of that should be a surprise to you. Nor should it dissuade you from enjoying the absurdity. This movie didn't start our with much, but it gleefully delivers on what it's got...

Bizarre fun!



Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (7 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Alien Outlaw...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Island Of The Fishmen (1979)

IsleFismen2
Title
: Island Of The Fishmen
CinemaBandits Title: Barbara Bach Bores FishGuy To Death!

CinemaBandits Review: Bucking the trend of the late 70s Star Wars craze, Italian filmmaker Sergio Martino decided to go the "fishman" route. I can't speak to Sergio's other life choices, but this one seems ill-advised. Mr. Martino didn't invent the fishman genre (see Creature Of The Black Lagoon), but he certainly ended it. I can't recall any fishdude pictures since this one. There was that Titanic film a few years back with Celine Dion, but contrary to internet rumors, Ms. Dion is not a fishwoman.

A sorry group of Italian macho men taking a Caribbean cruise together, stop at a maniacal madman's port of call. Instead of locals crowding the ship trying to sell turtle carvings... instead of sunburned tourists climbing waterfalls... instead of rows and rows of Senor Frogs and Hooters... well, we get voodoo dolls, spear-lined booby traps, the lost city of Atlantis, drug addicted fishmen, and Barbara Bach!

Lots and lots of Barbara Bach...

Which is a good thing if you like vapid stares and emotionless acting from your leading lady.

Every now and then the director throws in an angry fishman attacking some poor Italian extra. Usually, it's just a shot of a rigid fin/hand prop-thingy with claws slapping the extremely hairy chest of said Italian extra... then some blood and really badly dubbed screaming.

But, way way too quickly, we're right back to Barbara Bach and her mindless version of acting.

Believe me when I say that after about 30 minutes of watching Barbara doing her best imitation a brain dead deaf mute, you start to wish one of those fishpersons would just end her (and our) misery and murder Ms. Bach.

Unfortunately, she survives the WHOLE movie.

Your brain may not.



Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Island Of The Fishmen...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Evils Of The Night (1985)

EvilsNight2
Title: Evils Of The Night
CinemaBandits Title: Alternative Lifestyle Aliens Buy A Hospital!

CinemaBandits Review: C'mon now. If you told me you were going to stick Catwoman and Ginger from Gilligan's Island in miniskirts and plop them smack dab in the middle of a space movie together, well, my 13 year old mind would've been blown.

Unfortunately, it's been quite a few years since I was 13 and even longer since Julie Newmar and Tina Louise looked even somewhat appropriate in miniskirts. But there they are -- in all their grandma'ness -- jumping around the silver screen in tiny little dresses.

Hubba Hubba!

However, they are mere eye candy to lure us into a convoluted narrative about alien hospital administrators. Yep... another one of those 'evil-hospital-administrators-from-outer-space' movies.

They hire two local mechanics to bring them fresh, nubile young bodies to harvest platelets from their blood. Luckily, they seem to have landed squarely in the middle of a gaggle of barely clothed teenagers. These evil hospital administrators are willing to pay cold hard cash for each body... in the form of quarters. Like, 8 or 9 quarters for each body. That's $2.25 per murder. A mechanic could retire after 80 or 90 thousand murders!

That's it. That's the plot... Well, there's lots of boobs and bikinis bouncing around. A few scenes of frolicking by a seaweed covered lake (huh?). Some shots of girls eating bananas... But, basically, there's your movie. It's a doozy.

Oh... and there's John Carradine in silver spandex. Can't forget that.



Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Evils Of The Night...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto: