Pieces (1982)

Picture 2 copy
Title: Pieces
CinemaBandits Title: Can't Find The Perfect Woman? Make Your Own!

CinemaBandits Review: A killer is terrorizing a small college campus with a chain-saw. Campus security keeps finding dismembered girls all over the place. It's just a mess.

They call the police, but the cops can only spare 2 officers. Really, you can't expect law enforcement to drop everything to try to catch a serial killer... they've got things to do... like filing, and typing, and decorating the precinct headquarters!

Who's gonna plan Officer Ken's birthday party?!? Priorities, people!

How convenient, then, that this college employs maybe the most creepy-one-eyed-heavy-breathing-giant gardener ever! (who just happens to carry a chain-saw with him constantly)

Case solved, right?

Not so fast, Steven Seagal!

Sure, the creepy-one-eyed-heavy-breathing-giant gardener just happens to be present at each and every murder scene... and, sure, the creepy-one-eyed-heavy-breathing-giant gardener runs away from the police every chance he gets... but we know a red-herring when we see one. And so do the police.

So they hatch an ingenious plan:

They'll hold a tennis tournament at the college. They'll invite roughly 2 tennis players... a retired professional tennis star (who happens to now work as a police detective) & a 15 year old girl (who, after watching her play, seems to have never even seen a tennis racket before). The tournament will attract 7 or 8 people. Surely, one of those people will be the killer!

Well, as unlikely as it may seem to you and me (and anyone else on the face of this planet except for the writer of the plot), this plan actually works! For some reason, the tournament suddenly plays a John Philip Sousa march at the volume of a jet fighter engine. The killer becomes so enraged by that deafening tuba, he kills again!

Band instrument induced homicide!

Unfortunately, in all the celebration, nobody seemed to notice the 15 year old tournament runner-up being hacked up over in the corner.

Oh well.

They eventually catch & kill the maniac and find out what he's been doing with all the parts he's been taking from the dead girls... piecing them together to make a new one in his closet!

The End.

Not so fast, Jean-Claude Van Damme!

Suddenly, the pieced together body they find miraculously comes to life, jumps up, and attacks the man-parts of an innocent hapless student!!!

The End.

Seriously. The movie just stops.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Pieces...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Zombi 3 (1988)

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Title: Zombi 3
CinemaBandits Title: The Food Isn't The Only Reason To Be Scared of The Philipines Anymore!

CinemaBandits Review: 'Death 1' is a top secret biological weapon being developed by the Filipino army. It's so secret, they've taken every security precaution and assigned four soldiers with mustaches to guard it! Four! Imagine the Filipino army's utter surprise when two guys in a mini-van are able to steal the virus simply by running up and grabbing the suitcase it's in!

You have to give the Filipino security forces a little slack, though. They probably couldn't have imagined the elaborate escape plan those two guys in a mini-van came up with... running into some bushes. How are you supposed to track two guys in the bushes?!? It's bushes for-god's-sake!

Anyway, that nasty virus infects one of the guys in the mini-van, he checks into the nearest 1-star hotel, and that's when all hell breaks loose! Well, maybe not "all" hell... but a moderate amount of hell breaks loose. Scenes of bellboys delivering room service, people vacationing in RV's, and really pissed off birds are just a few of the examples of the "hell" you'll see.

The virus spreads like wildfire, infecting everyone in its path... 8 villagers, a pregnant woman, and a head in a refrigerator!

Well, that's pretty much everybody it infects.

But those same 8 villagers get around, man! You find one hiding behind a door, kill him, then the next building you come to... there he is again! This time, hiding on top of a 20 foot pillar!

How did that little sucker get up on top of a 20 foot pillar, you may ask?

Well, I'm guessing he got together with the other 7 zombie villagers and decided nobody would expect a zombie, who can barely walk, to jump down from a 20 foot pillar. So they went to Home Depot and bought one of those huge ladders, paid for it with bloody-goo covered cash, and limped all the way back home carrying a giant ladder (because who's gonna be able pick up 8 zombies with a massive ladder?!? Unless, one of them had a zombie friend with a big truck, probably no one). Then one zombie scrambled up to the top of that pillar to wait while the other zombies hid the ladder out of sight (so they wouldn't tip off their intended victim that a zombie was waiting on top a 20 foot pillar to pounce!).

That's probably what happened.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Zombi 3...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Track Of The Moon Beast (1976)

Title: Track Of The Moon Beast
CinemaBandits Title: Tyrannosaurus Rex vs The Geologists!

CinemaBandits Review: Track Of The Moon Beast is a perfect example of the classic love story.

Boy meets girl. Boy becomes a geologist. Geologist takes off shirt. Girl falls in love. Geologist buys motorcycle. Geologist takes girl to folk concert. Meteorite hits geologist in head. Geologist turns into dinosaur. Geologist killed by magic arrow.

It's a joy to see cinematic storytelling at its finest.... Unfortunately, this movie doesn't have it.

But it does have warrior geologists, a sexually confused sheriff, terry-cloth ones'ies, one-armed rednecks, Andy Gibb impersonators, and ancient indian soup recipes!

Throw in acting not seen since the glory days of As The World Turns and you've got yourself a perfect storm of crappiness!

Incredibly, having your hero be a geologist wasn't boring enough... they had to add a few supporting radiologists to move the story further along. Approximately 15 minutes or so of Track Of The Moon Beast's runtime is spent in an X-ray exam room... Approximately 2 minutes into that scene, you're already saying to yourself "Why in the hell are they still in the X-ray Exam room?!?".

But don't worry. If you are able to make it through those parts, you'll be rewarded with terrific action sequences such as digging up ancient pottery.... and engaging dialouge like "His name is Ty. Which is short for Tyrannosaurus.".... and spectacular scenery such as Albuquerque, N.M.

All in all, if you're a university professor that likes his movie with a little reptilian-kink, then this is the movie for you!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Track Of The Moon Beast...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto: