Raiders Of The Magic Ivory (1988)

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Title: Raiders Of The Magic Ivory
CinemaBandits Title: Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves!

CinemaBandits Review: That's right! I said Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves!

Not only Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves, but Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves... that explode!!!

Not only Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves that explode, but Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves that explode... whose leader is Mark Twain!!!

Not only Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves that explode whose leader is Mark Twain, but Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves that explode whose leader is Mark Twain... in a dress!!!

Do I really need to write anything else?!??

Okay, here's the plot in a nutshell.... A rich Chinese guy needs to take over the world. He wants an ivory zombie tablet to help him do it. He hires a crack Army Rangers team comprised of a middle-aged chubby guy with a ridiculous 80's moustache and a beer-gut plus a feather-haired pretty-boy to do it. They fly to Vietnam, meet the Vietcong, fall in love, and sweat alot.

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Robert Mitchum's son, James (above left... doing his best beer-drinking-buddy character impression from the movie Overboard) turns in an action packed performance. Why he never rivaled Arnold Schwarzenegger as an action hero is incomprehensible.

(Although, it might have something to do with the fact that James Mitchum looks more like a beer-belly'd construction worker than an elite commando.)

And can somebody please tell me why the all the Vietcong in this film look alot like Cuban rebels?!?? I mean, I'm no history professor, but I could've sworn that the Vietnamese War was fought in Southeast Asia... not Latin America. Even one of the Vietcong's commander's smokes a big ol' cigar ala Fidel Castro.

Anyway... I felt like I was watching Sam Malone and Norm in some zany camping hijinks from TV's Cheers rather than 2 battle hardened Army veterans fighting for their very lives.

I was pretty sure that at any moment Cliff would pop up from behind some bushes and spout off useless information.

But I got somethng better... Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves!


Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Raiders Of The Magic Ivory...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

The Astro-Zombies (1968)

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Title: The Astro-Zombies
CinemaBandits Title: The Russians Are After Our Zombie Technology!

CinemaBandits Review: I'm not sure what was going on at the CIA in the 1960's.

They tried to topple Fidel Castro with The Bay Of Pigs... they also tried mind-controlling the hippies with LSD... and now, I've come to find out after watching The Astro-Zombies, they tried to send zombies to the moon with John Carradine!

Evidently, back during the early years of the space race, there were two schools of thought:

1) use highly trained, extremely smart astronauts to guide billion-dollar spacecraft to the moon.

-or-

2) use zombies.

Thank God #1 prevailed! Or instead of Neil Armstrong's famous "One small step for man..." as the first words from the moon, we might have had mindless groans and moans. Instead of the iconic images of Buzz Aldrin planting the American flag on the surface of the moon, we might have had aimless wandering and shouts for "Brains!".

But I will give credit where credit is due... at least the CIA dressed all their Astro-Zombies in smart looking sport-jackets!

And, interestingly enough, they also installed solar-panels on all of the zombie-astronauts' foreheads.

The CIA were being responsible citizens of Mother Earth and invested heavily in "green" technology for their zombies. In fact, they've inspired me to become more environmentally accountable... the next time I create a crazed werewolf, I will only wash him with a phosphate-free shampoo that isn't tested on animals.

Somehow the Russians find out about this awesomely advanced American space-zombie technology and decide to send a Mexican pimp and a Russ Meyer girl to try to steal it (because everybody knows giant-bosomed girls in skin-tight dresses with huge fake eyelashes make the best spies!).

Their plan doesn't work... our zombie space program stays years ahead of the Russians... and we win the Cold War!

That's how it happened... Look it up!


Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Astro-Zombies...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Kong Island (1968)

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Title: Kong Island
CinemaBandits Title: Super-Monkeys Are Stealing Our Women!

CinemaBandits Review: What if you could control a monkey? I don't mean just a trained monkey, but a monkey that would do exactly what you tell him to do!

Here's what I would do....

I'd have that monkey dress up in a cowboy outfit complete with a 10-gallon hat.... ride around on a miniature pony with guns a'blazin'.... and invite my friends over to see Chuckles - The Hairiest Outlaw This Side Of The Pecos River!

That's what I'd do.

But the mad scientist in Kong Island had other plans.

Seems he stumbled upon a way to remotely control a living being by transmitting radio signals to a surgically implanted receiver in the subjects skull! He's experimented on a family of gorillas, and it was such a resounding success, that he plans on implementing this procedure on every single person on the planet so that he can be rich and powerful! Ha Ha Haaa!

What a great idea, Mr. evil-genius!

Just a couple of flaws I noticed in that perfect plan....

1) - He's going to have to capture and then operate on every single person on Earth... that might take a while.
2) - If each operation costs $10 dollars (I might be a bit low on that estimate), it's gonna cost roughly $65 billion dollars.

I'm not sure he completely thought through this whole "take-over-the-world-and-get-rich" idea.

The hero (inappropriately named "Bert") finds out about this little plan and goes traipsing about the jungles of Africa (I'm assuming the writers decided the African continent was just a really big island.... hence, the title of this stinky burrito of a movie) looking for the evil Doctor. Along the way, he finds a groovy disco, enjoys quite a few fine cigarettes, baths in a tropical waterfall, seduces a wild half-naked Italian lady who runs around with a chimpanzee side-kick, and wrestles men in loin cloths!

How did they pack that much action into 92 minutes, you ask??!?

They didn't!

They packed that into about 20 minutes.... the other 72 minutes is stock footage of African wildlife.

Lions and tigers and men in monkey-suits... Oh my!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Kong Island...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:


The Tomb (1986)

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Title: The Tomb
CinemaBandits Title: The Mummy - Too Hot For TV!

CinemaBandits Review: Turns out, Brendan Fraser was a good actor after all!

I have to confess, the first few times I watched 1999's The Mummy, I was rather unimpressed with Brendan Fraser's performance.... much in the same way I'm unimpressed when I have food poisoning.

Oh sure, you may cite the movies Furry Vengeance, or Dudley Do-Right, or Monkeybone, or George Of The Jungle. or even the hearlded Encino Man as proof of Fraser's acting chops.... but I still questioned his ability while watching The Mummy.

You may even argue with me saying: "How can you question Fraser's thespian skills when he's able to pull off so many looks??!?"

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Call me a doubting-Thomas, but even with such compelling evidence, my mind still was not convinced Brendan was the next Marlon Brando.

Then I watched The Tomb.... .... and everything changed!

My eyes have been opened! I have seen the light!

After watching The Tomb's version of an ancient Egyptian mummy come back to life to chase a treasure hunter, I am a Brendan believer!

In fact, I'm petitioning the Academy Awards to retro-actively award Mr. Fraser an Oscar for his performance in The Mummy!

And as the only proof they will need, I'm sending them a copy of the performance of The Tomb's leading man Richard Hench (who's other main claim to fame is that he was Playgirl's Man of the Month for their April, 1984 issue).

The Brendan Fraser Fanclub will be meeting at my house from now on!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Tomb...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:


Hercules In New York (1969)

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Title: Hercules In New York
CinemaBandits Title: Schwarzenegger Finds A Life Partner!

CinemaBandits Review: Arnold Schwarzenegger travels to America because he is bored with his homeland. He finds a rather dainty little tender fellow, moves in with him, and explores all sorts of new and exciting lifestyles.

No, not the auto-biographical account of the former Governor of California... but the plot of the truly upsurd movie Hercules In New York.

Seems Hercules, played by the phonetically challenged Schwarzenegger, is a randy young man who wants to experience the life of us ordinary folk. So he travels to New York, takes off his shirt, runs around beating things up, grunts alot, becomes a movie star, marries a Kennedy, and has a love-child with his Spanish maid!

Amazing how art imitates life, huh??!?

Anyway, the message of Hercules In New York... what the filmmakers were really trying to say (as far as I can tell), is that it's okay to be yourself. It's okay to question your identity and experiment, to feel fabulous in tight pants, to be a muscle-bound Greek who shaves his chest... It's okay! You'll find love anyway!

That love may be with a soft little pretzel salesman, but that shouldn't affect you... Be proud & be loud, because deep down inside... we're all the sons of Zeus!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Hercules In New York...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:


Galaxy Of Terror (1981)

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Title: Galaxy Of Terror
CinemaBandits Title: Not So 'Happy Days'!

CinemaBandits Review: Remember that Happy Days episode where Richie Cunningham is visited by Mork From Ork? Remember thinking, as an 8 year old, that it was sure to win an Emmy?.... Only later realizing it was one of the worst things ever filmed?

Now imagine that story with even less believability... with Joanie instead of Richie... and instead of Robin Williams, substitute a really big glob of horny Jell-O... well, you got yourself Galaxy Of Terror!

If you're like me, when you first saw the movie ALIEN you thought to yourself "Man, that was a superb movie! If only it starred that girl from Happy Days!... If only it had a plot-line that involved the Church Of Scientology!... If only the Alien was trying to bump uglies with the crew rather than trying to eat them!"... If you thought that, then this stinky burrito of a movie is for you.

Joanie seems to be some sort of psychic sent to another planet by a higher power to search for extraterrestrial souls.

(I promise you... L. Ron Hubbard did not write the screenplay. Although, if he had, Battlefield Earth would now be considered his second worse movie.)

And even though Joanie was at the peak of her career when this movie was made, top billing goes to Edward Albert (son of TV's Green Acres Eddie Albert) and Ray Walston (from My Favorite Martian)... presumably because of the immense amount of credibility & acting integrity both bring to the film... just take a look at some of their credits: Alf, SuperBoy, The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, and the venerable Fist Fighter 2!

Star power!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Galaxy Of Terror...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto: