Bail Out (1989)

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Title: Bail Out
CinemaBandits Title: Miami Vice... Hasselhoff Style!

CinemaBandits Review: There has been some truly talented male/female pairings in Hollywood... Humphrey Bogart & Lauren Bacall... Spencer Tracy & Katherine Hepburn... Clark Gable & Lana Turner...

Well, you can add another couple to that list:

David Hasselhoff & Linda Blair!

Watch out Lucy & Desi... here comes The Hoff and his lady-friend!

This is an action-packed, explosion-filled, jungle-based adventure extravaganza not seen since that Three's Company episode where Jack, Chrissy, Janet, Larry, Mr. Furley, and Lana go camping!

It also sports classic examples of "eye-acting". You know what I'm talking about... let's say Linda Blair is tied up with a gag in her mouth and, let's say, David Hasselhoff bursts into the room to save her. But, let's also say, Daivd Hasselhoff doesn't see the bad guy just around the corner... Linda Blair breaks out the "eye-acting" and tries to tell The Hoff, using just her eyes, that he's about to be ambushed by that bad guy. For about one minute of screen time, we get to see an actress in the prime of her career jiggle her eyes back and forth, shimmy her eye-brows up and down, and generally look like she's doing a ridiculously poor Marty Feldman impersonation... all the while confusing poor David Hasselhoff.

But they don't stop there... there's the "Please Don't Let The Bad Guys Know You Recognize Me" eye-acting! Or the "Somebody Help Me, I've Just Been Kidnapped And Thrown In The Back Of A Van" eye-acting! Or even the "I'll Play Along With The Head Bad Guy, But I'm Really Just Looking For An Escape" eye-acting! It's an eye-acting clinic!

I'm pretty sure Juilliard devotes a whole semester to the subject.

But let's not forget The Hoff, who manages to spend the entire first half of the movie pretending he's the lone white member of Kid-N-Play with one of those bad, neon-colored tennis/jogging outfits from the eighties...
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...with his pants pulled up entirely too high.

Originally titled WB, Blue and the Bean, the name was changed to Bail Out... presumably because they didn't want it to be confused with BJ and the Bear... a hit television show from a decade before about a monkey named Bear and a guy named BJ. (actually, I'm just guessing at that.)

Anyway... considering this film's critical and financial impact, I'm surprised that Hollywood did not team up David Hasselhoff and Linda Blair for more film magic. Although, I'm hearing a Hasselhoff/Blair remake of Gone With The Wind is in the works.

Let's keep our fingers crossed!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Time Barbarians (1990)

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Title: Time Barbarians
CinemaBandits Title: Giant Hairless Pecs Attack Los Angeles!

CinemaBandits Review: I used to watch the television show American Gladiators and think: "One day, I'm gonna work out and get my body into shape. Then train as hard as I can until I'm an elite athlete. I'm going to get my self a neon-colored unitard and change my name to Mega-Bolt. Then they'll put me on American Gladiators and make me a star!"

I soon realized I would have to give up corn-dogs, pizza, cookies, eating frosting straight from the container, long naps on the couch, weekends spent doing literally nothing, using the scooter at the grocery instead of pushing a cart, getting up after 2pm, and Gilligan's Island marathons.

Then, to top it all off, someone invented the internet... I quickly changed my dream from starring in American Gladiators, to being the first person to download all the Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch podcasts.

I think I was successful.

But one person who held onto that American Gladiators dream was Deron McBee.

Deron McBee worked and worked until his pecs were the size of tiny bald horses... He got a flashy rastlin' outfit... He changed his name to Malibu... and quickly became the most awesome blond behemoth American Gladiator ever!

... oh, and he starred in our movie Time Barbarians.

And my suggestion to Deron McBee, aka Malibu... go back to making your pecs spectacularly huge & hair-free as fast as you can.

To call Deron McBee an "actor" is akin to calling a truck-stop restroom "fragrant".

Soooo-weeeeee! Woooo, pig..... com' on!

Deron plays Doran (I'm guessing because he can only learn one name at a time) with subtleness and deft understatement... much like Hulk Hogan. His ease at moving from an ancient Norwegian warrior to a modern-day Los Angelean in search of his girlfriend's killer is as smooth as Rosie O'Donnell tryin' to get into a wetsuit! And when he finds his soul-mate, his lifelong partner, the love of his life murdered... well, let's just say, I've displayed more grief at finding I've run out of Ranch Dressing.

Now I'm not saying Malibu had no chance at becoming the next Schwarzenegger....

..... well, yes... I am saying that.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Robo Vampire (1987)

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Title: Robo Vampire
CinemaBandits Title: Bunny-Hopping Vampires In Gorilla Masks!

CinemaBandits Review: I have no clue what Robo Vampire is about.

I watched it...

Then, I watched it again... Nope... no idea whatsoever.

I'm not sure the writers, producers, director, or anyone (not under the influence of the "funny stuff") could tell you what this movie is about.

I suppose you could say it's a rip-off of the RoboCop films... but then, how do you explain vampires that can only move by jumping around like 6-year-olds learning the "Hokey Pokey"??!?

Well, you say, maybe it's a vampire flick then... okay, but why are they wearing rubber gorilla masks??!?

How about a jungle adventure?... then please explain the Miami Vice 'Crockett & Tubbs' drug-cartel chase scenes!

Well, it's got to be a "Robo-Dracula-Cop/Miami-Gorilla-Vice" movie, then!... Nope. You forgot the female ghost/un-dead monkey wedding ceremony about half-way through.

Yep, you read that right!

I know you're probably putting on your fancy shorts, canceling the Tupperware party you had planned, and running out to the video store right now to rent this film, but I need to warn you... this is not a female ghost/un-dead monkey RomCom either. That little love story only takes up about 15 minutes. The other hour is filled sparklers, gondola rides, and levitating chickens... & if that weren't enough, how about some memorable dialogue like "If you want a cigarette, just ask for one!" or "You don't have to be so temperamental!" or even the gripping "You should bathe more often!".

Oh yeah, it's that bafflingly good!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Queen Of Outer Space (1958)

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Title: Queen Of Outer Space
CinemaBandits Title: Planet Venus... Global Warming (& Estrogen) Gone Wild!

CinemaBandits Review: All of our leading scientists assured us that the planet Venus was uninhabited... that the green-house effect had run wild there and had made the atmosphere toxic. The temperature on the surface, our scientists have asserted, is so hot it would melt lead.

Turns out... all our scientists were wrong!

Venus is inhabited, the atmosphere isn't toxic, and the temperature is only hot enough to burn through a woman's skirt somewhere above her knee!

You see, Venus is inhabited by women. Only women. Only women wearing mini-skirts.

Now, normally, I would find this a good thing.

However, these women are a tad pee'd off at men. Seems that many years ago, the men of Venus started a nuclear war which killed off all the men and disfigured many of the women.

That can be a problem with us men. We like big explosions... we like to blow stuff up... including ourselves.

Women... if I may speak for all men... We're Sorry! We don't mean to cause Armageddon. We simply like to hear a big "boom"! Sometimes it gets a little carried away, but we can't help ourselves... we're men! Once, many years ago, I was in charge of props for a play. The play called for a small flash of smoke. The director told me to use a quarter teaspoon of black-powder wrapped in some flash paper...

...and for the FIRST performance, I did. However, I'm a man... and if a quarter teaspoon of black-powder is good... then 2 tablespoons of black powder is better!

To make a long story short, I unleashed Dante's Inferno onto the stage that night... and sent a girl to the hospital (her pantyhose melted to her leg). She recovered and I was quickly relieved of my bomb-making duties.

Did I feel bad? You bet I did!... Would I ever do it again? Probably!

I'm a man! I'm sorry!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Zombie Lake (1981)

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Title: Zombie Lake
CinemaBandits Title: It's National 'Take Your Nazi-Zombie Daughter To Work' Day!

CinemaBandits Review: I like zombie movies... I imagine most guys do. So, for a movie to shoot straight up to #1 on my zombie movie list, it has to be exceptional.

Well, Zombie Lake is beyond exceptional!

Take your run-of-the-mill walking undead movie... throw in some Nazi's... add some awful dialogue and even worse zombie make-up... leave in a shot where the camera man and director are clearly visible in a mirror... use the same actors over and over again just with different bad wigs... throw in a mind-boggling out-of-place scene with a jiggly women's basketball team bouncing around to some Benny Hill music...

Well, my friend... you've just made Zombie Lake... and you've just made a cinematic masterpiece!

But it doesn't stop there!

The whole second half of the movie is dedicated to the complicated relationship between a waterlogged Nazi-Zombie and his long-lost daughter. (I'm not kidding) He even manages to give his daughter a necklace as a present and take her for casual walks around town.

I can't believe someone even thought of writing that into a script... let alone actually shooting it and putting it in a movie! But I'm sure glad they did!

A quick run-down of the plot: towards the end of WWII, a German soldier falls in love with a local French girl and they have a child. Infuriated, the French towns-folk massacre the entire German platoon and dump their bodies in the town lake. Some 35 years later, those Nazi-zombies come back and murder anyone who gets too close to the lake (which happens to be lots of nubile young women. Funny how that happens.)

One day, that long dead German soldier walks by the house where his 13 year old daughter is living and stops in for a chat. (how his daughter is only 13 years old, yet 35 years has passed, is never explained) They've got a lot of catching up to do, but she's torn... he's a flesh-eating zombie and must be killed.

What's a daughter to do??!?

Spray her zombie-father down with Napalm... and watch him burn, burn, burn!

... and then shed a tear. Touching!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (9 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Conquest (1983)

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Title: Conquest
CinemaBandits Title: Arnold Schwarzenegger Has Awesome Laser-Arrow Skills!

CinemaBandits Review: Can a movie filled with laser-arrows really be that bad??!?

Conquest answers that age-old question... and the answer is a resounding "Yes"!

I mean, we're talkin' about frickin' laser-arrows, here! Good golly, I don't know how they could've screwed it up, but they did!

I used to dream about laser-arrows...
My name was 'Red-Dragon Man' and I was wandering the vast wasteland of 'Sabre-Cat World'. My only purpose was keeping the people free from the tyranny of the Sabre-Cats. You see, Sabre-Cats like to enslave people by making them build Sabre-Cat armor. Many people had tried to fight the Sabre-Cats, but their armor was impenetrable... except by laser-arrows (which, I alone possess)...
That was my dream... and the script for "Laser-Cat Nebula", a feature length treatment that's sitting in my filing cabinet right now.

But now, after watching Conquest, I'm beginning to wonder if any movie starring laser-arrows can be good... even mine.

Sure, in my dream-movie, the laser-arrows are used to fight space-kittys... but other than that, there's not much difference. For Instance... in Conquest, the hero runs around in leather speedos... in my dream, I run around in leather boxers (boxers are slightly longer... less chafing!).

So, even though this movie has laser-arrows AND werewolves (oh... I forgot to mention the werewolves?!?), it has turned out to be one of the greatest disappointments of my life. Not only did Conquest not live up to my expectations, but it also made me think my dream of laser-arrows and Space-Cats may be just that... a dream.

I might have to switch to ninja-ferrets.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Fatal Justice (1994)

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Title: Fatal Justice
CinemaBandits Title: It's Like Schindler's List... Only A Lot, Lot Worse!

CinemaBandits Review: Every once in a while, God looks down upon you and smiles: you get some extra french-frys you didn't order...you find a $20 bill on the ground... you stumble across a gas station that's 3 cents cheaper than all the others... or....

You stumble upon a movie like Fatal Justice!

A movie so incredibly inept... so absolutely silly and lacking common sense... with so much clumsy film-making... that's it's truly a wondrous delight to watch!

I don't know who Gerald Cain is (the director of this mess)... but why he isn't mentioned in the same breath as Ed Wood, when discussing clueless directors, is beyond me!

Evidently, Gerald Cain made another film called Dust To Dust... and you can bet your bottom dollar, right this very minute, I'm searching the cob-webbed back-rooms of every video store I can think of to try to find it! I don't know how it could top Fatal Justice, but a guy can hope, can't he??!?

From the moment the first images of this movie splashed across my TV screen, I knew I had stumbled upon truly great bad-filmmaking!

There are so many jaw-dropping moments in this film... From exploding watermelons to a Ford Escort being used as a get-away car... from outrageously high-waisted shorts to CIA candidates that look like out-of-shape construction workers. At one point in the film, during a car case, the heroine switches from a left-hand driving position to a right-hand driving position... then back to a left-hand driving position! I'm guessing the film was accidently flipped over during editing... and the director didn't notice!

However, after watching Fatal Justice, it's a safe bet the director may have been drunk throughout the entire process!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (9 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Women In Fury (1985)

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Title: Women In Fury
CinemaBandits Title: Girls (With Awesome Hair).... Behind Bars!

CinemaBandits Review: I realize that not all female criminals look as scary as Eileen Wuornos... but c'mon, this Brazilian prison seems to be populated by the models from the latest issue of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue!

Now I've seen the TV show COPS and (except for the many recent appearances by Lindsay Lohan) most criminals look like they're a couple of heartbeats away from being medical cadavers... in fact, if the only thing wrong with you is stringy hair and bad teeth, you'll probably make the COPS Best Dressed List!

But I guess, in South America, it really is a crime to "look that good"!

Angela, the newest young prisoner/super-model to be incarcerated in this Brazilian jail/modeling-agency, took the rap for killing a drug-dealer and she's put through some truly horrendous stuff when she arrives: a shower... she gets her hair done... and has some brandy with the warden!

Those sick-o's!

But just like typical supermodel behavior, the prison is filled with jealous cat-fights, eccentric fashion, prancing divas, and a be-heading or two!

And let me tell you, that's enough to make a girl lose her mind... right before her friends prove to the courts it was all just a big mistake. Angela is left wandering the streets and back alleyways of Rio de Janeiro... crazy as a loon.

What a happy ending!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Dracula, Prisoner Of Frankenstein (1972)

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Title: Dracula, Prisoner Of Frankenstein
CinemaBandits Title: Be Nice, Or Dr Frankenstein Will Tell His Mommy On You!

CinemaBandits Review: If you like watching people scream for no apparent reason... or you like vampire movies shot in Mexico... or you simply like watching a werewolf with an afro battle Frankenstein... then Dracula, Prisoner Of Frankenstein is the movie for you!

But the fun doesn't stop there....

The movie takes place in the late 19th century, yet, inexplicably, a 1960's mini-van makes a brief cameo appearance about 1/3 of the way into the film. Didn't exactly do their history homework, I guess!

The movie was shot in English... then dubbed into Spanish... then subtitled back into English. Although you might not ever notice... there's only about 20 lines of dialogue in the whole movie... which makes it fun trying to figure out just what the heck is going on!

Just prior to filming, evidently the director realized he absolutely loved the zoom feature on his camera. That crazy little bugger just can't stop zooming!

And there's so many more things to hate/love about this funky burrito of a film.

But let's take a second to mention the story (a dangerous thing to do with this type of movie!). Here it is in a Mexican-Jumping-Bean-nutshell:

Count Dracula is killed by the locals. Dr Frankenstein devises a plan to take over the world. Dr Frankenstein buys Count Dracula's castle. Dr Frankenstein brings back to life not only his monster, but also Count Dracula. Dr Frankenstein doesn't notice that 10 feet away from Count Dracula's coffin is another female vampire. The female vampire turns into a bat and flies around Dr Frankenstein. Dr Frankenstein becomes offended and gives up. The End.

I'm guessing Dr Frankenstein never heard the expression "Winner's never quit"... or even "Sticks & stones...."!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Forbidden World (1982)

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Title: Forbidden World
CinemaBandits Title: Drain-Clog Develops Self-Awareness!

CinemaBandits Review: The monster-creation budget must've been rather small for the producers of Forbidden World... I've seen scarier things snaked out of my sink!

Unless a hair-clip with eyes frightens you, you're probably not going to be scared by much in this little stinker of a movie... except, maybe, the insipid 80's soundtrack!

Colby, our intrepid intergalactic hero, is called in when a food research space lab is overrun by an angry plant. You see, Colby is a tough guy space ranger who's only called in when every other attempt to eradicate the unruly weed has failed.

And boy is he in for a heck of a fight... this is one bad fern! It's has already killed two nutritional lab assistants and a janitor!

Colby swoops in with his trusty robot sidekick (who looks like a stormtrooper from Star Wars... but sounds alot like a boy who hasn't hit puberty yet) to kick some shrubbery-butt!

For some unknown reason, he's joined by the female half of the Swedish pop-group ABBA. And, even though there's a really mean bush on the loose, they still manage to prance around in one-piece jump-suits for awhile.

See that girl, watch that scene, diggin' the dancing queen!

However, bra-less Swedes in high-heels or not, this ill-tempered seedling is havin' none of it... and soon red-tinted corn syrup & green-tinted chlorophyl starts a-flyin'!

Thanks to some space-age weapons (that look suspiciously like they were scrounged up at the local automotive repair shop) and some ingenuity, Colby is able to out-smart the depraved herb... and save half the members of ABBA!

Swedish disco lives to boogie another day!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Man Beast (1956)

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Title: Man Beast
CinemaBandits Title: 'Abominable Snowman' Thinks Name Unfair, Prefers 'Adorable Snowman'!

CinemaBandits Review: The Yeti exist!

Whatever you want to call them... Bigfoot, Abominable Snowmen, Sasquatch, Skunk Ape or, my personal favorite, Devil Monkey... they make this world just a little more exciting. I like believing that at any time when I'm hiking through the forests or swamps of rural America, I might stumble upon a 10ft tall monkey-man guarding his berry-patch!

Besides, if you can't believe all those witnesses... those backwoods toothless hillbillys who, in their spare time, dress stuffed squirrels as the 12 Apostles and re-enact the Last Supper... then who can you believe??!?

Man Beast, however, does not serve the legend very well.

The movie implies the Yeti are an easily frightened, not very smart, under-evolved species with really bad hair. You try washing and styling foot-long hair that covers your entire body every single day!

Their monthly shampoo expense alone must be a budget breaker!

But what really gets me about Man Beast is that it portrays the Yeti as evil.

C'mon! Who was behind the 9/11 attacks? Humans! Who was responsible for WWII concentration camps? Humans! Who invented disco? Humans!

And where was the Yeti during all these horrific events? Out in the woods, simply lookin' for nice hole in the ground to do his business in!

Hardly evil.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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War Goddess (1973)

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Title: War Goddess
CinemaBandits Title: Men...What Are They Good For? Absolutely Nothin!

CinemaBandits Review: Cat-fight! Rrrrrrrrrr! Meow!

This little stinker of a movie has plenty of them. (What would you expect from an all-male Italian production of a B-movie romp from the 70's??!?)

Hopefully, if the all-female mythical Greek tribe of über-women ever really existed, they had a little more self-respect than this bunch... these Amazons act more like a sorority house gone wild than a noble matriarchal race of warriors! How can you look yourself in the mirror and call yourself an Amazon when you fight over hair-styles, fashion, and men??!?

The newly crowned Amazon Queen Antiope is on the job. She's beat all the other women in tests of strength, bravery, and skill to win the thrown... she's killed numerous men on the battlefield... she gives inspiring speeches about the virtues of the all-female society... She is one tough estrogen-filled cookie.

At least until a man winks and smiles her way.

Her rival, Princess Oreitheia, wants the crown and is willing to do whatever she can to get it... including making fun of the Queen's clothes and stealing her man! It's almost like an ancient Greek version of Desperate Housewives!

Eventually Queen Antiope wins that little tug-o-war... although, as you might expect from an all-male Italian production, she succumbs to the Greek King, becomes his concubine, and seems perfectly happy spending the rest of her days decorating the palace and shopping for new sandals.

Do not let your daughters anywhere near this film!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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The Lost Continent (1968)

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Title: Lost Continent
CinemaBandits Title: Giant Crabs Infest The Love Boat!

CinemaBandits Review: I'm not sure why I'm reviewing this film... it's kinda good!

Sure, there's bad acting... and a script that, at times, makes no sense... and a giant crab, that looks like an inflatable pool toy, tries to reek havoc on unsuspecting women... and, even though this movie takes place in the sixties, for some odd reason a 12 year old prince from 14th century Spain is the villain.

Hold on... I guess I do know why I'm reviewing this film.

Anyway, the movie starts out with a ship full of tons of some sort of phosphorous compound... which, when it comes into contact with water, becomes highly combustible. Well, wouldn't you know it, a hurricane descends right down upon this ship with it's explosive cargo. Everybody jumps into lifeboats and, for the next 20 minutes of the movie, it becomes a stranded-at-sea story of survival.

On the lifeboat, they fight hunger. They fight thirst. They fight sharks. They even fight each other. There's romance between the captain and a passenger. There's unresolved resentment between a father and daughter. There's a drunk who can't stop putting the whole lifeboat in danger. Wow!

Unfortunately, none of this has anything to do with the rest of the movie! After a while, they simply float right back to the ship again and carry on as if nothing happened!!!

Then hungry green seaweed surrounds the ship and eats a passenger or two... a giant crab shows up and eats a few more passengers... and Spanish conquistadors show up and kill even more... It's almost as bad as a 3 day Carnival Cruise visiting Ensenada!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Malibu Express (1985)

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Title: Malibu Express
CinemaBandits Title:Thought Eradicated, 'Magnum PI Mustache Virus' Strikes Again!

CinemaBandits Review: Take a simple Texas country boy...give him some tiny jeans and an enormous mustache...throw in a plot that even the writer's of 'Murder, She Wrote' would've found stupefying and contrived...and you got yourself Malibu Express!

Think 'Knight Rider' meets 'Baywatch'... but not quite as clever.

Our simple Texas country boy/private eye, Cody, lives on a yacht that's painted to look like a train (because his dead mother love trains... oh, and his dead father used to street-race against hillbillies... no kidding). Cody's marina landlord hires him to find out who's selling American computers to the Soviet Union...

Yes, I said "marina landlord"!!!!

Somehow, he ends up at some woman named Lady Chamberlain's Bel-Air estate... as a guest?... or maybe a servant?... (you know what?... that's just plot, and if Malibu Express proves only one thing, it's that it certainly won't let plot get in the way)

Anyway, Cody has his own unique way of solving international espionage mysteries... although, for the life of me, I can't tell you what that is... because it seemed as though, throughout the entire movie, all Cody did was act like that creepy guy at a party trying way too hard to impress the ladies!

Throw in scantily clad girls, a Ferrari or two, and feathered hair-cuts for the entire cast and, well... Malibu Express isn't going to win any awards for film making, but at least it'll entertain 13 year old boys for an hour and a half!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Count Dracula's Great Love (1972)

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Title: Count Dracula's Great Love
CinemaBandits Title: Mexican Vampire Seeks Chica For Some Cháca Cháca!

CinemaBandits Review: What's the first thing you think of when I say "Count Dracula"???

MEXICO!!!!

Nothin' quite like a Mexican vampire movie!

Deep in the dusty deserts of Northern Mexico, also known as Transylvania, lies a sinister cása... er, castle. The Prince of The Undead, Dracula, walks it's halls night after endless night seeking the eternal life-force he craves: a girl he can call his 'old lady'... his 'home skillet'... his 'Yoko Ono'!

After all, sucking the blood of innocent peasants can be quite disassociating. So, after a night of terrorizing the villagers in a mad orgy of blood-letting, dismembering, and death, coming home to your little woman can bring a little sense of "family" to a vampire's life.

Well, this is the Dracula's lucky day. Four women happen to get stuck on the road that passes right by Count's crib.

And after meeting them, Dracula's gone gaga over one!

Sure, he'll bite the neck of the other three, but it doesn't have any meaning for him... no connection... no fulfillment... just empty lust.

What the Count really wants is a lady that shares his same passions... his Joie de Vie! (or should I say, Joie de Mort)

In Karen, our heroine, he's found his soul-mate! Who could blame him... Karen has so much to offer. There's... uh... ummm... well, there's.... no.... uh... (Alright, after watching 90 minutes of this film, I can find no redeeming qualities in Karen. Her greatest talents seem to be walking around in nighties and having a blank stare stuck on her face. Why the heck a man, who had literally hundreds of years to find a good woman, would pick this girl... well, it truly baffles me. Anyway, back to the story...)

Unfortunately, Karen ain't so hot on Dracula's plan of turning her into a living-dead concubine for all of eternity... And Dracula's so whipped by this chick, he commits suicide rather than live on without her.

Umm, hello... Why didn't he just bite her when she wasn't looking??!?

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Yongary, Monster From The Deep (1967)

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Title: Yongary, Monster From The Deep
CinemaBandits Title: Godzilla Enjoys The Tijuana Brass & Long Walks On The Beach!

CinemaBandits Review: When former President Bush announced the 'Axis Of Evil' members included Iraq, Iran, and North Korea...well, I was a little skeptical.

I mean, how could North Korea be included on such a notorious list when their president, Kim Jong IL, looks like a good-hearted geriatric lesbian:

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However, after watching Yongary, Monster From The Deep, it makes perfect sense!

The Koreans are a menace... exploding nuclear bombs, inventing itch-lasers, releasing giant fire-breathing lizards (although, to be fair, Japan is way ahead in the 100ft-reptiles-hell-bent-on-wrecking-perfectly-good-models category), and kimchi... what the heck is in that stuff??!?

Well, this time the Koreans unleash Yongary. He's a lean mean laser-tootin' machine who loves to get jiggy with it whenever he hears a good tune. Unfortunately, iPods just don't come in his size and he's a little perturbed about it! Yongary is taking it out on all of Korea!

Luckily for the Asian nation, they've enlisted an 8-year old boy as a scientific/govermental advisor. And as soon as he cleans his room, he'll be able to explain the perfect plan he's come up with for the eradication of Yongary... (although, if he doesn't finish his vegetables, he's going to bed early, mister!)

Unfortunately, the boy's plan turns out to be one of the creepiest moments in all of B-movie-dom: As the giant Yongary lays dying a really slow agonizing death (he twitches and moans), the "heroes" of our movie explain how innocent he truly was and how Yongary just happened to get in the way... Then gleefully laugh as they fly off in a helicopter... as if they've just watched a circus clown, instead of a death. Uhgggg!

Maybe that's another reason to despise the N. Koreans.... their utter lack of empathy!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Yongary, Monster From The Deep...
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Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster (1965)

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Title: Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster
CinemaBandits Title: Those Earth Women-Folk Sure Is Pretty!

CinemaBandits Review: Mars has a little problem.

They've gone and had a nuclear war.

Seems as though our sister planet has the same issues we do... Men in positions of power use violence to try to solve problems, which eventually results in a world-wide conflagration... a nuclear war!... making their planet uninhabitable.

Oh... and they done ain't got no women there, neither!

So, the last remaining Martians have travelled to Earth to gather up our females... presumably because they've received TV signals of the Oprah Show and thought to themselves "I gots to get me some of that!".

Makes perfect sense so far, huh?

Unfortunately, the name of the movie, Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster, implies there's gonna be a 'Frankenstein' somewhere in the movie. The writers must have brought this little point to the attention of the director because, for a reason I still can't understand, a whole other plot surfaces suddenly. This one has a NASA cyborg landing on Puerto Rico and terrorizing that tropical paradise by crashing dance-party's, and running around the beaches killing local coconut farmers!

And if there's one thing you don't do in Puerto Rico, it's screw with the coconut farmers........ or eat tacos from a street vendor!

No way, Jośe!

Soon the entire Puerto Rican army (which consists entirely of 1 General, 2 Jeeps, a few corporals, and lots of stock footage) is on the move. And they don't care if you're from another planet or if you're a horribly malfunctioning human robot... they're kickin' some butt and takin' some names!

Well, needless to say, the Martians and that NASA robot-thingy picked the wrong unincorporated territory of the United States to mess with.

Both the coconut farmers and the gentler sex are saved!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster...
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1990: Bronx Warriors (1982)

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Title: 1990: Bronx Warriors
CinemaBandits Title: Gangs Of Flamboyant Tap-Dancers Terrorize The Future!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: Deep into the future (all the way to the year 1990), the Bronx is a lawless place. Ruled by lawless biker gangs... and the cast of the highly successful Broadway musical A Chorus Line!

Sends shivers down your spine, huh?

The police in the future (all the way to year 1990) have given up trying to contain the spontaneous outbreaks of violence... and show-tunes! So they've abandoned the Bronx and let the criminals... and Theatre majors... have their way on the mean streets of the NYC borough.

It's total anarchy... and jazz-hands... everywhere!

So when a girl, the only heir to a Defense Conglomerate, goes missing in this dangerous land, the authorities do the only logical thing... call Vic Morrow!

When Vic Morrow gets to town... Look out! He doesn't like the hoodlums... and won't stand for the show-stopping numbers. In order to find the lost girl, Vic takes out his anger on any law-breaker... or ambiguously gay thespian... who gets in his way!

And after watching this little stinker of a film, I'm convinced that if the blade from the helicopter in Twilight Zone: The Movie hadn't killed Vic Morrow's career, then this movie surely would have.

But what Vic Morrow didn't figure on was Trash... our Italian hero of the future (all the way to the year 1990). Not only does he have clean-shaven über-pecs that he proudly displays throughout the entire affair, but he manages to pull his jeans higher up his body than was previously thought to be humanly possible (so high, in fact, I'm pretty sure he's been unable to father any children since the filming!).

1990: Bronx Warriors presents us with a future (all the way to the year 1990) nobody wants to visit... except, maybe, Nathan Lane!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (8 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Angels' Wild Women (1972)

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Title: Angels' Wild Women
CinemaBandits Title: Tommy Chong Got A Hold Of Some Bad Stuff!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: Don't let the title fool you...

Sure there's biker chicks kickin' behinds, but Angels' Wild Women is really a delicate love story.

A love story between a biker and his chick...
Between a biker and his brother...
Between a biker and his bike...
Between a biker gang and a hippie gang...

Or, wait... uh... ummm... is it a violent thriller...
Between a biker and his chick...
Between a biker and his brother...
Between a biker and his bike...
Between a biker gang and a hippie gang...

Because at some point in this mess of a script they have tender heart-felt moments with each other... then in the next moment, inexplicably, the fists start flyin'. (kinda like me and Bart, my pet monkey)

Shot on location mostly in and around Spahn's Movie Ranch, site of the infamous Manson Family, it takes a few queues from that real life event... although, in a ultra-weird-lucy-in-the-sky-with-diamonds sorta vibe, man! Climb in the back with your head in the clouds and you're gone!

Although he's the unquestioned doppelgänger of comedian Tommy Chong, the leader of the evil hippie gang is supposed to be one bad dude (even though they share the same love of mind-altering substances)! Named 'King', he's rules the Spahn Ranch with an iron fist... well, not really. But the plot might make more sense if he did.

Anyway, I suppose the filmmaker, Al Adamson, was going for the anti-hero theme for this film, ala Easy Rider or even Dirty Harry. Unfortunately, all he was able to pull off was characters so convoluted that, by the end of the film, you really don't care who lives or who dies... you're just glad it ended!
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Angels' Wild Women...
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The Blood Of Fu Manchu (1968)

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Title: The Blood Of Fu Manchu
CinemaBandits Title: Chinese Manufactured Lipstick Filled With Lead...Killer Kisses!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: Let's say you're an astronomically wealthy Chinese warlord. And let's say you have enemies all over the world, who you desperately want to kill. And let's also say you have about 200 or so ninjas working for you.

What would you do?

Send out teams of ninja assassins to covertly hunt your enemies down and kill them?
Nope.

Hire mercenaries to do your dirty work for you?
Nope. Try again.

Open a Chinese sweat-shop factory...force your ninjas to make defective Nike sneakers...sell those Nike sneakers to your enemies...and maniacally laugh as they develop annoying foot pains?
Nope... But you're getting close!

How about moving your whole ninja posse to the jungles of South America, setting up a high-tech terrorist hide-out in the biggest cave this side of Oprah's house, kidnap some women, infect them with a poison which kills men only when kissed, and then send them out hoping they can get funky with your enemies?

Yep. That's what you'd do.

You wonder how Fu Manchu became so successful as a villain coming up with needlessly complicated schemes for world domination like that! Well, he did, nonetheless.

But the real fun comes from the mad Oriental Fu Manchu being chased by stuffy Englishmen, Mexican bandits, corrupt government officials, a highly emotional woman who likes to dress up in kid's cowboy hats, and an Indiana Jones look-a-like from Holland who sweats profusely.

Needless to say, Fu Manchu's plan fails... but not before he escapes!

(Probably so that he may come up with an even more outrageously stupid world domination plan in the next movie!)
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Prince Of Space (1959)

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Title: Prince Of Space
CinemaBandits Title: Chicken-Men From Outer Space!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: A group of about 8 chicken-men from the planet Krankor plan to take over the world (I'm guessing they slightly underestimated the population of Earth). Led by the head-rooster himself... The Phantom of Krankor!

Evidently, they heard about the fabulous success of El Pollo Loco restaurants and came to earth wanting a good explanation... not getting a satisfactory response, this gaggle of chicken-men plan to conquer the world and change the name to all 'El Pollo Loco' fast-food joints to 'El Pollo Magnifico'!

Unfortunately for the Phantom Chicken Of Krankor and his hens, our hero, the Prince of Space, absolutely loves the pollo fajitas... and is not about to let this flock of Krankor poultry ruin a good thing.

Aided by a couple of Japanese children, Prince of Space is able to withstand all the terrifying weapons the Krankor chickens throw at him... like death rays and smelly vapor! And let me tell you, I've been around some chicken that's sat out in the sun too long... that's some smelly chicken!

Prince of Space is an amazing super-hero, complete with a space-ray umbrella, a space-car that resembles a public toilet, and an ill-fitting space-unitard with cape.

But despite these flaws, Prince of Space is just what the quick-service food industry needed to save it from evil dictator chickens from outer space!

Although I've yet to figure out why Prince of Space chooses to dress up like famed post-impressionist artist Toulouse-Lautrec and shine shoes...
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (7 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Prince Of Space...
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Monster On The Campus (1958)

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Title: Monster On The Campus
CinemaBandits Title: Tonight's Special: Monster Fish Surprise!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: An extinct giant fish is infecting a small college town with mutant genes!

That's the last time I ever order the Red Lobster Catch-Of-The-Day. I'm stickin' with the clam chowder from now on.

I suppose this was bound to happen... the way we pollute the oceans. Every so often, a mutated fish (or 200 foot tall, fire-breathing lizard) pops out of the seas and takes it's revenge against the evil education system (or Japanese).

This nasty fish doesn't even have to be alive to reek havoc on Dunsfield University. Somehow, someway, this evil fillet of sea-meat manages to kill 3 people before the good Dr. Blake can figure out what's going on.

Played by the Simpsons'ized Troy Donahue, the college hunk Jimmy Flanders has a dog... and that poor pooch is the first victim... but not the last.

Even though he employs rigorous, thorough safety procedures when handling dead animal carcasses (i.e. wearing a lab coat... smoking a pipe... injected himself with it's blood... and other time-tested CDC approved procedures), Dr. Blake, inexplicably, also becomes infected.

Once Dr. Blake realizes he's become infected with a deadly and dangerous virus that causes him to murder those around him, he does what any well-educated, highly-respected individual would do... he invites his girlfriend and her family to a cabin in the woods and infects himself again.

Makes perfect sense!
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Battle In Outer Space (1959)

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Title: Battle In Outer Space
CinemaBandits Title: It's The Oscar Mayer Wiener-Mobile To The Rescue!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: The Japanese must really love their hot-dogs! You see, in Battle In Outer Space, not only does the Asian island nation send a crack commando unit to the moon to fight off an invading army from the Planet Netal... but they send not just one, but two Oscar Mayer Wiener-Mobiles in for the attack!

Things do not go well on the moon... they lose one Wiener-Mobile!

However, they do manage to save the other one... which is very good news for all us who run and excitedly scream like little girls when we see the frankfurter-on-wheels in our neighborhood.

I am not sure where the Japanese learned to love the little hot-dog.

I realize that after World War II, most of Japan developed a kind of "cult of personality" for anything American... like baseball, modern technology, and the "pull-my-finger" joke. But why hot-dogs? They certaily don't taste good with soy-sauce on them... nor does the thought of a wiener sushi roll sound appetizing... but those little Japanese fellows took to hot-dogs anyway!

All-in-all, the movie is plain good ol' fun, complete with everything a good Japanese sci-fi movie needs... flying-saucers, cute kids, aliens from distant galaxies who remarkably speak English, and evil Iranian dictators!
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (7 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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It's Alive! (1969)

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Title: It's Alive!
CinemaBandits Title: It May Be Alive... But I'm Not Sure It's In The Movie!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: Oh boy! It's Alive is one stinky bean burrito of a movie.
A pre-historic giant frog-monster lives!

I think...

It certainly isn't the star of this movie. It gets about 10 seconds of face time... out of a one hour and twenty minute film. But that's long enough to figure out it's a frog... er... no, it's a lizard... uh... maybe a green gold-fish... I don't know. But it's got huge fangs and big ol' buggy eyes and according to Professor Wayne Thomas, the film's heroic paleontologist, there used to be hundreds of them roaming the Ozark Mountains. (as if I needed another reason not to visit Arkansas)

This "Jack-Elam-Eyed" creature has been captured by Greely, a man spurned by the Arkansas Department of Transportation, and he's hell-bent on taking out his mass-transit frustration on any stranger that happens upon his farmhouse.

That's the plot... honest!

And it rambles on for half the movie until, for some unknown reason, the film suddenly turns into a silent-movie. People running around mouthing words that aren't heard, while a completely inappropriate musical score plays. No kidding! I'm guessing director Larry Buchanan wanted to give the audience a sleepy-time-snooze-break so they could make it through the second half onslaught of this train-wreck.

Unfortunately, after 20 minutes of silent-movie time, it returns to a talkie... hardly enough time for a good nap!

I'm not sure what is going on with It's Alive, but I do know this... if this film were shown to prisoners of war, it would violate every law of the Geneva Convention.

I'm giving this a 2 Funky Burritos rating... only because I'm confident somebody somewhere has made something worse. Although, at this point, I can't imagine it.
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4 (2 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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Giant From The Unknown (1958)

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Title: Giant Of The Unknown
CinemaBandits Title: Giant Conquistadors Have Giant Helmets!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: There's a giant dead Spanish conquistador roaming the sleepy resort town of Pine Ridge... and he's desperately looking for a shower! Brought back to life by an electrical storm, the newly reanimated Spaniard named Vargas, or El Diablo Giant, instead finds chickens, women, and scientists!

After being dead for 500 years, I'm guessing he makes some fajitas out of the chickens (he's hungry), has a fiesta with the women (he's lonely), but I have no idea what he's gonna do with the scientists.

Once the townsfolk find out about the undead giant terrorizing their woman and chickens, they react the way we all do when something we don't understand confuses and frightens us... they attack and try to kill it. Evidently, back in 1958, there were no 'Undead Conquistador Awareness' classes available to the people of Pine Ridge. In their ignorance, they run around spewing hate and violence towards El Diablo Giant like a bunch of undead-o-phob bigots!

Where's an Oprah TV Special that raises zombie-awareness when you need it?!?

They eventually succeed in trapping the evil giant, but not before he assaults Charlie Brown (the pimply-faced town teenager), Parker (the town's sheriff), and Indian Joe (the town's -- you guessed it -- Indian). Although I'm sure that if the townsfolk of Pine Ridge had bothered to just get to know Vargas The Giant Devil, they would have found out that he's not so different than themselves... and this whole mess could've been avoided!

Let's all have a zombie fiesta!
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Giant Of The Unknown...
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Who Cares? (1968)

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Title: Who Cares?
CinemaBandits Title: Being A Drummer Is Way Cooler Than Not Being A Drummer!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: I don't know about you, but when I was in school I used to love educational film day! The teacher breaking out the projector, loading up the film reel, dimming the lights, and listening to the projector's familiar tap-tap-tap sound as it spun those reels. Well, today I'm reviewing one of those little gems... Who Cares?

The film dramatizes a story about a little boy who would rarely smile and was always grouchy because he felt he was not liked. Tells how his classmates discovered he was a fine musician and helped him to realize that others did care for him after all.

Well, that's the official synopsis...

But really this short film just reinforces the known truth... Rockstars rule!

Now, I'm not saying I agree with that, but I'm guessing there is some measure of truth to it. How else to explain the 80's band Warrant??!?

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Seems the subject of this movie, Charles, is ridiculed by everyone in his life... his family, his classmates, his teachers, even complete strangers. That is, until Charles shows them he can rock out on the drums! Suddenly, everyone loves Charles... everyone wants Charles to be their friend!

I'm not bitter.

Just cause I never learned an instrument... just cause other kids would point and laugh at me because I could spell "cornucopia". I mean, really... just cause a man in his 30's still lives at home, videotapes Star Trek: The Next Generation daily, practices his nun-chuck skills, dreams of meeting a real-life dragon, and doesn't play in a band... I suppose he's not as cool as a Rockstar??!?
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Who Cares?...
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Planet Of Dinosaurs (1978)

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Title: Planet Of Dinosaurs
CinemaBandits Title: Feathered Hair And A Big Mustache...Fun At 70's Jurassic Park!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: A crew from a crippled spaceship crashes on a foreign world.

Original stuff!

But, just imagine this crew's luck... Not only does their spacecraft almost blow-up with them in it, but they crash on a planet the has an extremely harsh climate... much like Southern California!

I half expected to see a Del Taco just around every corner!

Then there's the ravenous local alien population they have to deal with. And, might I add, deal with not very well... about every 15 minutes one of these poor souls gets eaten by a claymation dinosaur! Unfortunately, the two most enjoyable actors get eaten halfway through the movie, Harvey Baylor as Harvey Shain & Derna Wylde as his, uh-hum, secretary Derna Lee (I know... creative character naming).

Plus, as a subtext, corporate employee structure and employee rights is explored, although I'm not sure why they chose a "lost-on-an-alien-planet-with-monsters-film" as a vehicle for such a discussion.

As befitting a 70's flick, there's lots of beards, huge mustaches, hairy chests, and feathered hair going on. I was surprised to find only one person loses their shirt... although I wasn't so surprised to find out it was the man with the largest pecs this side of The Milky Way.

One scene not to be missed: the crew finds poisonous berries, makes them into a home brew, imbibes a little too much of said brew, and ends up singing 'Auld Land Syne'... presumably because there are no royalties to pay out for that song.

It's all good Dino-Survival fun!
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (8 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Planet Of Dinosaurs...
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White Comanche (1968)

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Title: White Comanche
CinemaBandits Title: Capt. Kirk Just Says 'No' To Peyote!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: White Comanche is right... more like Extremely Pale White Comanche! Could the director have picked a more 'white' dude than William Shatner to play an Indian??!?

Capt. Kirk, in all his Northern European'ness, pulls double duty in this stinky burrito. He plays both Notah and Johnny Moon... twin American Indians separated by the love of the peyote.

Seems Notah Moon (bad Shatner) is addicted to the stuff and can't stop murdering people. Which is a real drag to his brother Johnny Moon (good Shatner)... he keeps getting blamed for it. Well, Johnny has had it... telling his twin brother to meet in the town of Hondo for a showdown!

Unfortunately, the producers must have run out of money by the end, because the much anticipated showdown never really happens. A couple of Shatners ride by each other... there's a squirt of blood... one falls off... the end.

But none of that matters!

The truly memorial moments from White Comanche are delivered by William Shatner himself... in all his understated acting glory! Imagine the cinematic conflict, if you can, of good Shatner in a cowboy hat staring into a mirror... only to see bad Shatner in war paint staring back! They say conflict 'drives' plot. If that's true... this plot just won the Indianapolis 500, baby!

Imagine stupefying lines of dialogue delivered by Shatner like "His liver is white like his Yankee father. His heart burns blacker than the skin of his Comanche mother. His white belly, like his name, a snake.".

What the heck does that mean??!?

Who cares!

It's William Shatner saying it... and then he pulls out a gun and shoots some people.
Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4 (2 of 10) Funky Burritos.

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The Alien Factor (1978)

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Title: The Alien Factor
CinemaBandits Title: Sheriff With Barry Manilow Hair Fights Evil Alien In Jeans!

CinemaBandits Reveiw: Way back in 1978, The Walt Disney Company was scouring the country for an appropriate spot for their newest amusement park EPCOT. They had narrowed the search to include only two locations... the Orlando area, right next to Disneyworld... or Perryville, a tiny hick-town in Maryland.

As we know, they chose Orlando... but not many people know why. The Alien Factor tells the true story! ALIENS IN JEANS!

Seems that these aliens, before reeking havoc on the small town of Perryville, stopped by the Gap to pick up some mid-rise boot-cut jeans... I mean, who wants to cause mayhem and terrorize townsfolk in some shiny silver latex body-suit?

How cliché!

Our hero alien, Mr. Zachary, is a complex character. At once, blending into the native hillbilly population with his ill-fitting flannel shirts and a wild-and-wooly poorly-trimmed piece of man-hair that doubles as a mustache growing willy-nilly across his upper lip... while also possessing far advanced scientific knowledge and technologies, like dart guns and audio speakers!

He dutifully races around Perryville searching for the evil aliens... aided by a sheriff so low-key you'd think he has just overdosed on Valium and screaming girls who, obviously immobilized with fear, never run from the attacking alien... they simply stand and scream (which in this movie, as it turns out, is highly effective). This troop of denim'ed-evil-alien hunters only stops to enjoy the musical stylings of a rock band who (keep in mind it's 1978... a year deep in the throws of disco) dress in the fabbest 60's attire of Nehru jackets and ascots! They're so groovy, man!

What a magical town Perryville is! I can see why Disney was considering it!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (4 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Alien Factor...
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The Doomsday Machine (1972)

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Title: The Doomsday Machine
CinemaBandits Title: Dysfunctional Co-Dependents Make Great Astronauts

CinemaBandits Reveiw: We head all the way back to 1972 for the next Funky Burrito of a movie... back to a simpler time. We knew who our enemy was.

It was the communists!

They were everywhere... In Cuba... In Vietnam... In the Soviet Union... In China!

In fact, not only did China threaten our security with the latest in elevator technology, but also threatened the entire world with a Doomsday weapon (that looked very much like a gum-ball machine)!
This evil gum-ball weapon was so frightening, that the Soviet Union joined with the top scientific minds in the U.S. to develop a contingency plan:
1) build a spaceship with enough room for La-Z-Boy recliners, desk lamps, and pink terry-cloth robes
2) pick the most emotionally unstable people you can find, make them astronauts
3) send them into space with a clip-board and a crowbar... hope for the best!

I know it sounds like a bad plan, but I assure you... Stuart J. Byrne, writer of The Doomsday Machine, spent at least 5-7 minutes researching and then formulating this plot!... And David L. Hewitt, special effects creator, spent slightly less time putting Stuart J. Byrne's vision onto the screen!

All throughout this epic journey we're offered glimpses into Byrne's creative mind... a cat-throwing super-spy (no joke)... a talking planet... and a scene where, probably for the first time ever (on film... I'm sure it happens in real life all the time), a person is killed by their own hair!

Believe me, you won't need any extra cheese for this stinky burrito!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through The Doomsday Machine...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



Wanna see the whole thing? CLICK HERE

Night Of The Ghouls (1959)


Picture 2 copy

Title: Night Of The Ghouls
CinemaBandits Title: LAPD - "Hey, I Think My Gun-Thingy Went Off Again!"

CinemaBandits Review: A sinister plot is afoot deep in the wilderness surrounding Los Angeles! What's that you say... There is no wilderness surrounding Los Angeles?!?
Well, I'm afraid you're going to need to suspend a little more disbelief in order to watch this bad burrito from legendary director Ed Wood.

The movie centers around the LAPD's investigation of a corrupt 'medium'. I know... I know... A corrupt 'medium'? How can that be?!? You see, back in the 50's, Hollywood was not the socially responsible entity it is today. It regularly sensationalized some of the finest, most respectable lines of work... just to make a buck. Thank the Lord those days are behind us. Although, it probably took years for the 'medium' profession to regain the high reputation it enjoys today.

But the real subject of this celluloid masterpiece is the LAPD and it's operational procedures: Not knowing how to shoot a gun... Peeking over the dash of your squad car... Being frightened out of your pants by ghosts... Really, as far as I can tell, the LAPD brass got a hold of every episode of The Andy Griffith Show... studied Barney Fife's technique... and then wrote the LAPD's handbook for new recruits.

You know, it's eery... If you were to substitute the name "OJ Simpson" everywhere it said "Dr. Acula" in the script, you'd have the whole OJ fiasco all over again... right down to the mishandling of the DNA! (except, of course, in the movie the DNA is represented by a super-scary flying trumpet) The similarities are unnerving.

Ed Wood's Plan 9 From Outer Space, big brother to this red-haired stepchild, may get all the pub... but don't be fooled. This stinky burrito is a classic.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Night Of The Ghouls...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:



Wanna see the whole thing? CLICK HERE