Conquest (1983)

conquest pic copy

Title: Conquest
CinemaBandits Title: Arnold Schwarzenegger Has Awesome Laser-Arrow Skills!

CinemaBandits Review: Can a movie filled with laser-arrows really be that bad??!?

Conquest answers that age-old question... and the answer is a resounding "Yes"!

I mean, we're talkin' about frickin' laser-arrows, here! Good golly, I don't know how they could've screwed it up, but they did!

I used to dream about laser-arrows...
My name was 'Red-Dragon Man' and I was wandering the vast wasteland of 'Sabre-Cat World'. My only purpose was keeping the people free from the tyranny of the Sabre-Cats. You see, Sabre-Cats like to enslave people by making them build Sabre-Cat armor. Many people had tried to fight the Sabre-Cats, but their armor was impenetrable... except by laser-arrows (which, I alone possess)...
That was my dream... and the script for "Laser-Cat Nebula", a feature length treatment that's sitting in my filing cabinet right now.

But now, after watching Conquest, I'm beginning to wonder if any movie starring laser-arrows can be good... even mine.

Sure, in my dream-movie, the laser-arrows are used to fight space-kittys... but other than that, there's not much difference. For Instance... in Conquest, the hero runs around in leather speedos... in my dream, I run around in leather boxers (boxers are slightly longer... less chafing!).

So, even though this movie has laser-arrows AND werewolves (oh... I forgot to mention the werewolves?!?), it has turned out to be one of the greatest disappointments of my life. Not only did Conquest not live up to my expectations, but it also made me think my dream of laser-arrows and Space-Cats may be just that... a dream.

I might have to switch to ninja-ferrets.

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4 (3 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Conquest...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto: