Raiders Of The Magic Ivory (1988)

raidersivory pic copy
Title: Raiders Of The Magic Ivory
CinemaBandits Title: Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves!

CinemaBandits Review: That's right! I said Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves!

Not only Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves, but Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves... that explode!!!

Not only Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves that explode, but Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves that explode... whose leader is Mark Twain!!!

Not only Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves that explode whose leader is Mark Twain, but Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves that explode whose leader is Mark Twain... in a dress!!!

Do I really need to write anything else?!??

Okay, here's the plot in a nutshell.... A rich Chinese guy needs to take over the world. He wants an ivory zombie tablet to help him do it. He hires a crack Army Rangers team comprised of a middle-aged chubby guy with a ridiculous 80's moustache and a beer-gut plus a feather-haired pretty-boy to do it. They fly to Vietnam, meet the Vietcong, fall in love, and sweat alot.


Robert Mitchum's son, James (above left... doing his best beer-drinking-buddy character impression from the movie Overboard) turns in an action packed performance. Why he never rivaled Arnold Schwarzenegger as an action hero is incomprehensible.

(Although, it might have something to do with the fact that James Mitchum looks more like a beer-belly'd construction worker than an elite commando.)

And can somebody please tell me why the all the Vietcong in this film look alot like Cuban rebels?!?? I mean, I'm no history professor, but I could've sworn that the Vietnamese War was fought in Southeast Asia... not Latin America. Even one of the Vietcong's commander's smokes a big ol' cigar ala Fidel Castro.

Anyway... I felt like I was watching Sam Malone and Norm in some zany camping hijinks from TV's Cheers rather than 2 battle hardened Army veterans fighting for their very lives.

I was pretty sure that at any moment Cliff would pop up from behind some bushes and spout off useless information.

But I got somethng better... Zombie Vietnamese Werewolves!

Funky Burrito Rating:burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4burrito4 (5 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Raiders Of The Magic Ivory...
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